I can tell you lots of parents just don't. I know, since I am the daughter of a runaway mother. My grandfather adopted me because she just couldn't get her shit together to parent a child (she had already given up a son for adoption 5 years before I was born). So, yeah, some people do put more effort into being a parent than others. It's effort, it's sacrifice, it's lots of things to be a good parent. And sometimes those of us who aren't parents (and those who are!) want you peeps with extra hard situations to know that we admire you and thank you. I hope that does not sound condescending or patronizing.

I had a really, really shitty "parent" so I am especially thrilled to see that others take parenting very seriously and do it well.

Not in my situation. And most likely not in msbelle's either. And not really in yours either.

What javachik said. By no means do all parents stick around. And some that do are horrible horrible selfish people. You're not. msbelle's not. I might be.

Oh, look, I'm awake.

Oh, look, I'm awake.

Me too, which is really incredibly stupid.

Me three, but then I'm supposed to be at this point.

So, yeah, some people do put more effort into being a parent than others. It's effort, it's sacrifice, it's lots of things to be a good parent. And sometimes those of us who aren't parents (and those who are!) want you peeps with extra hard situations to know that we admire you and thank you. I hope that does not sound condescending or patronizing.

Also, yeah, what javachik said.

Maybe instead if "I don't know how you do it" we could develop an alternative like, "I respect and honor your hard work in this difficult situation." And, you know, spread it to the masses.

I think "I don't know how you do it" fit because it's honest. And really, until you actually do it, you don't know how you do it. Sometimes while you're doing it, you don't know how you do it.

I like "I respect the job you're doing as a parent," too.

I need to hit up some places for sponsorship for our roller derby fundraiser coming up this month. It's being held in a bar, so I can't go to other bars or restaurants. But I'm going to see the tattoo parlors, the record store and a few chiropractors in town. Can't think of any other ideas.

I think that you can, you should try to avoid platitudes. You can say "I'm sorry, is there anything I can do?" pretty inoffensively, I think.

I think this. Or even less, I'm sorry and more, you seem overwhelmed.

Moreover, I generally know based on the context whether or not the person saying "I couldn't do it!" intends to be sympathetic in a way that I can dig. So when you, liese, and your DH came to visit us, if you did say it, I kinda could figure out what you meant. And I remember saying, "You could do it. You really have little choice."

Cashmere, what about coffee shops? Too bar like? Do you have a skating (and I mean skate board rather than roller skate) kind of shop? Actual alcohol brands? Tecate sponsors the LA Derby Dolls (as does Stila cosmetics!)

I really don't want to deal with today. Sadly, doesn't seem to be an option.

But, zenkitty, sacrifice, even of the banal variety, is part of any gift.

I know. But not only were their gifts useless, it made them sad, so the sacrifice was pointless. If the story had ended with them looking at each other and laughing, it would have been totally different. (Or maybe the sadness was my own projection into the story, I don't actually remember how it ended, or how the characters felt at the end.)

there are times when it is sharing in bounty, for the joy of it.

I like to do this, but people tend not to understand it. It's not their birthday or a "special" day, and they haven't done anything in particular to "earn" a gift, so they're uncomfortable.

The unsaid follow-up to "you're so strong" could be "I'd fuckng snap like a twig."

That's generally what I mean. There is a lot of strength in "doing it because you have to", a lot of people can't do it even though they have to. That's why people walk out on their families (as my aunt did, leaving behind a daughter with lupus), or worse.

I think some of us worry we'd be those awful parents who abandon their six halfgrown children at a hospital in Nebraska when they pass a dropoff law.

Exactly.

I'm trying to stop myself from saying "you're stronger than I am" or "I don't know how you do it" anymore, because I've come to realize that it's just a euphemism for "dude, your situation sucks, and my choice not to be a parent (etc.) is totally validated!"

That's honestly NOT what I mean.

It's effort, it's sacrifice, it's lots of things to be a good parent. And sometimes those of us who aren't parents (and those who are!) want you peeps with extra hard situations to know that we admire you and thank you.

That's what I mean.

I never thought mentioning the other person's strength of character or will or whatever could be upsetting, but I won't say it anymore.

I like "I respect the job you're doing as a parent," too.

I like that one.

I feel like "I don't know how you do it" is somewhat equivalent to "I can't imagine how hard this is for you." Because I think I can imagine it, but I know I really can't, not having any related experience to compare it to. Whatever "it" is.