Gud I don't know if this applies to you but I felt lile there are similarities
I've always been extremely hard on myself, there has been a voice in my head telling me I'm greedy and selfish nd a gorhorrible rible person who is a burden on others and that I use people. And feeling like I am one step away from being a dumpster fire of a human.
People tell me I am not and it has been hard to hear. Year or so ago in therapy O finally told my therapist I wished people would be "honest" with me. By honest I meant agree with that. I didnt and dont want to be those things but it is exhausting fighting against that voice and I don't know what i thought but maybe if everyone agreed with it then life would be easier.
I don't know of it's hard for you to hear supportive comments because they dont see true.
The voice in my head is quieter in soe ways becuase of a lot of therapy but it os right there waiting. I had a meltdown the other day and ended up yelling at myself and saying all those things so it's not gone
The part of me, whatever part it is, constantly went on about what a terrible, horrible person I am. How I am fundamentally a bad person who is kust scamming people. It's hard to be bombarded by that message and not believe. But it isn't true .
The thing is, we are all such complex people. We ALL have horrible, selfish urges. We all get spiteful. We are all angry and greedy and lazy. We are all flawed. But we also have self-control, patience, compassion, kindness, empathy, respect, honor, justice, so many virtues in with our vices. I know it is not for everyone, but for me the start of ending my own self-hatred was to turn Jesus command to love my neighbor as myself on its ear. Jesus told me to love my neighbor as myself - that did not mean going around thinking my neighbors are worthless and disgusting; that meant that I was SUPPOSED TO love myself. And I was supposed to be as kind to myself as I am to others. That was hard. Another way of fighting off sef-disgust was remembering my mom's saying "water seeks its own level". There are so many wonderful people who love me, that I forced myself to realize that there is some wonderfulness in me - one or two people might be just being kind to me, but for so many to value me, that meant something. Gud, Buffistas are awesome, and you are one of us. You belong here. You are, by definition, awesome.
Your wife is being awful to you, Gud. I'm really sad that you think she's right.
Zen's post needs so many Agree buttons.
I hope today is better, Gud.
I am at work, despite really not wanting to get out of bed this morning. And I went to the gym! But I forgot my hair dryer and socks, so I have wet hair and bare feet inside my shoes. It's not freezing today, thought, so not so bad. Also missed the bus. Sigh. Learning experience, I guess - if I'm debating whether I should cut short my morning workout I probably just should, because no, I cannot shower and change faster.
I had a more exciting than usual morning. In the midst of putting out work fires my son stopped by to take me for a ride. He was delivering a loaner car to a customer and had time to kill. The "loaner" was a shiny red Ludicrous Model S Tesla!! He said he knew it was meant to be my car so he took me for a ride. Twas a sweet ride, but I am not going to be spending $160K for a car any time soon.
Wow!
Is Ludicrous part of the name? Because that's great.
Is Ludicrous part of the name?
It is! The speed is insane, or ludicrous. 0-60 mph in 2.27 seconds.
Son has lowest on the totem pole position at Tesla. Mostly valet type stuff. Bringing loaners to customers and picking up their vehicles. Cleaning the cars. But he is enjoying the hell out of it, and promotions are pretty swift if you do a good job. His GF has been promoted several times. Also, Tesla benefits are fabulous.
