[link] TEPPY. FOR YOU.

Oh yeah, I need that. Most people have actually been fine when I said, "No hug, please," but I pretty much quickly followed up with an explanation that there were too many people and I was crowd-claustrophobic (although, DAMN, I shouldn't even have to explain that; I should be able to not hug for whatever reason I want, but I've been socialized to apologize for not going along with the prevailing cultural behaviors).

But one person, even after I explained that there were too many people, took several steps closer to me so that I quickly backed myself against a wall to try to get away, and then started PETTING MY HAIR. Tim said he couldn't believe she still had a hand left after that. (When she did it, I lurched away from her hand violently and said, "You're WAY too close to me right now; I wasn't joking about the claustrophobia.") What the hell, people. Your boundaries are for shit.

But it's been more or less fine, because I was mentally steeled for 400 people crammed in a hotel. However, we went to classes all day, and went out to lunch with 6 people and out to dinner with 11 people. I have had NO downtime and no alone time since 9 this morning. So we got back to the hotel after dinner and I needed to shower so we could change and go back for the party.

In the shower, I realized that I was willing to make my appendix burst through the power of my mind if it meant I didn't have to go back to the party. After 11 hours of being with WAY too many people, I could not even fathom going back into a loud, hot, crowded hotel ballroom full of people with no boundaries whose boundaries are not the same as mine (it's not a case of right or wrong; mine are just different from the majority, and that's okay, but hard to constantly police).

So I am curled up in bed, happily missing the party, and planning to steal all the toiletries from Housekeeping (it's Crabtree & Evelyn's Citron Honey and Coriander [since coriander is just another word for cilantro, I am laughing my ASS off at the fact that I took a shower with soap that would be incredibly divisive to Buffistas]).

Tim went to the party, which I encouraged him to do. This isn't a relationship where he can't have fun without me. (Given the nature of what goes on at these parties, this IS a relationship where there are a lot of things he doesn't do at the parties with anyone but me [and really, we do most shenanigans in private because I am a very reserved person], but there's some stuff I'm totally fine with him doing with other people. [I never know how much detail alla y'all want to know, so I'm trying to be on the vague side here.])

I did give him a short list of people he could bring home for me as a party favor. Seriously, we have a friend who looks like David Bowie. *Everyone* has the hots for him. It's like a rule.

I'm totally fine with details, but I don't need them, so share what you're comfortable with.

But good for you for doing so well, and then knowing your boundaries. And ha, cilantro soap wars! Wait, isn't part of the issue that cilantro tastes like soap to some people? So cilantro soap should be totally fine.

On cultural boundaries, I had to laugh at the Native Ministries collaborative meeting. The two organizers were from California, and the dude did ministry somewhere else (China?). I forget. But they clearly didn't know about the space issue thing, so we were standing in a circle chatting, and they kept stepping forward emphatically, and I and the Navajo dudes all kept stepping backward to keep them at the right distance. I wanted to take them aside and tell them what they were doing, but they never noticed. They were just so puppy happy and enthusiastic. And we were all, okay, white dudes, you are too close to me now, signal: retreat!

they kept stepping forward emphatically, and I and the Navajo dudes all kept stepping backward to keep them at the right distance.

I get into this situation all the time with international students. I step backwards, they step forwards, and we end the conversation on the other side of the room from where we began it.

I hate people who touch me when I don't want to be touched. Like the time I was out at happy hour with my coworkers, and a guy in the bar came up to ask one of my coworkers if her mother was married(!). He was asking for a friend.

Anyway, she was on the opposite side of the table from me, and while he was talking to her, he put his hands on my shoulders. Ugh.

Tep,

glad you are getting some breathing room. Sounds like that took all your self-restraint for 2013. Whew.

And what Liese said.

And I like my space too.

Trudy, that's a lovely memory. Thanks for sharing it.

Steph, applause for not smacking that woman who touched your hair. I'm glad it's all working out.

My physical boundaries are strangely permeable. If I don't actively dislike a person, I can tolerate a lot of closeness and touching, which is weird for an introvert, I think.

Trudy, that was a wonderful memorial.

I would have hit that woman, Steph!

I'm very particular about who can and can't touch me. And no one invades my space!

Was reading here today, and just wanted to send my ~mas to all of you. While I don't have the time to write and read here as I'd like to or used to, it really helps to know there's such a place online (or well, at all), and go on with my unglamorous daily chores that keep me away from writing/reading here more often.

So, just wanted to say that. Just reading how you're helping each other helps me to keep my head up. Thanks for that.

(Cross posted with Natter)

I'm very introverted and generally all in for being touched by people I like. I'm one of those annoying huggy people. But I also try to respect boundaries and would never go in for a hug (or any kind of contact) on someone who flinches or gets that look of terror in their eyes. The tells are very obvious if you bother to look for them, no love to the grabby hands lady.