Wow, Jilli, that's quite something to learn. I hope you process it well.

I'm doing the best I can. I will say that my therapist is fantastic.

msbelle - I think that going to Target and escaping without making massive amts of purchases is a WIN not a fail.

Since I'm going to the gym regularly now, and they have a pool, I bought my first swimsuit in 30 years. Being a cheap person, I checked with K-Mart first, but they apparently don't think women will want swimsuits for another month. So I went to WalMart, who had just put out their suits. They actually had some my size, black and fuschia/purple. I was going to go for black, but Hubby said, "People wear black at the gym because they want to be stared at." I shrugged, because the purple was a really nice color.

So I tried it on, took a deep breath, and raised my eyes to the mirror. "Oh, my god," I said, "I'm a grape." "What?" Hubby called from outside. "Never mind."

I got a t-shirt to wear over it in the pool, but when I got to the locker room, I paused. A t-shirt was not going to disguise the fact that I'm fat. And it was just going to be bulky, clingy stuff. And the purple was really a fantastic color to my eyes. So I boldly walked out to the pool in all my jumbo-sized grapey glory. I am fat, but by being at the gym I am showing that I'm not just a lump sitting in front of the TV stuffing my face--I do that when I get home from the gym. I am me, I am fat, and I'm going to paddle around happily in the pool.

That is a very healthy attitude. Good for you. And a beautiful purple you like is a good choice.

Power to you for not hiding. I have no idea what your husband means when he says people wear black at the gym to be stared at. I'm slanted because I go out of my way to get my socks in black, etc, but it's really the most default colour out there. If it's between black and purple to generate stares, black is not the attention-getting answer.

One thing I love about my gym (the local Y) is that there are all shapes, sizes, ages, and levels of ability working out side-by-side. The only people you don't see are people who are obviously togged up to meet other people.

The 'meet market' gym seems to be the 24 Hour Fitness up the street. Fewer kids, and I think that the big glass windows that open up the entire gym to full view from the sidewalk scare away most non-narcissists. The fact that the place is next door to BreadCo. (aka Panera) makes the situation a bit funnier to me than perhaps it should.

I hate gyms with the windows that display right onto the street like that. It was one of the important choices in my last gym. I don't mind the idea of looking at people as you work, but I don't like my exercise being looked at.

One of the krav windows was directly visible from the sidewalk, but at least we were focussed on a class then.

My Y has no external windows for their main workout areas. Thank goodness.

Popping in to say "Thanks, Nilly!"

Jon B., Jen K., and Cousin Nicole.

I purposely wore a shirt to match the tablecloth.

The crowd at my gym tends to young and fit and checking each other out from the corner of their eyes. Apparently the crowd in the morning--when Hubby generally goes--tends to the fabulous. He keeps telling me about the conversations he overhears in the locker room: trading waxing tips, admiring each others pecs, and such. In the women's locker room they're either talking about their dates or their kids, not nearly interesting enough.

The black-is-for-staring-at comes from his observation that most of the preeners and posers are wearing tight, black outfits. I was going to tell him that anyone who wanted to ogle me in my black swimsuit had a whole different criteria than the posers, but the purple was too wonderful.

It's very funny to see the people who do two reps on a machine, then pause to stretch and glance around. The leg machines I use are next to the free-weights area, and I love watching the drama. The serious lifters are more decorative, though, because they have terrific arms and shoulders. I've perfected the "No, I'm actually staring just to the side of you, I'm not staring at you--though I have a terrific view of the mirror right behind you" look.