you weren't dying

No, but if I were dying and I wanted to be alone, I wouldn't be less lying when I said so.

I know it's hard, but so is being sick.

Popping in to echo ita and report that I am, in fact, still alive.

Being sick can be hard, indeed. And this sickness has been the hardest of my life. BUT, I'm getting better and really nice things continue to happen.

Thanks, Sparky, for passing my email on to smonster. I've got to fix her address on my list.

For everyone else, the message talked about how this challenge has taught me a lot about acceptance and how amazing a community can be. It included, ala an Oscar speech, the list of people who have been so incredibly supportive that it boggles my mind. I sent it out on the 24th (if you'd like to read it, drop me a line and I'll forward) and, since then, the list has gotten even longer.

For example, last Saturday I ventured out for a walk to the cash machine a half block away. That turned out to be a mistake. On the way back, I remember saying to myself, "I really hope I don't see anyone I know because I'm going to have to lie down in the street, right here." As I stood, leaning against a pylon, Bob, the gentleman who demos and sells this awesome vegetable peeler at the Market on the weekends walked up and asked me if I was all right.

I really wasn't okay at all. He slipped his arm under mine and in the loveliest, courtly gesture said,"I would like to walk you home."

Mind you, my house was roughly 100 feet away, but I could not get there on my own. With grace and genuine concern, he saw me there safely...shared some of his recent medical travail and, in general, saved me from a great deal of pain and embarrassment.

That's been the story of this adventure. I think about needing something and a few minutes later someone calls and offers it.

I've been overwhelmed and wondering how I could ever pay everyone back. One friend chastised me for that impulse with, "Why would you deny me the opportunity to be generous. And, anyway, what makes you think you haven't already done enough for me?" Which, I'm abashed to say, is pretty much what I would have said to anyone else...so there you go.

I want to feel better than I do. I'm so incredibly tired all the time, it spits in the face of my 'tough' self image. Last night, I heard a faint crackle in my lungs and had a bit of a panic about the 'relapse' that everyone has been warning me about. I'm voting for just needing more rest, which I will get in the next few days.

Thankfully, I've been able to resume work...even to the degree that my dog clients don't want to wait for me anymore and are offering to pick me up so I don't have to walk to their houses. Which is awesome.

Tomorrow is three weeks since I came home from the first hospital stay and Bartleby has been back home for a week.

In further echo of ita, I was unbelievably grateful that the little guy wasn't here when I was the sickest. That would have been awful. but it is lovely to have him back. A dog walker has been coming for him in mid day, paid for by a friend, which is further awesomeness.

Today, I ran across a prayer I wrote down just about two weeks ago, asking God to stop my heart and let me go. By the grace of whatever power there is in my life or in myself, I can barely remember how bad it felt...but for me to give up, it had to be pretty frickin' bad. So, in contrast, today?

I feel great.

Thank you all for your good thoughts. As has been said so many times before, this is one incredibly powerful group. I'm blessed to have you in my life!

eep. I hope I didn't kill the thread!

I hope I didn't kill the thread!

Sheeeit, no. Bitches don't die that easily. And I'm so very glad to have you back!

That`s lovely, bonny. We`re happy to hear you`re doing better.

bonny, so, so good to hear from you!

bonny!! I keep remembering to call you only when I can't call you. So good to see your pixels. Take it as easy on yourself as you possibly can. I think about you every day.

I didn't get all done I wanted to tonight, but I emptied the dishwasher, loaded it, handwashed the rest, folded a bunch of clothes, put stuff on my calendar, and Frontlined all three animals. That'll do, pig.

Huh. I appear to be slowly gathering something of a photography following on Twitter.

Sheeeit, no. Bitches don't die that easily.

I think I need a tattoo of this.

Bonny! So glad to see you back, and I am so sorry you have been so ill.

You're a nice person, and you'll do something nice for people down the road. Not like payback to the peeps that helped you, per se; just being nice generally breeds. Don't worry about that; focus on feeling better.

You can't be nice unless you feel well, so rest up and the niceness will take care of itself.

I fully believe in spurts of nice, buffered by healthy bouts of insular crankiness.