I love this blog post that Jennifer Crusie wrote about money and food. link

My bad wolf has my father's voice, despite his never denying himself anything, he's got me halfway convinced that anything more than a sack of grain, foraged from in the dark is too much for me.

Yeah, the bad wolf thing, especially this:

That voice inside that says if you’re in trouble, you must suffer until you fix things? That’s your bad wolf, sitting there with a fork, licking his lips.

Sounds very much like the bootstraps thinking that I associate with certain conservative/Tea Party/Republican folks. You're poor? How dare you have an iPhone! How dare you wear new clothes! How dare you have jewelry! How dare you have anything other than rags and government cheese!

Doesn't matter if the iPhone was a gift, if the jewelry was from a beloved deceased family member, doesn't matter if the clothes were a lucky find at Goodwill. How dare you be anything other than wretched.

My horrifying ex-friend the ER doctor always used to (and probably still does) complain about uninsured people coming in to "his" ER and pulling out iPhones. Or being well-dressed. Like uninsured = street urchin. I truly believes he thinks there are 2 groups of people: (1) Those Like Him, Who Deserve What They Were Born To, and (2) street urchins, who deserve nothing, since they won't pull themselves out of the systemic poverty and oppression they were stupid enough to be born into.

wrod. I gave myself such a hard time about a $2 kindle book today.(I mean, I am trying to save money and I have bought a few more than I intended based on, say,"Such a deal!" prices, but that two bucks will neither make me nor break me.)

Continued conception~ma, sj! Hope you had a good coffee date with thessaly.

askye, I hate that feeling. Glad you found your meds.

Every time I hear that bootstrap phrase, I want to use my bootstraps to choke someone. I've been having some interesting conversations with my mom about these kinds of things, and am heartened by how much common ground we find on many social issues. She's considering registering Democrat (instead of independent) to express how disgusted she is with the Republicans.

Steph, not that you're going to talk to your ex-friend again, but you could ask him how much debt he has and when he last went on a vacation/bought a car/ate out somewhere fancy. I'm guessing he makes his own irresponsible financial choices, they're just more private. Plus, an iPhone service plan costs way less than health insurance, and people need a goddamn phone.

...oh, hello, choir.

Not to mention that sometimes people have money/a job, and can afford an iPhone. And then lose that job/money, and no longer have, say, health insurance or enough cash for a doctor, etc.

And I should either be at a doctor's appointment or sitting around going "Nope. Not walking today, either." But still manage to have the kind of attitude that lights up a room, like crips on TV have.

Not to mention that sometimes people have money/a job, and can afford an iPhone. And then lose that job/money, and no longer have, say, health insurance or enough cash for a doctor, etc.

Yup. Again, choir. I don't understand how people think that if you're poor/unemployed/underemployed/uninsured, then you MUST be a street urchin or else FUCK YOU.

Oh, god, the "I don't deserve to take up space" feeling. It's taken decades to finally give a name to the thing that made me hesitate to do things for myself until I do stupid things because I feel angry and deprived. Now I just need to find the way to undo that feeling.

Is taking Valium with coffee counterproductive? Because the idea was to calm down without falling asleep.

Today I told my boss that I'm a delicate flower and I can't handle all this stress. She laughed. I don't know if she understands me real well, or not at all.