ION, we have to start saving for my SS's bar mitzvah next May. (Stepmom to a teenager -- HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!)

I know his mom is going to make it some superfancy thing, but I'm kind of averse to spending more on a mitzvah than I did on my wedding (and non-existent wedding ring and honeymoon.) Plus, travel to PA and hotel. Which is why we are starting a fund a year ahead. He's a fantastic kid, and we want to support this milestone, but not to the tune of thousands of dollars.

What should I expect from a mitzvah? I know M has to give a speech in Hebrew, but that's about it.

ETA: "Like my house is immaculate or an embarrassment. I seem to be an all-or-nothing person as an offshoot of being a procrastinating perfectionist."

THIS. Oh, yes. This is how I am, and it's really annoying. If I can't do something all the way, I tend not to even start.

My dad has had the cataracts surgeries, and he said it was simple and the results were fantastic.

How many people get so lucky with the second wife?

That is awesome, SuziQ. The opposite is a complete horror. When DH#1 remarried it was a jackpot for me too. Partly because we were still close friends and I wanted the best for him, although he often reminded me why I needed to divorce him. They drove together the 6 hours to pick up my dog when #2 was ill and kept her until well after the funeral to take dog care off my plate. She wrote to me to let me know when he passed so I wouldn't hear it in the news or something. We didn't have kids, but she made keeping our friendship a possibility and many exes would have issues with that.

DH claims that the ADHD got him through college because on top of his full class schedule in a tough program he played basketball with the demanding travel and practice commitment, and worked many hours in the computer lab for work study. He comes from the camp that believes he just needs to learn to make it work for you. He is blind to the many ways it doesn't.

waves to the early birds, and heads back to work...

Strix I've been to one Bar and one Bat Mitzvah. The children (the ones I knew) were each members of a Hebrew School class, and each student gave a speech during the religious service (which was really lovely). I think the parents did, too (but it's been a couple of years since the last one, so don't quote me). The children also carried a scroll of the torah throughout the sanctuary (I am sorry if I'm using the wrong term, here). Both times, I found the service incredibly moving. Also, there was a small reception in the synagogue after, before we went on to the reception hall(s). The extras I noticed (as in extra money spendy things) during the religious service were customized programs, customized kippot (yarmulkes; although both synagogues already had kippot available). Depending on the type of synagogue your step-son attends, you (and the other female attendees) may have to follow a dress code (e.g. covered arms, etc) for the religious service.

After, the parents rented out a hall and had a dinner/dance/party, but that's the extra stuff, you know? I don't know what your step-son's mom has in mind, and how much you and dh will have to/want to contribute, but to me as a non-Jewish attendee, I can seriously say the most impressive part of it all was the religious service (which is not what's going to cost you). Don't get me wrong, the parties at the reception halls were lovely and fun, but as with wedding receptions, the reception isn't the point. It's a lovely extra, but lovely extras, IMO, shouldn't send you to the poorhouse.

I wish I could give you an idea of the $$, but I think that varies from state to state and city to city. It will also vary on whether you have a band/DJ, and what kind of menu you choose for the reception.

My dad has had the cataracts surgeries, and he said it was simple and the results were fantastic.

In case I sounded too doom-and-gloom, before, I want to add my mom's surgeries went splendidly as did her recovery. It's only because of her astigmatism that she had a hard time coping between having the first eye done and the second eye done. A couple of months out from the 2nd surgery, her only difficulty is breaking old habits. For 50 or more years, she had to get close to things to see them. Now that her nearsightedness and astigmatisms have been corrected, she's had to get used to coping with the sort of farsightedness that most of us have to deal with, starting around age 45, but she's doing really well.

Strix, is there anything specific you want to know? (I have no idea about the money part, though, other than "a lot," usually.)

Thanks, Connie!

Hil, it's a Reform COngregation. The webpage for bar/bat mitzahs say they welcome all family members to participate in the ceremony, regardless of religious affiliation, and they customize the ceremony with the kid's input, so I think it's up to M. He's a doll, and loves all of his parents, so I'm happy to participate or to witness, whatever HE wants.

What roles might a parent-figure play in the ceremony? Do family members give speeches or toasts at the after-party? As long as I wear a modest dress, are bright colors or such verboten? Do parents just pay for the party, or is an additional gift to the child de riguer?

I think I'm going to put a cap on our contribution at $500. When we figure in travel costs and a hotel, I think that's reasonable. If she wants to go all out, then she can do whatever she likes with contributions from her far wealthier family.

So, if I opened the tab for the ADD quiz an hour ago and then forgot about it while I was doing other things...I probably don't need to take the quiz, do I.

I scored a 33, which is moderate ADHD... but since this is a test of symptoms, I think my anxiety and anxiety-coping behaviors add to the score.

Note that being really busy will also increase your score....

I should have mentioned when I posted the link that an online test is only going to point you in a direction. It's not a diagnosis. And, as several people have noted, having comorbid conditions like anxiety will affect the results. If your results are high and that resonates with your suspicions that ADD might be an issue, then the only way to really get diagnosed is to follow up with a clinician and get tested in person.

With the research I've been doing this weekend, there were swaths of information that were "Dang, that could have been written about CJ specifically" and other pieces that were more "huh, I do that sometimes".

Had a long talk with B last night about online school options, summer school options, and other stuff to research. A lot is riding on whether or not he gets into the Fire Science program next year - they are putting out the announcement this week. If he gets in he just needs to deal with making up any credits he misses this semester. If he doesn't, we are going to have to get much more creative in dealing with his senior year.

I hope his advisor is back this week. She "gets him" and what we have gone through to date.

other pieces that were more "huh, I do that sometimes".

I think most people, including people without ADD, have that reaction. When I was trying to explain it to an acquaintance who wondered why Tim is so involved with the local ADD support group, and detailing symptoms, she said, "Well, *everyone* gets distracted *sometimes*! I guess we ALL have ADD, don't we?"

Uh, no. (She is kind of a snotty jerk and I tend to avoid her whenever possible.) Most people feel down/blue/sad sometimes; that doesn't mean most people have clinical depression. ADD is the same way; it's not the isolated existence of a symptom, but the severity of it, in combination with other symptoms, as well as the persistence of those symptoms and how they impact your life, that determines the difference between someone with ADD and someone who gets distracted when a car full of yelling kids drives by.