We will, maria, certainly. But yours has been a complex relationship for a long time and that's ok. It is always easy to blame ourselves, because we want to think we could have prevented things. It will be hard that you fought, and that will be part of your regrets, but you didn't make this happen.
I don't know what you believe about the afterlife, but if you do believe, then maybe you can also believe that he knows now how much you love him. I know many Buffistas don't frame their thoughts this way and that's fine if you don't, but if you do, it may be comforting to you.
P.s. also totally allowed to be mad at God.
Maria, I'm going to give you some unsolicited advice because I have it to give. You can ignore it, of course, but maybe it will be useful to you. You're going to have a lot of feelings that seem wrong or have no basis in reality or just don't seem like what you "should" be feeling. Go ahead and feel them just as hard as they come on. They're emotions, they may not mean what you think they mean.
That's good advice. And how gracious, -t, for you to speak out of your experience here.
Oh Maria, I am so so sorry.
-t, I'll take whatever you have to give. I'm sorry we're in the same goddamned club now.
Everyone else, I need you too. Don't give up on me.
We won't. We're here for you. Hold onto us. And onto your realspace peeps, but you know, Buffistas keep odd hours, so we're here when the others crash out!
Listen to -t, she's right. And know that we're here. Someone is always here, to listen, just for you to know someone's here. I'm so sorry, Maria.
We're here for you, Maria.
It's a terrible goddamned club, but full of supportive members.
