Steph, have you considered a short term prescription for anxiety meds? This is a super fucking stressful time for you, it might be worth discussing with your doctor.

My doctor did prescribe Ativan for me, but said if I need it for longer than a month, she'd rather put me on an antidepressant that manages anxiety. I'm not interested in going back on an antidepressant, but she might not budge on that and refuse to refill the Ativan.

I find now-and-then Ativan to be a very helpful thing. Can you just take it with incidents and not on a regular schedule?

I am just taking it with incidents. I wasn't very specific about that; sorry. My baseline level of anxiety is about a 5 on a 0-10 scale, and while it's not awesome, I can deal with it without Ativan. But I keep jumping to utter panic with depressing regularity.

Ugh ugh ugh.

Is yoga helping at all? I found that it kept me centered in the first few months after Rob died.

I was born with anxiety brain. Since childhood I have made plans to deal with every possible contingency that I can think of. So when matt was worried about his job and started talking about the house, and what if. We needed to sell it...I gave him a list of things we would need to do to sell the house. I had plans when I was a kid on how to survive if my parents died in a horrible car accident.

Anyway, that is my coping mechanism. Seriously, I suggest making plans for every contingency. Except for getting lost, horrible things don't actually seem to happen. Having plans help me cope.

So staring with never finding a job. Ok - so you have. Ghe freelance. Job. With the nuns, but that isn't enough . So what can I sell. Can we take in borders,or maybe I'll be a pet sitter. So I think of all possibilities as well as all disasters.

I don't know if it helps, but it is what works for me

I'm a list maker. When I'm stressed, if I can get some kind of step by step plan on paper, it keeps my brain from going over it again and again. And even though I know this about myself, I'm horrible about remembering it when I'm in deep stress. And then I feel like a dolt when I do remember. Stupid brain.

At this point, making contingency plans and lists just makes my anxiety go to 11. I'm kind of disgusted with myself that I'm just helplessly flailing, but that's where I am, so I guess I have to own it.

Is yoga helping at all?

Making me more bendy, maybe. But I can't shut my brain up to get centered.

but that's where I am, so I guess I have to own it.

Yeah, that's probably a good idea. I'm sorry that this is eating your brain; it's the worst feeling. I wish I could help.

For what it's worth, Tep, Pristiq has been a miracle drug for me in controlling anxiety and depression. I have a Xanax prescription for emergencies, but I honestly haven't needed it in more than a year. I've had no weight gain or other side effects (I gained a ton of weight on Zoloft), and it's made me a functional, happier human. Not saying that's the answer for you, but I just know how crippling that level of anxiety is.