(Also, Tep, just kidding on the grammar stuff. Thank you for having my back.)

All my parentheses are belong to you, my very best Cindy.

without hearing a voice in my head all "Maybe you could have done that...if you weren't, like, defective!"

I had coffee with my mom yesterday, and she spent most of the time talking about my brother, and how she thinks -- and hopes -- that he's on a good path to maintain sobriety now. [ED: It really seems like he is, thank god.] But she was also saying how at Easter when people asked about Jeff, she didn't mention his horrific relapse or my trip out there. She said that sometimes it's hard to compare him -- and me -- with our cousins, who are extremely extremely successful in their careers, with huge homes and lifestyles to boot.

She was basically tactful the way she said it, less like she was disappointed in us and more like she knows there's no point in comparing the outsides of people's lives to the insides of our lives. I don't *want* the careers my cousins have. I don't want their lifestyles. And my mom gets that, but it's still the first hint I've heard that she has some issues of pride going on there, about how her kids measure up.

(I, of course, think that we're happy and healthy and good people and not dead from an operatic relapse into drinking [okay, that's more my brother than me], and that's really all that matters. I'm glad my cousins are successful. I hope that they're happy, though.)

(And, of course, I have days where I feel like I should try harder and be more. And those days? Do emphatically SUCK. But I think we all probably have those days. Hell, my successful cousins probably do, too.)

My mom can brag about the somewhat ridiculous number of years of education and degrees that my sister and I have, but she still sometimes compares us to our cousins who have spouses and babies. (I mean, I do want a husband and kids. Just haven't yet figured out how to get that to happen.)

(I, of course, think that we're happy and healthy and good people and not dead from an operatic relapse into drinking [okay, that's more my brother than me], and that's really all that matters. I'm glad my cousins are successful. I hope that they're happy, though.)

I'm really trying to let go of the operatic drinking, right now. Like for whoa. I didn't even see it coming. I think it happened as a "I didn't even know I was self-treating" my anxiety.

(And, of course, I have days where I feel like I should try harder and be more. And those days? Do emphatically SUCK. But I think we all probably have those days. Hell, my successful cousins probably do, too.)

Well, there are lots of successful people who do.

How is your dad, and how is his Cordy cardiac doc?

My Dad is doing pretty well, and still works at the grocery store at the age of 74 because he's too bored just being retired.

And his Cordy cardiac doc actually told him this week that she's leaving the practice. He doesn't know if he's going to switch to a different doctor in the practice (which is an excellent practice), or find out if she's opening her own practice and follow her there.

Yeah, the pangs about things I really yearn for are, like, bad enough, but they also have a certain poetry...that is when I'm not thinking stupid shit like "Use Dave as a pen name to get closer to my personal HBO trinity," It's worse when I'm so eager to beat up on myself that I do it about stuff I feel I "ought to" care about, like PR careers, when let's be real, the chair has little bearing on the level of insanity required to hire me to put a happy, shiny, gloss on shit(Unless I could only get paid to love stuff I really love, then I could be Don Draper without the pants problem.) But I understand puppies and ice cream seldom need publicists anyway. Cindy, I really hope so also. Teppy, one important ingredient in one's winning at life is staying in it so not relapsing? Totally better.(And, hey, I (almost) died twice...I get points for that, too. Once at birth...once I was rolling in the street and a car came so close my life flashed in front ofme. But I count it, cause metaphor) It looked like the wrong end of a telescope so I didn't *learn* anything, but i did recognize scenes from my life.

Hi, Cindy! I still owe you pictures. Sorry.

Erika, I'm sorry. I know those types of feelings.

It took us 3 hours to makes the 1 hour drive to the wake last night, which would have sucked even my anxiety levels weren't already at 7 to begin with. We stayed for the last hour of the wake and then got a quick meal with mom and stepdad. The least cranky person at the end of the night was the teething 7 month old. Now I'm awake because I just fed ltc and I can't fall back to sleep. I have to be up in 3 hours to get ready to go to the funeral.

{{Bitches}} So sorry for the life anxiety. I hope there is renewing rest to happen this weekend.

Our family has a wide variety of "success" stories in career, health, and happiness. I am confident that for my parents they were most concerned with 2 of those 3. They wanted us healthy and happy. As a parent I know that is my concern. Yes, I want to see them reach their full potential and all that. It would be damn cool if they were spectacularly financially successful and took care of their aged parents!! But the only thing that causes me anxiety and loss of sleep is their happiness. I know that comes from within and their isn't much I can do about it but let them know they are loved.

Both are here at the moment. Both still finding their way. Wish there was a way to skip the lessons we have to learn for ourselves.

I honestly look at everyone in here as hugely successful; you're all succeeding at surviving this life and making something of yourselves in the ways that matter: rich family lives, jobs or hobbies or side-efforts that you are passionate about, a close circle of found family that provides support and love. We're all reaching for something and I think that's what matters--having goals and dreams and never letting go of them. It makes life fascinating and worth living. Go, you all! Like the Doctor says, "I've never met anyone who isn't important."

edited for correct word usage.

Tubbs showed up overnight, so I didn't get a picture. But he left me 41 silver fish, so hey. Snowball keeps leaving me gold fish. I think she feels sorry for me.

you're all succeeding at surviving this life and making something of yourselves in the ways that matter: rich family lives, jobs or hobbies or side-efforts that you are passionate about, a close circle of found family that provides support and love.

This is all that matters to me.

I put the pyramid out and got Ramses! Slowly inching my way to a remodel. I'm thinking the Zen garden.