I didn't park my car down by the road... so maybe or maybe not able to get out to the road on Sunday... Oh well nothing I can do about it now but wait and see.

Stay safe, askye.

Steph, it's a little different than yours, but I believe my own spike in anxiety levels over the last few months is related to the whole perimenopause thing. Sometimes all I can think is, "is this how my mom felt? I'm sorry for being callous to her." (I was 15, and I felt like I had a teenaged daughter.) Today I had a minor anxiety attack when Daniel read me a Daily Kos headline. I call it minor because I was able to stop myself from screaming and crying after five minutes without medication.

Maybe. I had the last Mirena removed at the beginning of December, and since it releases a low level of a progestin hormone, but now that's gone, I could be adjusting to the lack of that hormone.

Yeah, it took my brain a fair while to adjust to natural hormonal mood fluctuations. Could be that.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I posted a few weeks back about one of CJ's Search and Rescue mentors who had passed away. I found out tonight that he took his own life. CJ is broken. I'm heart sick. PTSD AND DEPRESSION SUCK BALLS. Sleep is not happening tonight. My own PTSD over my FILs suicide is in full force. In fact, I'm going to go take some anti-anxiety meds right now cause I feel my spine crawling up into my neck.

Ok, done. Gah. I hate this. He was such an amazing man. Depression LIES like a motherfucker. LIES!

I really don't want comfort. I just need a place to rage and rant. I can't do it on FB or with the kids. I'm pretty open with them about how raw I am when it comes to suicide, but they don't need my added pain on top of their own grief. But I refuse to be completely silent because that is even worse.

But I refuse to be completely silent because that is even worse.

Yes, this. We're good at listening to each other; it's one of the things I value most about us.

And I got a text from the opening supervisor who lives near me. She was going to hike a mile to the main road where she lives (and then a mile baxk)to see if the roads were passable.

I walked down instead because it's a shorter walk. Someone has kinda plowed last night maybe and it looks like it was driven on the snow is flatter. I sent her a picture and told her it wasn't possible.

I don't know what the roads are like in Hendersonville and Asheville bUT I think it was really optimistic to thinknow anyone who didn't live in Hendersonville and close to the store was getting to work before daylight.

Rage away, Suzi. That's awful. Throw whatever you need to at us.

Askye, from what you've told us about your drive in the past I'm glad you're not going in.

Well they finally texted and said the store isn't opening until noon but considering snow is still coming down the roads (from what I've seen on FB ) don't look that great I'm not sure that will happen.

But later this week it will be in the 60s!

Oh, Suzi. That's just horrible. My heart breaks for all of you, and him, the poor man.

askye, no matter what the store does, you're right to make your own decision about driving in bad weather.

I once drove from Hopkinsville Kentucky to Nashville in a snowstorm, in a compact car with old tires and a dying alternator. I'm over driving in snow. I got nothing left to prove, dammit. In New Jersey I used to hoard enough sick days to get through the winter without having to drive in snow and ice. It's not just the snow itself, it's the other people.

Speaking of which, it's snowing again here. Neighbor shoveled my drive this morning, maybe he should've held off a few hours.

The patio cats are happy with their new little house and bed of straw. Got that together yesterday, just in time. I like taking care of animals; guess it's the farm girl in me.

Depression lies like a motherfucker. Rage on, we are here to listen.

Zen, I love picturing your porch cats all cozy.

Here it is right around freezing. Too cold for the cemetery, so I'm at the other job. I'm all bundled up and only my feet are cold, but in certain places in the still I heated house I have to work in socks to protect the floors, so they are just staying cold.

I think if I can focus on effectiveness, it will really help me at work and at home. It helps take my ego and emotions out of the equation. My roommate and I had a civil casual conversation this morning, and I've decided that I'm going to be very honest and vulnerable in my letter. I'll feel better and I think it's the best way to try and get him to not see me as an enemy, but just a person struggling to get by and get along. I'm not convincing as a bad bitch, anyway.

askye, I'm glad your work is being understanding. Stay safe!