I'm working (because: freelancer, but also because I took yesterday off for the assisted living meeting) but Tim is off today and STILL IN BED. Sheesh.

Steph, that it is coming from the medical professionals makes it so it doesn't feel like a betrayal from family.

The problem there is: (1) he just ignores what the medical professionals say, and (2) his dementia means he forgets what they say anyway. During the meeting he disagreed loudly with the physical therapist's assessment of his (poor) balance and (poor) stamina, and then he asked why we were talking about a catheter. When he was reminded that he HAS a catheter in place (how do you forget something like that???), he asked "What's that for? Why is it still there?" And when he was reminded that it was removed last week to see if he could resume peeing on his own, he didn't remember that at all.

So at this point, medical professionals can -- and do -- make recommendations to him in the moment, but he pushes back because he's grumpy and I think he's given up on life. And then after about 5 minutes he forgets what they said anyway and he reverts back to what is familiar, which is his sons, so it's easiest for Tim and his brothers to just keep emphasizing that he needs more medical care than he can get at home, so that's why he's at the facility.

It's rough on them. Tim's oldest brother said yesterday, in an aside, that he just wanted to hear he was being a good son. Ouch.

I'm honestly not sure there's anything more brutal for family members than dementia. It's not like I have a ton of experience, but seeing my grandfather become a different person was really hard. It wasn't just not remembering things -- he acted in completely unfamiliar ways.

The process of dementia in a loved one is the hardest thing I've ever had to watch.

Anyone need a job? United is hiring a Public Relations Director.

Yeah, apparently (this is relatively new information), my MiL was mentioning Jack's memory issues at least 2 years before she died, which was 7 years ago. So Jack is 9 years into dementia, with no medical intervention (there are medications that can help if they're started early enough, though they aren't a cure). And so in his mind, he reverts to the memory of himself as healthy and active and not needing medical care or even medication. It's a losing (or already lost) battle at this point to try to convince him of his current condition, that he does need meds (literally only 1 medication, which is amazingly good for an 80-year-old man) and that he's physically declined.

The truth is, I think he's given up on life. He hasn't said anything like "I want to die," or "I'm just waiting to die", but his actions are really consistent with giving up. I'm hoping that being in a setting where there's a lot of social interaction AND where he's still receiving PT might at least improve his outlook, even though it won't help his dementia.

Anyone need a job? United is hiring a Public Relations Director.

Do you get to punch people and tell them to fuck off? Just guessing from their customer service.

I'm hoping that being in a setting where there's a lot of social interaction AND where he's still receiving PT might at least improve his outlook, even though it won't help his dementia.

I hope that, too. And my heart breaks for your BIL who is likely never going to hear (from his father, at least) that he is being a good son. I hope he's hearing that from other people.

And I am serious about my recommendation that everyone tell your FIL that the move isn't permanent if that will help. I have no issue with lying to someone with dementia.

Oh, that's hard, Tep. I hope that actually being at the swanky facility and interacting with people can be enjoyable for him.

Today is a work holiday for me, which I find deeply weird but am happy to have the day off.

And Jesse's strategy makes a lot of sense. Agree that he'll be able to take care of himself again any day now, it might help with the grumpiness and even the giving up.

So, that article on the front page of the New York Times and Boston Globe about sex abuse cases in a famous prep school is the prep school my mother taught at for 11 years and I and my siblings attended. In the rundown of the substantiated sex abuse cases, I personally knew 5 of the perpetrators. I knew about one of the cases when it occurred - the teacher was a close family friend and I used to babysit his kids and I'm Facebook friends with his wife and stuff. Some were honestly not a surprise given what I remembered about the teachers, and others were a pretty big surprise. I knew the covering-up administrators, and that's not a surprise either. I'm really glad the school has gone this public about all this, but I'm also really sad.