Hi, all.

I know I don't post here much anymore, but rather stick mostly to FB & Twitter, but I am having A Week, and I can't really post this on SM and also I can't really talk to anyone else today, but I just really need a virtual hug.

Dan woke up sick this morning, and my mom and sister are recovering from nasty colds, so Thanksgiving is cancelled. And my dad had a sinus infection yesterday, but we had a call from the nursing home that he was taken to the ER at 7am because he spiked a 104 degree fever.

It would be truly a blessing for my father to pass. But when he does, mom loses his insurance and social sec, and she's on several exspensive meds. So dad's blessing will beggar my mom.

And I cancelled a breakfast with my (supppsed) BFF a couple of weeks ago, and discovered as a result that -- you know how when you have anxiety and you worry that people are judging you all the time, but you're supposed to realize that most people really arent?

Apparently,I just need more "discipline" to get out in the world more. I am just a lazy person who is wasting my life. The "only thing I'm good at is reading & addiction." And "being lazy is just another addiction."

Her last words were she "cares for me deeply" -- she texted me this message and then without a word or explanation, 5 minutes after its delivery, blocked me.

Guys, I have been sober for almost 2 years. I have patiently and humbly worked on repairing my relationships and most everyone has gradually come back into my life and told me how very well I'm doing. I have struggled so, so hard with my depression and anxiety and insomnia without using meds. I am engaged again. I have socialized more in the last six months than in the preceding 3 years. My house, while not immaculae by any stretch, is reasonably tidy again. I stopped biting my nails. I brush my hair every day.

I can feel again. I sing around the house. I've finally started to feel happiness again and while I'm working on making more progress, I am incredibly proud of what may appear to others tiny normal things.

I feel incredibly guilty, though, for not bringing in any money. Even now, the thought of committing to a task for money literally makes my palms sweat and my body flash hot and cold, and my stomach churn.

The person I thought I could trust most in the world with my vulnerabities, aside from D, has truly been silently judging them and apparently I am still the worst sack of shit in the world.

I am so very, very devastated. And angry. She was so cruel. And I am always the person she called for support when she cried or was anxious or needed support or advice. She's always been very sensitive and I have always, even when we've had little spats over the last 23 years, been incredibly gentle with her, even when I was angry with her, because she's easily hurt.

I have a few very deep friendships and of of my few good qualities is that I am loyal. I love hard when I love.

And I am just so shocked (this really came out of nowhere and the supposed catslyst was something so incredibly petty) and terribly hurt and also angry.

And I don't want to cause friend group drama, so the only person who knows about this is D. And he, the mildest mannered guy in the world, read the message and was shocked and surprised, so it's not just me.

So this has been a really awful week anyway, and now...Daddy and Thanksgiving is cancelled.

I'm sorry, truly, for dropping in with my problems today of all days, but I desperately needed to vent to safe people.

She tore my burgeoning self-confidence to shreds. I just shared the "highlights."

(I am sick even thinking of pressing post. I am 75% convinced you will all secretly be thinking "Well, Strix *is* a lazy sack of shit." So...well. Here goes nothing. I HAVE to try to believe that I am not.)

I am really truly sorry about being so negative. But I have been churning with obsessive anxiety for days, and this morning was the last crap cherry on the poop sundae. I had to talk to someone besides my poor sick D.

Oh, Strix, honey. You've made tremendous progress since a very low place, and you deserve friends as compassionate and loyal as you are.

I just burst into tears. Thank you, amych. The angry part of me is telling me the same thing, but the devastated part of me keeps trying to tell me that's not true. And we all know which voice is louder.

Thank you.

That person is a scum-sucking piece of dog shit and doesn't deserve to have someone as nice as you in their life.

Strix, your friend is deeply messed up. It sounds like there's something going on with her and she took it out on you. That is so damn unfair.

Really, I can't say it better than Connie. That is not how friends treat friends. She does not care for you deeply. I am sorry she has done this when so much is up in the air and awful. I wish I were closer to give you the hugs you deserve. Much love.

Much love to you and yours, Sparky. I'm sorry for your loss.

Strix, overcoming addiction is a challenge I have never known. I am proud of you for the progress you have made. You deserve support and if you do not get it from someone you trusted, well, really, the fault is not inside you.

I'm so sorry, Sparky. Much love to you and yours.

Oh Strix, honey. You have made so much progress. I'm sorry a person you trusted, a person who was so close to you and that you considered part of your foundation, turned out to be a judgmental asshole. What your former friend said and did is not about you, it's about whatever is going on inside their head that they never told you about. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

Again, you've made a lot of progress, and that's something to be fiercely proud of.

I am so deeply grateful to you all. I've spent the last two on the phone with my bluntly honest sister, who knows just how awful I was and who knows tve person in question and likes her, and she said tbe same things. And she has ZERO compunctions with telling me exactly when and how I fuck up. And I have hurt her and mom deeply in the past...but they told me that I *am* much better, and that what K did was indeed legitimately awful.

I am drained...but I feel so much better.

Thank you, so much.

ETA: Daddy has been admitted with pneumonia.

Many hugs, Strix. What everyone said, plus much love to your dad. I'm sorry it's such a rotten holiday for you, but grateful that you know you can always come here. (And that we can all always come here.)