I don't want to be a disappointment to him. I don't want to talk to him about how I'm a huge failure because it's just going to emphasize that he deserves so much better than me.

You know...I don't want to tell you shit about your husband, but that's not him. He's not like that. He loves you - not some generic perfect wife you have made up in your head to torture yourself with.

OK, if you can't, you can't. Go hug a critter, take 15 seconds to let a critter adore you, because they don't care.

Steph, you don't have to talk to Tim or anyone about anything you don't want to. And if us piling on isn't helping, then we should stop.

I just want you to be safe right now. Would it help to talk to someone on the phone? Even if it was someone on a hotline? Sometimes it helps just to know someone else is on the other end of the line, even if you're not talking. And you're more than welcome to breathe/cry/mumble into the phone with me if you think it would help -- 484-319-6530.

Would it help to talk to someone on the phone?

I can't. I mean, thank you SO much, but I can't. I'm hyperventilating panic attacking still and trying to get all this work done at the same time. I can't talk -- literally, because I'm hyperventilating so hard. And also because I gotta keep getting stuff done. God, I am failing SO HARD.

You're not failing, honey, you're trying to get through this.

I think you might do better work if you stop and try to get calm(er) first, but you know you best. Just remember we're all here.

Do you have an Ativan or similar? If so, take it.

I know you have a deadline, but can you take 5 minutes to stand somewhere cool/cold, and try to get your breathing under control. "No blood, no fire, no death, I can deal" is a panic attack mantra of mine. I also suggest biting on a lemon or a jalapeno; your mind and body will focus on THAT shock and can sometimes get you out of the fight-or-flight.

Ignore anything that wouldn't work.These are just things that have helped me. Your mind is LYING to you right now, and your body is believing it.

If I was saying these things about myself to you right now, what would you tell me? (And I am 100% a fuck-up, been like that for a year now.)

It is not supremely comforting to text your husband "I'm having a panic attack and can't stop hyperventilating" and get no response. (That was the second text in an exchange that he responded to, so I know he has his phone and the lack of reply isn't because he just didn't see the text.)

I know that the men in his family are notoriously bad at dealing with emotion. I knew that when I signed up.

So I will take that as confirmation that I need to continue to keep all my bullshit to myself, because the result would be exactly the same even if I *did* unload all my crap on him. Fine. At least this way I don't have to have the humiliating conversation about what a failure I am.

Steph, unless you're psychic, you can't know what Tim is thinking until you do talk to him, and there are a million reasons he might not have been able to respond to your second text right away.

Can you take an Ativan? Or do some deep breathing? This is going to pass, but in the meantime try to remember what Strix said about your body's response to the lies your brain is telling you.

there are a million reasons he might not have been able to respond to your second text right away.

It's been over 2 hours. Pretty sure that text is DOA.

Can you take an Ativan?

I did. I am no longer hyperventilating but still crying nonstop, which is hampering my editing a bit.

I wish I could do more. and I don't know Tim's work life. But I drop out of touch for half a day at a time.

anyway - more worried about you - but glad you are inching forward