Oh, fuck, how many ways do I not want to open my life to people that I wouldn't invite to dinner. Especially after last year's three-month fucking saga. Like if someone said "You don't have to do these meetings anymore, but you'll probably die at fifty," I'd probably still sign off on it, maybe even with a smile. Because they're starting to be younger than me, in addition to the whole mutant thing, talk about signs of failure!

My totally pulled-from-my-ass scientific opinion is that I've been working so hard to hold it all together that once the big thing is behind me, the whole giant tower of blocks has no choice but to come down at once.

I tried to explain this to my husband. With me, it's often getting through a concert series. You spend a week (or whatever period of time) going "I can't get sick, I can't get sick, I can't get sick"), and then that period of time elapses, and it's like your body suddenly has permission to be sick.

That's me, too! And Steph, here's my breakdown story (one of them): I was so stressed leading up to my wedding (which took place 5 days after Christmas) because my mom was seriously ill, and we were rushing, and I had no idea what I was doing (since I was 21), I got to the CEREMONY and broke down.

I sobbed through the vows, the whole thing, and barely remember any of it, but it was clearly my body/brain's way of saying, "This is the point you were supposed to get to, you're here, we give up."

man, hang in there erika. good grief.

My mother still has not been completely paid from last year's fight...they still owe her 11/62 attendant hours, because she can only bill for six of those hours a month. like if we lost, they would take their money back like that...as if. She will have them all, in'shallah, one full calendar year after our big win. Paul Ryan thinks this is easy? He is welcome to do that instead and I can get pissed off in Congress for no reason while people buy me dinner and put me on TV and kvell.

Billy Joel says it well "You have no scars upon your face and you cannot handle pressure."

Nope. I cannot.

My fucking doctor has not called in the refill for my Ambien, even though I called his office yesterday. They make a big deal of their "24-hour refill" policy, as in, if you call on Monday, it will not be ready until Tuesday. Well, that would be fine and dandy, except it didn't fucking get called in today. If he's not going to refill it, he needs to tell me that over the phone. Because I don't think going cold turkey on a psychoactive drug is a good idea any time, but maybe it's spectacularly bad on one's honeymoon. Bullshit. Fucking fucking goddamn bullshit.

I was planning to make an appointment to see him after the honeymoon to talk about the fact that apparently my depression is bad enough again that I can't handle it on my own, but I don't even know if I want to, now. If he won't refill an Rx but won't *talk* to me about it, I don't want him being responsible for my fucking mental health.

Fuck it. I have wine. Which I am on glass 3 of right now. No washer, no sleep meds, friends with cancer, cannot cope with any fucking thing in my life, have to go on a honeymoon I don't want to deal with, but what the hell. I have booze.

And yes, I am SO aware that, given my family, that's a spectacularly poor coping choice. And right now, I give zero fucks.

Glam, you could search the comments/archives of Corporette (or just ask a new comment), that is right up their alley.

Tep, I just got my Ambien refilled - I am dead serious, if you want me to FedEx a couple to you, or just hang onto them until you get to San Francisco, take 'em with my blessing. I'm using them very sparingly and I've still got a couple of refills left.

erika, I'm sorry. That sucks. I hope you're able to find someone good.

Teppy, I'm sorry you feel that way and your doctor hasn't gotten back to you. Feel better.

Glam, good luck juggling everything for your interview.

What everyone else said, Tep. And I'll add my own analogy - extreme athletes, after giving their all, need oxygen and electrolytes and recovery time. So LiveStrong and dope on up, baby!!

I hope that once on your honeymoon you can just carve out some time and space to collapse. You don't need to do All The Things. The perfect honeymoon is one that suits your need right now.

Tep, I just got my Ambien refilled - I am dead serious, if you want me to FedEx a couple to you, or just hang onto them until you get to San Francisco, take 'em with my blessing. I'm using them very sparingly and I've still got a couple of refills left.

We leave Friday, so I may need some when we get to SF. Thank you SO much, though! I'm calling the doctor again tomorrow, and I'm going to explain (1) leaving the state at 7 a.m. Friday, (2) you don't want me going cold turkey off a psychoactive drug, (3) I'll come in after the honeymoon if you want to talk to me about tapering off, but (4) JUST REFILL IT AND NO ONE DIES.