I'm having an anxiety attack. I wish knowing it could make it stop. I guess this means my experiment with going off the Topamax is a failure. Dammit. I wish my cats would stop yowling. I wish my BFF would call me. I wish I wasn't alone. I wish I could stop shaking and crying. There's nothing wrong except this. It's so stupid.

I'm so sorry, Zen.

It's not your fault. And shaking and crying, while not pleasant, are okay things to do.

I hope it passes soon.

We're here, Zen.

Why are your cats yowling?

I'm sorry, Zen. I wish I could be there with you in person.

Not stupid at all, Zen. Brains are evil, they lie to us and treat us like crap. And where the brain goes, there goes the body. Treat yourself nicely. One of the motivational posters I've got on my refrigerator says, "Be Nice to Yourself, It's Hard to Be Happy When Someone's Being Mean to You All the Time." And as my therapist says, "Would you let a friend speak to you that way?"

Or "What would the Buffistas do to someone who spoke to you that way?"

I have been thinking hard on making decisions and choices that are really good for me, even if a bit hard. tl:dr warning

In that vein - gave 60 days notice required at the karate studio tonight. several reasons: it is way expensive, like more than my utility bills combined expensive; mac is not into it (he is not into anything) and so it is becoming a bit of a fight; I am not getting any cardio/strength/or flexibility out of it and those things are what I want from exercise. So I gave notice and hope to replace it with something that fills my needs better and for less money.

I talk a lot about getting rid of stuff and yes I go in fits and bursts of doing a bit, but setting up the etsy store and then going through each bookshelf as I moved them has moved me along in a pretty big way. This week I will probably get 3 pieces of furniture listed on craigslist and then I posted here about the yarn, so that is another new area of clearing out for me. Clearing out yarn could free another piece of furniture. Furniture is a new focus for me because I had not realized how much I have accumulated in the 5 years in TX: a 5 piece bedroom suite from my grandmother, 4 chairs in livingroom, 10 side tables, a tv stand, a large steamer-like trunk, 2 barstools, a dresser, and 2 bookshelves. More than I needed to fill out this house.

Finally, I hope to move in 4-5 years once mac has graduated high school, either as he starts college or after his first year. A lot will depend on how he does with change by that time and also where he goes to college. I am realizing that most of the places that right now look appealing to move to will be out of my price range for buying (nevermind that I have no idea what I will be doing for job change when I move). I am intrigued about buying a place with a friend. The majority of my friends are still single, more than half of my college friends, so all my age and many of them have never bought homes. Together with pooled resources we could buy where alone we could not. I am mulling over that as an idea. Also mulling over traveling around for an extended period before moving, but not sure how that would play out with regard to getting a job. All of that has me seriously looking at money saving options for the next 4-5 years. How much can I sock away? How much would I need for various options?

Thank you all. I'm feeling better now. My sister called. She doesn't really understand but she cares. So it helps. I'm calming down now.

I'm glad you are feeling better, Zen.

And I'm glad you're doing so well getting rid of things and activities that are not what you need msbelle. I'm kind of shocked that it's 5 years that you've been in TX, but I think that's my wonky sense of the passage of time more than anything. I love the idea of buying a house with a friend. if you look for a place that will give you space apart and space to share that will work for your relationship, I think it could be awesome.

I am not sure what I think about this wine. I don't hate it, which is a little surprising, but I don't know that I would go so far as to say I like it. But maybe I would? Maybe I need to try it with some food.

Zen, I don't know if any of this would be useful for you, but maybe for the future? [link]