I'm scared that if I can't bear this pain now and it's just my uncle, what's going to happen when it's my father, or mother, or sister, or husband? I will break, and I won't be able to put myself together again.
Several other, wise people said very smart things. I'll also add, in all seriousness, that sometimes drugs help, too. I got through my dad's last days and the following ceremonies and organization and whatnot with the help of friends, family, screaming into a pillow, and Xanax. While not everyone needs all of these, I think each can have a place. Drugs didn't stop me from feeling, but they helped me keep it together while I needed to do other things, and then fall apart in a safe, private place.
I am sorry about your uncle's prognosis.
When my dad was dying in the ICU, we were all frayed to bits. I was staying with my mom, and I would tell her I was going to bed around 8pm every night, but it was just that I REALLY needed to get away from everyone by the end of the day. I laid in bed every night and read
Notes From a Small Island.
Bill Bryson saved my sanity during that last stretch. I lived in that book like it was a desert island in the ocean.
There's something in Erin's post that reminds me of an Emily Dickinson poem, one of my favorites, and one I think of often when life gets hard. Number 419 (I hope I get the breaks right):
We grow accustomed to the Dark--
When Light is put awway--
As when the Neighbor holds the Lamp
To withness her Goodbye--
A Moment--We uncertain step
For newness of the night--
Then--fit our Vision to the Dark--
And meet the Road --erect--
And so of larger --Darknesses--
Those Evenings of the Brain--
When not a Moon disclose a sign--
Or Star--come out--within--
The Bravest--grope a little--
And sometimes hit a Tree
Directly in the Forehead--
But as they learn to see--
Either the Darkness alters--
Or something in the sight
Adjusts itself to Midnight--
And Life steps almost straight.
{{{Maria}}} Thinking of you.
~ma to all who need it. Sadly, I barely keep up around here anymore. My newly walking boy takes all of my time!
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aw, geez, GC! That's A LOT of cute!
Oh, Glam... he looks so PROUD!
It's good to see you, though!!
ADORBS!
There's a book I read quite a while ago, with the main character a woman who has had her sojourns in mental institutions and who is now trying to rebuild her family and life while everyone watches carefully to see if she's going to collapse again. She has a tricky relationship with her mother, and in one less-fraught scene she wonders to her mom about how Mom has coped with so much angst. Her mom shrugs. "It's what you do. The streets aren't full of weeping women sitting on the curb."
I find that very comforting in a not-too-fuzzy way.
He's pretty cute, no? Seriously, he is walking like crazy now - it is so adorable.
