So, yeah. Appropriately enough, my dad did it again to me today. This evening. And he's triggered some very strong, angry, hurt feelings, and made me feel like a three year old who's fucking everything up again. I'm really having a massive anger reaction, and it's causing me major problems this evening.

I just can't even.

Looks like the "Go Back to School" plan is going to be aborted before it even starts, because "I don't have a plan that he can see."

The only reason I'm not crying or screaming and breaking shit right now is because I'm so far beyond upset, I can't figure out which I want to do.

I find myself saying, out loud, "Oh Sweetie, it's okay."

I have zero idea where that came from because no adult I ever knew spoke to me that way.

Guardian Angel? Just a theory.

You might just be on to something there, omnis. I'm going to go with that.

He wouldn't be the first to rewrite history.

So, like, mine is not the only family that rewrites their personal history? My mom and my gram could do it on the fly; they could re-remember shit that happened, like, yesterday. My sister does the same thing, while also knowing that they did it; this makes me scared that I'M doing it and I don't even know it. And the abusive spouse who kept contradicting things I was certain of...whoa. I'm basically helping to gaslight myself. I'm near-obsessive about getting proof of even trivial things, and that's probably where it comes from.

WindSparrow, you made me realize something I'd never thought of before. When I was four, my parents divorced and we moved in with my mom's parents, and I never saw my father again. (Not that that was a bad thing; even at four, I knew we were all better off without him.) That was in spring, and in the fall, my sister went to college and never lived with us again. Basically, in a few months, I lost my father, my home, and my sister, and started living in a strange place with a couple people who clearly didn't entirely want me there. Even not missing him at all, it was a huge upset in my life. I've honestly never before thought about what an effect that must have had on an already-insecure four-year-old.

Apparently this is Sudden Self-knowledge Wednesday.

Sean, I have an urge to hunt him down and beat some sense into him for you.

Zenkitty, I hope that realization brings some healing for you.

my dad was kind of lost when he had teen age daughters - happily by the time my youngest sister was in college - he had just learned to deal. the worst thing about them - is they wanted me to eat everything on my plate. I like food, so I did. best memory - my dad sad something to me about me not being responsible. I got up and left the table (probably with some drama) . He came and got me an d apologized. mom and dad are my friends. they worked together. they had goal s to raise their children to be independent adults. ot perfect, everyone has their issues and baggage - but reallythey did good. so I share them with all of you.

Zenkitty, I hope that realization brings some healing for you.

Thanks. I dunno about healing, but it's making me understand why I want a lifelogging camera and a paid-off mortgage.

The worst part is, I could really use some actual fatherly advice right now. But the two men I replaced him with are both dead and buried. I always miss them something fierce at times like this.

The only reason I'm not crying or screaming and breaking shit right now is because I'm so far beyond upset, I can't figure out which I want to do.

Prove him wrong. Kick ass. Get a degree. Let him eat crow. Channel that energy. I believe in you. I think you can do it. Put the nose in the books, and get that degree. At best, it will take a few years. Plenty of time to come up with a plan. This is a major reset time for you. It's like stickball in the street, and the ball goes down the drain. "DO OVER". That's where you are. Don't listen to the negativism. Capture the positivity of the reset. Ride the wave.

sj, I am so glad to hear the surgery went well

I'm so sorry so many of you had rough childhoods or difficult parents. I'm glad we have each other for support.

Sean, what Omnis said. Check out this page: [link]

The scholarship database, the fast web one they recommend, is what our college counselors recommend. You can also make an appointment with someone at the school to talk about financial aid options. I put myself through grad school without any help from my family--it wasn't easy and required a lot of work and penny pinching, but I used a combo of student loans and scholarships and work with the school and made it through. There are programs out there for non-traditional students. You can do this! Also there is no age limit for federal aid for AA or BA degrees; fill out the FAFSA (that page explains it) and you'll see how much you qualify for. You may need to delay for a semester (none of these things happens instantly), but maybe not--a college counselor at your school can walk you through your options.

Great advice from the birthday girl! (Happy b-day Pix!)

For the record, Financial Aid is how I paid for grad school as well. You can do it! That's what student loans are for. Heck, it's how I paid for undergrad as well. I had 4 jobs on campus. I was busy.