It was Epic!

So sorry for the misidentification.

I think that I am definitely going to go for the botanical drawing course book. It got great reviews on Amazon. I love coloring botanicals but am not so good drawing them.

Great find Epic!

Wow. I Am just coming off a nasty migraine and am suddenly all exclamation marks!

Sorry.

Way too exited in my glee over being well and at the weekend.

Plus. Using my fancy new stylus on my fancy new I touch when I really, truly should be asleep

So, I had an anxiety attack thing last night that lasted a few hours and I gave up trying to sleep. I haven't slept. This is bad. I'm going to have to call out from work for lack of sleep and try and figure out if I need to stay up all day and then sleep or try and get some rest and then sleep.

I'm torn.

Not so much an anxiety attack, well partly, but I think my therapist is on to something, but everything kind of welled up last night and crashed down around me. I don't even know what to say when I call work ina few hours

{{{{{askye}}}}}

Oh askye, that that really sucks. Lots of hugs for you.

Will had to go to NY For work, he had to take a client but the guy lives near here and so he came by and rubbed my back while I called work.

The store manager answered, which was good because he'sreally nice and I think i started crying when Iw as calling out. My manager is really nice and

I did get some sleep. And there's stuff I've realized and part of me wants to share it but ...there are memeories i hold on to that are painful and I replay them and think they are the cause of the hurt, but I'm beginning to think I cling to them because feeling that pain and sadness and anxiety keeps me from feeling the bigger, older pain.

Think the other pdoc was right and that Diane is right that ...I don't know if it's fair to call it PTSD but a lot of this is from all the medical stuff from childhood. MAybe it's both bipolar disorder and childhood trauma and maybe it's one and not the other and maybe I'll never know.

As shitty as i feel right now I'm starting to face things i haven't before, just the edges and it hurts. I keep having thoughts of trying to run away from things or self destruct so I can feel that and not the other older thins. Which is a pretty good summary of my whole life.

askye, you're really brave to be doing this. Holding on and getting through it without running away is very hard. My therapist likened it to the pain from a necessary surgery, it hurts like crazy but when you're through it, you feel so much better. I'm proud of you, I know we all are, and I believe you'll get through it.

askye, what Zen said, and we're here for you if you need anything.

I'm snuffly today, which is only making my "morning" sickness worse. I really hope I'm not getting sick.

askye, when you were a small child, a lot of scary, painful, confusing, and yes, traumatic medical things happened to you. You were very young, too young to understand intellectually the medical stuff. Even if the nurses and doctors and your parents did everything they could to help you understand, it might not have really gotten through the way it needs to to make those procedures feel like medical procedures to you. Events like those feel different to a child who can't process them intellectually and so create some mental distance. Not only that but the grown-ups around you may have been so focussed on making you comply in order to get things done, that they did not notice you had emotions to process about what was happening to you. It might be easy to find people whose stories seem worse to you, and say, "They have PTSD, I just had some medical procedures." But you deserve care. You deserve to not minimize your suffering for the convenience of others. Yes your parents and nurses and doctors were doing the best they could for you. But if through their own ignorance or inability they were not able to give you the emotional care you needed then so that you had to swallow your feelings then, you deserve care now. You deserve to feel fully and freely whatever emotions you have, then or now - and have those emotions accepted so that you can be the healthiest possible.

{{askye}} What they said better!

Sister says nephew looks a bit better today and they are reducing sedation so he is showing some recognition. Still in bad shape. My niece will be there tomorrow. They are cousins born the same day (2 years apart) so they are super close.