Fuck, why am I not asleep?

I know, super keyed up, sugar, but fuck. Only 3 more days and the off until the 5th.

What is a blue book?

There's the one where I keep dreaming I'm trying to fall asleep and can't.

Which tidily matches the ones where I'm trying to wake up and can't.

Adding to my standard templates are the repeating dreams--they can be as short as 15 seconds, and just put on infinite loop. And sometimes they repeat across nights, so I'll have 3-4 days of just one dream--no matter how tame the subject matter, the repetition ensures tension.

I know my brain hates me.

What is a blue book?

The little throwaway notebook that you (well, I) would be given to write exams in. Usually about 10-12 pages or so, stapled in the center. They even used them for the bar exam, at least until the 90s.

We bought our own blue books and if the prof was worried about cheating we'd turn them in at the top of class and they'd be re-distributed so you wouldn't end up with the same one.

I clearly recall buying my own blue books for exams, but strangely have no memory of using them in grad school. I must have, I know some of my classes had exams.

I have never heard of that. Interesting. In England the books were issued by the testing board and white.

Do not remember university, though.

My usual anxiety dreams are usually one of two types. One: I have to teach a class but I can't find space, or I have space and I can't herd the student together to teach. These dreams are endless rushing around and never get the class together and I wake up exhausted. Two: The other dream is that I'm back in NYC, and find I don't have a cell or keys or money (or sometimes shoes). I am often in some odd part of the city as well. I'm trying to get to my apartment, and everything is against that happening, but I often get unexpected help . I end up in an apartment that I forgot I'd kept, or go to an old friends place and they have gone, but their room is there and their roommates are happy to let me rent their gigantic furnished suite. These dreams feel anxious when I'm in them, but they tend to end happily.

Last night I slept badly and had the first vivid dream in some time. (No coincidence.) The dream was a sort of Zen koan.

Two psychic detectives, who leave their bodies so that their astral forms may seek out clues that help them catch evildoers. The first psychic detective boasts "I can get through thick walls, past security systems and find all the evidence criminals try to hide."

The second psychic detective says: "I have mastered the state of no-mind when I sleep. I have no will when in my astral body, and so the psychic currents sweep me to where I need to be."

Then their Sensei says "But you still will yourself into a state of no-mind, which means you have not truelly reached it, or else you would surrender all will, including the will to achieve no-mind. Of the you two, you are further from enlightenment than your friend. While neither of you have yet discarded pride, at least your friend saves his pride for that which he has truly accomplished."

That sensei is no doubt an accomplished private investigator in his own right, as he is quite the dick.

Last night brought fun anxiety dreams, well twilight stage dreams, when I was drifting off I kept dreaming that I was free falling from a great height. I would then start awake from fear. It's happened a few times in a row.

Thanks for all of the kind words about Clio. Fortunately, Saturday brought my friend Gill to town for a visit and I haven't seen her in a couple of years. We had a good couple of days where I was considerably less sad than I would have been on my own.