Why isi tossing junk SO DAMNED DIFFICULT? Because seriously. So inordinately difficult.

I'm feeling much better. I even went outside for the first time post-surgery that wasn't specifically for a medical appointment. I walked around the block. Literally, once around my block. It was shockingly difficult but felt great. Then I took to my bed with an ice pack for a little nap. Also, going outside is really a shock to perception of druged-uppedness. SItting inside i've gotten to feel pretty normal on 2mg dilaudid every 4 hrs. A little drunk, sure, not like I want to go drive a car or operate heavy machinery or pick up a kistka or try to draw a straight line, but just over tipsy. When I stepped outside and took a few straight steps on the sidewalk? Suddently felt REALLY DRUGGED Up. I am so ready to stop taking this nasty stuff, just need my abdomen to get onboard with the plan and stop dropping me with random bouts of "OMG, been repeatedly stabbed in the gut! Commence misery!". Seems like 11 days should have been plenty of time to come to terms with this new reality. Funny how the liver surgeon made this resection seem like a walk in the park ("couple days in the hospital, back to normal in a couple weeks!") while the hip surgeon told me i'd be overtime of comission for months. But then I was odd pain meds and feeling sore but mostly normal in a week after hip surgery while the abdominal surgery has been a major struggle in pain mangement. Of course, it might have been easier had I been in prime physical condition going into it. *Shrug* Bodies continue to be strange and unpredictable.

That reminds me, I gotta take a bag of stuff to Goodwill today.

Erin, bodies heal at their own pace. I was on Percoset for almost a month until that stupid kidney stone passed, and you had a serious surgery.

Doctors can give such conflicting advice. I'm grateful my sister's BFF is an experienced critical care and cardiac nurse, because I'll often call her and say "The doc says x amount of time, or whatever," and she'll be all "Yeah, no; more like y," or confirm.

It makes me feel much better.

I hate weekends. Friday was our day to do things. Now it's two days in the house surrounded by my old life and trying to carve out something new. I bounce between cautious anticipation and so much of "why the hell bother."

I know this is all standard and that it will get better--I hope--but damn.

I ask myself "What would you be doing if he was here?" And honestly, not much more than what I do do. With his health, I'd always be worried, and in all fairness, I expect this only happened a few years earlier than it would have anyway.

Nobody wants to go through the coping, we always want to have coped. I just have to keep telling myself that I will get to Have Coped. But he was my bulwark against the world. Having him around didn't change events, but I had him at my back. This being in the midst of Coping sucks.

Nobody wants to go through the coping, we always want to have coped. I just have to keep telling myself that I will get to Have Coped.

Yes, this. Very much this.

Nobody wants to go through the coping, we always want to have coped. I just have to keep telling myself that I will get to Have Coped.

You will. You are facing this bravely and it's going to get easier. It's not going to go away but one day it won't define every hour.

What Cass said, Connie. You are incredibly brave.

Argh. The kitty is sneezing a lot more blood. We have a vet appointment at 3:00 today, which I probably can't go to because of work*, and if we end up having to have her put to sleep because it's something horrible, I'm going to be so angry I can't be there.

*(I'm really not sure what the deal is with work. My boss -- who is generally absolutely fantastic to work with -- has told me one thing about when assignments are due, but then keeps asking me WAY before that date if I've been able to return them. And I've asked her for clarification once already, and she clarified the original time frame, and then goes back to asking me "Did you return anything over the weekend?" I finally sent her an email this morning saying, look, here is the exact text of what you've told me about due dates, and I've been working under the assumption that that's correct, but if you need me to work weekends, I need to know that now so that I don't miss deadlines that I didn't know I had. Which is really frustrating. And just, you know, stressful.)

Argh. Boss emailed back, "Oh, [original time frame] is correct!" THEN GET OFF MY SHIT LADY.

Plei: yes, that's the site. I didn't link it, but thought the posting would give Jilli and any other gothily inclined a chuckle.

Steph, my boss does that to me all the time. "Why isn't this done?" The deadline is 2 weeks from now! "Have you finished this yet?" The deadline is NOVEMBER! It's very stressful. I say, go to the vet with your cat. Work can wait.