I went for a drive and went out to the lake. There are several places to pull over and look out over the lake and listen to the silence. Other cars pulled over at various distances on both sides of the road and turned off their engines. No one got out of their cars. No movement and no sound but the wind for twenty minutes. It was like a scene out of a Sergio Leone movie or French mystery. The occasional car drove past, the drivers staring at us.

We are firmly in the toddler eating stage where everything I give her that isn't fruit or cheese is icky.

I so misread "toddler eating stage" at first

fruit and cheese is practically a balanced diet, she'll be fine - as long as you don't eat her!

I do threaten to eat her cheeks at least once a day.

Heck, if I do fruit and cheese all day, I consider myself to be doing pretty well at age 47!

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My mother was concerned when all I would eat was peanut butter, but the doctor said I would be fine. I am confident that she will survive the fruit and cheese stage too. Actually, it sounds mighty good to me. All I would need to add is wine and I'd be set.

I survived my weekend. TLDR.

The memorial was lovely. Only lost it a teeny bit when his son got up to speak & broke into sobs "there's just so many of you here, I'm overwhelmed with love." And then lost it a bit harder when Steve, my other prof who started halfway through my tenure spoke and began crying as he talked about how Rex buoyed him through the years, taught him how to be who he has become.

But then, the 5 grandchildren got up to sing "You are my Sunshine" (they were a singing family) and the 12 year old grandson, who'd become his grandfather's fiercest guardian towards the end, just lost it. Great heaving sobs. As the kids started faltering,the entire meetinghouse just started singing with them, softly at first, then loud, clear, giving the kids the lead of each line for pace. It was just something else. Used the rest of my Kleenex, started using sleeves.

There was lots of laughter too, cause Rex was bigger than life and hilarious. Tons of students spoke. Tons of people from the rest of lives he had too.

Beyond that, the whole 39 hours in NC left me with a lot of musings. I don't dwell in the past much. But I've spent more time looking back at college me than ever, and she's another being, one I recognize as where I came from, and of whom I feel fondly towards. But she's so far from me now, another creature in another universe. But Steve cried when he saw me & gave me a huge hug. He'd always wondered (but not worried) and had missed me."You brought so much life to the data reduction lab[our low budget lounge & deskspace]! I wondered where you went with that." I kinda ghosted after graduation.

I sent him a note tonight because he has a photo of me holding his daughter at 5 months (I was her first sitter) he wants to send me. And has wanted to for a couple decades. He also said "your personality is as awesome as it was back then. I'm glad you got back in touch."

And the friend whose mom opened her house up to me for this, in late night conversation, told me how I, a callow 20-21 year old, had such a moderating& soothing influence on him, a 26 year old hot tempered navy sub newly-veteran. Apparently I diffused him with hilarity & belligerence & he thanked me for it.

And I really have and had no idea I'd ever left these marks.

It's a weird place to be, maybe why I don't normally look back?

And I also went out with a shitton of younger alumni & had some crazy deep work/life/Guilford conversations and that's a whole other epic for another day.

My mother was concerned when all I would eat was peanut butter, but the doctor said I would be fine. I am confident that she will survive the fruit and cheese stage too. Actually, it sounds mighty good to me. All I would need to add is wine and I'd be set.

Oh, I'm sure she'll be fine, but it is exhausting to cook a big meal only to hear that it is "icky" or "you know mama this isn't very good".