So I had group therapy to today and thinformation are kind of clicking. Not all of it but I realized some things and it's nothing I hadn't felt before it's just now I was finally able to explain how I felt .... to myself and someone else. It was sad and good. But it's stuff I've felt for a long time and was only recently able to put into coherent words.
Which is this...I feel/have felt defective or broken since I was a kid. I've also felt like a burden on my family and others because of this...maybe more like...if I'm any more different/wrong/challenging it will be too much and I'll be discarded and because of that there are a lot of things and feelings I've hidden away. And there are things I've done or said or expressed interest in to try and have a reason to be more likeable and acceptable. (Not just with family but other people).
And then tonight I was able to not let that overwhelm me and I was able to tell mom something.
E is sleeping over tonight and tomorrow he is going to see his other aunt and grandma. He said he didn't want to and got sad. Mom immediately went into the why do you feel like that line of questioning. He had trouble explaining or having a reason but a kid doesn't have enough experience 5o explain some things. And it was distressing to me and brought back feelings of frustration and anger at the constant questions and the lack of acceptance of my answers.
However after he was in bed I told Mom that maybe instead of asking for a reason she could acknowledge his feelings and that having them but not being able to explain them is ok. He still has to go but he can also feel like that.
She seemed to think that was a good idea. So progress.