So, remember when I couldn't decide how to arrange my flatware in my picnic placemat? I'm adding a spork to the mix and now I really don't know what's closest to correct. I'm going with knife leftmost, soup spoon and tea spoon in the next little pocket, and fork and spork in the rightmost.

Huh, my spellcheck recognizes leftmost but not spork or placemat.

A couple of years ago, I got busted for having cookie butter from Trader Joe's.

I was thinking of the story about how the TSA has failed a ridiculous percentage (like 80%?) of the gun-in-luggage tests recently.

Oh yeah! Clearly I will never know how many of the people in front of me actually did have guns with them! (I'm going to guess not that many, flying out of Boston.)

I was that asshole one time, though. Not the asshole with a gun, the asshole with a non-removable metal belt buckle. It was attached to my shorts! They patted me down and it was fine, but I should have thought of it in advance!

Can you get TSA Precheck status if you don't have a passport?

Yes. You can't get Global Entry though. It's $85 for five years. GE is $100, so if you're planning on getting a passport, get that first and then apply for GE. It also gives you Precheck. It's been a game-changer for me.

You don't even want to know what I see when traveling. It's nuts.

My father had his pocket knife taken from him on Sept. 8, 2001, while going through security in Italy. It had previously never been a problem. He asked why, and the Carabinieri said heightened threat status. He's still not sure whether it was coincidence or not.

Yes. You can't get Global Entry though. It's $85 for five years. GE is $100, so if you're planning on getting a passport, get that first and then apply for GE. It also gives you Precheck. It's been a game-changer for me.

GE works as Precheck for domestic flights, right? Because I know I should get Precheck, and it may be simpler to just get GE.

TSA is generally amused by me. I know all the regulations, I don't fuss when they tell me that they have to pat down the petticoats, and I've actually helped train new people on appropriate pat-down routine.

I got yelled at on my last flight for not taking the laptop out of its (cloth) case. The flight one week before that, I took it out and they told me I didn't need to and I just held up the line. I hate inconsistent shit like that.

Oh, yeah, different legs of the same trip you get told different "rules", if you have to go through security more than once. Annoying and confidence-in-effectiveness-sapping.

BTW, I am successfully eating raw spinach. My first foray into leafy greens with the temporary crown.

I prefer to think of it as randomization to catch the people who become complacent.

I still mourn the Leatherman multi-tool I lost leaving Moldova. They let me try to get it into my checked bags but they were already loaded. So I handed it to the security guard and said "Folosiți sănătos," which means "May you use it in good health."

Once I was cursing all the imbeciles in front of me who didn't know to take off their jewelry, etc, and then I set it off. Turned out it was the rhinestones (or rather their settings) spelling out "HOT" on my tank top. That was a lesson in not judging others.