What gets me is that I felt I was so desperate to be loved that he was my only chance at that. And I stuck around because I didn't think I'd be able to find anyone else.

You only had one side of the story. He wasn't a bad person, but it took me too long to realize that he wasn't the right person for me. I miss him, I still love him, and I wish he was here, but I don't miss what our relationship was at the end.

I miss the shared-ness of life together. I miss how we were at the beginning, And I want that back. I can be alone, but I don't want to be. I'm just happier when the burden is shared with a significant other. But the next one will be very different.

I often contemplate what life will be like when the odds finally catch up with Hubby and I'm on my own. I think it will be the ongoing conversation, with all the inside jokes and references, that I will miss the most.

Maria, I'm sorry for the grief. If it would help, I could take you out for ... martinis? chocolate? chocolate martinis?

You stuck with him when things got bad. Any number of people would have bailed when the going go tough. Now you're feeling what you're feeling - you'll heal at your own pace. We're with you and I'm sure I'm not the only one who'd offer a shoulder or anything else you need.

And, in completely unrelated news, there's this from Florida.

Maria, forgive me for asking either the completely obvious or the totally unhelpful, but have you looked into therapy at all? I ask because it's been very helpful for M after his brother's death. The first guy he went to, a grief counselor, was fine; he saw him for a few months, then felt like he didn't need him anymore. But later he was still having a lot of trouble dealing with things surrounding his brother's death, and finally decided to look for another therapist -- not someone who specializes in grief, just a regular therapist. He's been going for maybe six months and it has been SO good for him.

Anyway, it sounds like you could use another person to talk to, face to face, and a therapist might be a good thing to try. I hope you will *always* know that this board is your safe space, but it could help to have another way/place to talk about all this.

Health ~ma to everyone who needs it including Sail's friend, Jensen's Mother. Continued recover ma to Strix, and e-hugs to Maria, along with endorsements o what everyone said here. You are always welcome to post here, and use it as a safe space. You have a right to your feelings and they are a reasonable reaction to the circumstances. And yeah, the post was tacky and there is nothing wrong with you for having noticed that.

You only had one side of the story.

I always knew that. And it's not an unbiased way to know a relationship from one side of it. But you were honest and you never claimed that it was any story but your own. His might have been different. Would have been. But I think you were always very honest even when your feelings were conflicted, confusing or changed.

I often contemplate what life will be like when the odds finally catch up with Hubby and I'm on my own. I think it will be the ongoing conversation

I think so. Not that odds always work out the way we think they will. But I know what my Stepmom misses most is talking to my Dad. And he's still physically here but incapable of those kinds of conversation. It's what I miss too. But they had them nearly every day. I think it must be so hard for her.

Florida will never stop boggling me.

Whoa, Todd, that link is irony overload.

The podiatrist was uber-uneventful. His thought is that the infection that made me sick was something other than I thought...which isn't altogether comforting.

He says I am a candidate for the oral fungal medication regimen, but because it is hard on the liver, they need to check my liver levels. Rather than put me through another needle stick (bless him) he's checking my results from the hospital. Given how many tubes they took from me, one of them is BOUND to be related to the liver.

The most excellent news is that, despite someone telling me that the treatment is super expensive, the doc says Target has a generic for $4 per month.

Plus, one of the medications I already have, is what he would have prescribed moving forward. Gotta love a poor folks doctor for not going overboard on costs.

Have any of you ever taken this treatment?

I took an oral antifungal medication maybe 15 years ago. I had really gnarly toenails -- 9 of the 10 were very thick and yellowed and splitting and painful. Plus I had always had athlete's foot on and off for as long as I can remember.

I think I took the meds for 3 months. They worked really well -- my toenail fungus went away and I haven't had athlete's foot since then. And as far as I know, whenever I've had blood tests, my liver enzymes are all normal.

That is so encouraging!

So far, only 3 of my nails are effected, but it's been so long since I remember NOT having a bad nail and athlete's foot, that I couldn't even tell you when that was.

I'm really looking forward to not having to think about it anymore.