I was doing what I needed to do for MYSELF. The fact that my father benefited was essentially beside the point.

Is where 95% of any benefit of the doubt or mercy or forgiveness comes from with me. I am not a good or a nice person. But I need to jettison every bit of anger, fear, or hatred--justified or not--in order to survive, so that's what I try to do. If someone else benefits, fine. But I don't do it for them.

See, I think this does make you a good person where all values of good equal reducing the sum total of human suffering. It's people who think they ARE doing if for someone else without really forgiving or letting go of stuff that get into trouble in the long run.

the inmate who sidled up to me and stated with some pride, "I've never been arrested for something I did not do." Turns out he had a lifelong habit of robbing banks to support the violent overthrow of the government.

That's...I don't want to say "awesome," but at least he owned his shit, you know?

Honestly, it really WAS awesome. Every single con, except for this particular con and the 'wrong place/time' con, tried to con me.

At first I sort of understood. You know, I couldn't blame them for taking whatever shot they had. After a while though, it just became oppressive. Especially the ones who thought I was so stupid (because of being female = defective) that they could woo me into falling in love with them and giving them all my money and working to my dying breath to get them out.

It ground on me. I will not lie.

When the small group I worked with got clear that I could not be buffaloed in this way, things turned ugly. The biggest, meanest of the murder/rapists decided to go off on me about being a uppity white bitch who was somehow getting off on telling them what to do.

I didn't mind that until he made a crack about how I never suffered a day in my life. It was the wrongest possible to say that to me.

Something came over me and I became a teeny bit dissociative. (This is the only explanation I have for coming out of my mouth with what I said, within ham-fisted reach of a man who was serving 3 sequential life sentences for the handful of women he had been convicted of raping and murdering. Consensus was that he had gotten off easy for lack of evidence, if you know what I mean.)

I, quite calmly, looked him square in the eye and said something about how I respected his suffering but he didn't know me and couldn't comment on my experience. He spit at me and said something I can't actually remember that had something to do with shopping and privilege...or something.

I remember exactly what I said because, as soon as it was out of my mouth, a voice in my head said something like, for the love of god, run!

It was truly ugly. When I was done, I thought I was going to throw up, so I went to the bathroom. After I'd puked and washed my face, I prepared to get a guard to escort me out.

When I exited the bathroom, the inmate facilitator was outside the bathroom door...on his knees. With tears in his eyes, he blurted, "I know you want to leave. And I don't blame you but please, please have the courage to walk back in that room. No woman has ever spoken to those men like that. Please don't let it be for nothing. You don't owe them shit, but for me, please, please don't go. I'll protect you."

At first I said no, but eventually relented. It was all so surreal. The wrong place con wept and gave me a standing ovation. Everyone (excepted for the shamed offender) gave me a standing ovation.

Later that day, one of the young offenders 'accidentally' felt me up and the older cons covered for him.

I quit.

Prison is not for sissies.

Sheesh Hil, you've already eliminated all the major sources of cholesterol (i.e. animal products), what other kind of "diet change" is supposed to help? (Aside from copious quanities of oatmeal and cheerios)

A few years ago, a doctor sent me a letter telling me to reduce my intake of red meat and dairy products. It's like, at least make an effort to pretend you're not just sending a form letter. This one kind of puzzles me with its advice to "change diet" and absolutely no suggestions of what changes to make.

I posted this in Natter about a week ago, and it may or may not be useful (or frustrating): large, population-based studies pretty much have proven that reducing dietary intake of cholesterol-containing foods does not have an appreciable impact on lowering a patient's serum cholesterol. The bigger problem is your body making way too much cholesterol.

(Allow me to post the usual caveat: obviously there are individual people for whom reducing dietary cholesterol has an impact. I am not saying that does not happen to select people. All studies have outliers. AND, personally, I would rather try to change my diet first than go right to Lipitor, and I say that as someone who probably has Lipitor in her future [though my cholesterol kicks ass right now]. However, the "conventional wisdom" that reducing dietary intake of high-cholesterol foods will lower serum cholesterol to a level that has an appreciable health benefit is not supported by scientific evidence.)

large, population-based studies pretty much have proven that reducing dietary intake of cholesterol-containing foods does not have an appreciable impact on lowering a patient's serum cholesterol. The bigger problem is your body making way too much cholesterol.

This is actually very helpful to me. My cholestrol is not dangerous, but is on the high side despite the fact that I don't eat any red meat or much dairy at all. Only olive oil, lots of fiber, etc. Dietary stuff just doesn't seem to impact that number for me.

Since diet and exercise are the only options I have for my cholesterol and triglycerides now that I can't take any of the drugs due to my weakened pancreas, I certainly hope that the have an impact.

Since diet and exercise are the only options I have

Well, what I posted was about cutting out high-cholesterol foods, because in terms of a patient's cholesterol levels, the effect of what cholesterol they consume doesn't jack up the levels. What I did NOT post about was about consuming foods that have proven to reduce cholesterol. Cutting out egg consumption is the former; increasing salmon and oatmeal consumption is the latter.

I hope that makes sense.

Exercise is also apparently the best possible thing a patient can do to lower overall cholesterol and increase HDL (the good cholesterol). Time after time, controlling for all other factors, exercise seems to act like a drug. It's wild.

This conversation on prison/jail has been very interesting. I am in county jail (which is not prison or even close) probably 2-3 times a month and the immigration detention center (like jail, I think) 2-3 times a week. So far, everyone I have ever met there has been very respectful to me - usually because I am their only shot at getting out of there. I think being a lawyer helps - a lot - and I have found that every time I feel the least bit challenged, in any way, a responding as an authority has always gotten them to back down. But I have never really felt threatened.

The thing I always find myself contemplating about jail is while I feel like I have so much to lose, it's often not a huge sacrifice for the inmates. (Obviously for some, it is.) They are often free of the problems on the outside that got them in there in the first place. So it's often not a huge punishment for them but their wives and children and girlfriends suffer hugely. Not only is there less money in the family, but now their lives are centered around making it alone while visiting dad/husband in jail every week or being available for those phone calls when they come.

I'm the first to admit that I have not been doing a good enough job with the exercise portion of the program.

I DO, however, now have a pedometer (7600 steps so far today!) that is helping to motivate me to a small degree.

The gorgeosity of the day today certainly helped as well.

So it's often not a huge punishment for them but their wives and children and girlfriends suffer hugely.

This is so very much the case.

I nearly swallowed my tongue when one of the youngest, most engaging inmates showed me a picture of his adorable two year old daughter. One of the other cons, trying to play up to me I suspect, asked him how he was going to keep that beautiful little girl off the pipe. His response was a cold, 'What the fuck do I care?" He expected the baby mama to bring him money and extra food, but the kid? She was on her own.

I'm feeling sick to my stomach and shaky in reaction to events at work today. That's why I am not responding to all the stuff I thought supportive thoughts about, or sent out ~ma for, or wished I could say something useful in regards to.

I had to call 911 for somebody today. Couldn't walk, so I helped lower the person to the floor safely, then blood pressure was about a hundred points lower than is usual. Turns out to be a bleeding ulcer, and the person will be in hospital at least one night. While the ambulance crew was there, I was at my professional best - competently balancing informing the rescue squad needed (meds, medical history, observations of current condition as well as compare/contrast with usual behavior and abilities) while at the same time managing the behavior and concerns of the three other people who live there. While I'm at work, I can put my own reactions aside, and project calm for the benefit of the people I work with. And then when I get home, that's when I fall apart.

Oh, and before that? I gave the person a haircut, which was very... interesting task what with the (mild) tremor that I've developed from my own medications. Haircut turned out pretty decent, a distinct improvement from the shaggy, unkempt hair due to months of refusing to go out of the house for any reason other than the day program. I'm glad I got that done before putting the person in the care of another agency.

The same studies suggest that overall diet can have an impact, it is just as not cholesterol specific. Some studies suggest that controlling sugar can have an affect on cholesterol. Many suggest that overall fat can affect cholesterol, though results are mixed. Many suggest while eating or cholesrol or not may or may not have an affect ratio of good fat to bad fat does - more than amount of fat. Most studies say that if you are overweight. losing weight will help. Almost all studies say exercise helps regardless of diet. Almost all studies say fiber helps. Not all studies say reducing dietary cholesterol has little affect, though many do.