Man, smoking is a jerk.

Smoking is a total asshole fuckhead. I'm trying to reconcile myself to knowing that I may always want a cigarette, and that I can want it without trying to suppress the desire (guaranteed to fail anyway) or giving in. I am more addicted now than I ever was. I don't really have any confidence that this time quitting will succeed permanently, but I figure quitting when I can and limiting when I can't will help minimize my nastiness chances.

And maybe I'll suprise myself and quit permanently.

I was a health ed teacher. My grandfather died of lung cancer decades after he quit. I know all the diseases, all the risks, both health and aesthetic. But when I really want one, especially if I've had some alcohol? Doesn't fucking matter.

Then I redirect the stinkeye to the persons or life circumstances responsible, and vibe for less stress and grinding and difficulty in general.

Oh, yeah, it's not my job that makes me cry. It's just about everything else. I'd be crying wherever I was. It's just that at work I need to re-enter civilisation shortly afterwards.

Ugh, I'm sorry to hear about all the crying in cars that's been happening. I wish I could magic all the pain and frustration away.

Now that the rubble of the past semester is starting to clear, I have realized that I just barely pulled through things. Really. I f*ed up a bunch of deadlines and responsibilities and let my house descend into chaos. What gives? I haven't been feeling depressed but I sure as hell must have been out of it these past few months. Weird.

My mom quit cold turkey like 30 years ago. I still remember it, because that was the closest she ever got to a Betty Draper period. I don't think she has cravings anymore, but she does say when she finds out she's dying, she may just say "fuck it," and light up. I think it's a nostalgia thing now. Like elephant bells, but deadly.

My mother "tapered" using cigars.

Many years later, the closest I've ever come to being a smoker was cigars. I really like them. As long as I'm smoking them, that is. Other people smoking them, and after I've smoked one--pretty fucking nasty. I can see how it would be a step towards quitting.

My mom quit cold turkey after some hypnosis. It is kinda amazing, considering how much she had smoked, that none of her late life health issues were related to her smoking.

Noodle is on my lap, licking the heck out of my blanket. This cat will lick anything and everything.

I hate hate hate cigars. I wonder if I'd like a pipe, I do like the way they smell. I've thought about e-cigarettes, but I don't know how much safer they really are.

So, workplace drama (whee! not). L runs his own crew. H works for my boss (the company owner). M technically works for L, but usually works with H. All three and the rest of L's crew are Honduran. The more I learn about L, the less impressed with him I am. I had a long conversation with M on Friday, about how he hates working for L and had quit but my boss convinced him to come back, and how he wants to work directly for my boss. And then today I find out that L complained to my boss that I don't clean up after myself. Excuse me?!?! I not only clean up after myself, I work neatly so I don't make much of a mess AND I help clean up after his crew as well. Kiss my ass, dude. Fortunately, my boss knows it's crap, he sees me cleaning up all the time

Eventually, I'm going to be dictating work procedures to L and his crew for lead safety purposes, and I can tell already it ain't gonna be pretty. I bet I'll hear some "puta" then.

I'm working from home the rest of the day - my back keeps wanting to go out and I've still got admin stuff I can do. Seriously, this has been a really bad round of PMS both emotionally and physically.

My mom smoked all her life, up until she went into assisted living, where she wasn't allowed. Yet at the end, her lungs were fine. My BFF smokes, and it worries me. She's under tremendous stress right now, so I understand why she's giving up on quitting for now, but it still worries me. I have never smoked, and yet I have asthma. Possibly from secondhand smoke, from my family and then from working in bars in the 80s.

e-cigarettes

This makes me think you smoke them online or something. Like a virtual pet. Seems like it would be pretty safe!