Oh yes, with coloring before bed instead of thinking about goodness knows what, I'm falling right to sleep. Crazy good.

Trudy, thanks for your thoughts about wiring...lj is being strange here today or I'd leave that there.

thanks - I I started on a zpack today but getting food down my throat so I could take it

I like coloring too! I have some books with mandalas, and they're very calming.

Which probably means I should do some coloring right now, because I'm not dealing with the stress well at all. After struggling with dieting for, well, years, today I'm right back at the heaviest weight I've ever been, back when I was dating Mr. Honey-You-Look-Lovely-Have-Some-Chocolate. And of course, I have this business trip this weekend and I can't wear any of my business clothes (surprise!) so now I'm frantically trying to put together some outfits without spending too much on something I'll likely only wear once. And we're going to St. John next month, the only time I've ever been to a tropical place and probably the only time I ever will, and all I can think about is how fat I am and I can't wear a bathing suit (I can't swim anyway so really it's not that much of a problem) and how awful I'll look in those once-in-a-lifetime photos. I just want to cry. I was never fat when I was younger, I didn't start putting on weight until I started taking antidepressants when I was 27. I gained a hundred pounds over about four years, and I can't seem to get back to what I consider normal for me. I don't think of myself as fat, and when I see what I really look like now, I feel like I've ruined myself. Like no matter what I've done in my life (not that much, really) I'm a total failure because I can't get my figure back. I don't feel this way about other fat people; why can't I give myself a break and just accept myself as I am now? Yeah, I feel like a failure for *that*, too. I feel hideous and I don't want anyone to see me. Why the hell can't I just lose the weight? Everyone in my family is a tiny little thing, and then there's me, towering over them, almost as big as all three of them together, feeling like Godzilla. What's wrong with me?

Sorry for the big ol' emo dump; I just need to say something and there's no one to talk to.

I just got an email from a pretty non-participatory parent in my Daisy troop. He had emailed me a few weeks ago asking about financial records for the troop. I talked to him at the last meeting and said, "I'm not ignoring you, but Im wrapping up my semester and an swamped. I will get the report together for the parents and get it out as soon as I'm done with school."

Today, I get an email that basically says, "I expect a financial report for this year AND last year by Sunday evening since you are off on Spring Break this week."

You're right, douchebag, I am on vacation. And also in the week before finals in which I have 2 papers, 2 projects, and 3 finals to take. You'll get the damn report when I'm fucking done with it. Which, according to my GS COUNCIL isn't due to them until fucking June.

I don't mind giving the information, but this db barely participates, his daughter sold almost NO cookies, they don't donate bottles for the troop to run off of, and still his daughter gets the same benefits as every other girl that busted their ass to raise money for the troop. Does he really think I'm absconding with the fnds or some such shit? He constantly starts his comments to me with, "In the Boy Scouts ..." which just sets me off.

This is also the same guy that told me last year the the "t" in t-ball stood for "wet t-shirt contest" and proceeded to squirt me IN THE BOOBS with this water bottle. I hope to hell he doesn't put his daughter in my troop next year because quite frankly? She's as much a pain in the ass.

What an ASS, Aims.

Dear parent:

I expected you not to be such an ass. I guess we're both disappointed.

WTF, Aims? Why does he get to demand financial reports at the drop of a hat? Tell him that they get put together at the end of the fiscal year so you gotta wait till then.

I gained a hundred pounds over about four years, and I can't seem to get back to what I consider normal for me.

I know how frustrating this is- the exact same thing happened to Tom, only it was more like a hundred pounds over less than 2 years. I'm sorry, Zen- if it helps, you absolutely haven't ruined yourself. I hate that practically everything we're exposed to is telling you that you have.

This is also the same guy that told me last year the the "t" in t-ball stood for "wet t-shirt contest" and proceeded to squirt me IN THE BOOBS with this water bottle.

WHAT!?!?! God, I want to cockpunch him.

I hear you Zen--I've "only" gained about 30 pounds, but a lot of it in the last six months after I stopped taking Topomax (which kills appetite, and now I feel like I MUST EAT ALL THE TIME)

I like coloring too! I have some books with mandalas, and they're very calming.

...and I'm clearly hungry, because I read that as "malasadas"