Now that I am willing to learn to pipe up, what is the absolute most polite way to say it? It was drilled into me by my grandfather that when you're a guest in someone's home, it's nothing but rude to ask for anything special. So I am trying to overcome it.

(It's actually the main reason I prefer to stay in hotels when visiting lots of people - I am really picky, and I know I am picky, and it's just so much easier to deal with myself and not put people out. So I'd save a lot of money if I could learn to be more flexible AND to speak up!)

I think the problem is those people with intolerances or allergies who aren't content with "No, Thanks" and moving right along, and instead want to tell you long and descriptive stories of their gastrointestinal distress when they eat food X and/or attempt to convert you to their wacky colonic irrigation/foods only beginning with T/foods without a soul/etc. scheme. Those people give food intolerances a bad name, and I judge them.

Also, the people who don't say "No, Thanks" but rather "I don't eat X specific thing, do you have Y specific thing."

Because, really, the onus is on the host to think about general options, but if you can't eat one item on the menu, you should really just leave it at that.

Java, I never have a problem with people that speak up in advance, or people that bring their own options. I like to make things people will eat (because, otherwise I get no praise so what's the point?!).

It's the "I didn't tell you this, but somehow you should have known" attitude that bugs me. I am not a mindreader and my house is not a prix fixe restaurant where you are guaranteed an entree, two sides, and a dessert.

But with Adam and Erinn, I should have spoken up because it was just for the three of us and so easy to work around.

Also, this. And, because Adam and Erinn are awesome!

We brought food yesterday to some friends and if we hadn't know them well enough to have had some sense of their food issues it would've really sucked. One was a peanut allergy, so obviously critical to know. But she also doesn't eat red meat, and her husband will not eat anything resembling a vegetable in any shape or form. We were cooking out, so instead of getting the smoked cheddar and onion brats we would have gotten otherwise, we got some of those, some no onion, and some chicken sausage. Easy peasy. But if we hadn't known them well and they hadn't spoken up, we would have felt like assholes. Or, at least, bad guests.

It was drilled into me by my grandfather that when you're a guest in someone's home, it's nothing but rude to ask for anything special. So I am trying to overcome it.

Thanks so much for the invitation, I would love to come! I hate to inconvenience you, but I just wanted you to know that [insert dietary restriction or hatred here]. I'm really looking forward to it!

I am imagining Brenda's friends as People of the Carbs. (Plus Occasional Chicken.)

How do you LIVE without vegetables? Vegetables are good, people! I like almost all of them!

Communication, it's what for dinner.

Thanks so much for the invitation, I would love to come! I hate to inconvenience you, but I just wanted you to know that [insert dietary restriction or hatred here]. I'm really looking forward to it!

This is perfect.

Something like not eating meat, or some category of meat, I think I'd just say "I'd love to come for dinner. I don't eat red meat though - I hope that's not a problem?". For an actual bbq, telling them "I'm happy to bring something I can grill" would also be nice, but I'm betting nine times out of ten the response would be "oh don't worry about it, we can take care of you." Or it ought to be.

Other likes/dislikes I think are context dependent. If you know they're having pizza, I don't see anything wrong with saying "can I make a request for please no mushrooms?" If it's more a dinner party, I'd let it go and assume I could eat around them in most cases.

Depends on how ubiquitous or central the particular food is likely to be I guess - if you don't eat meat, it's going to be really obvious if you don't touch the main course. If it's a veggie or something more likely to come up as a side element, you can probably get away with taking a tiny portion or pushing it around on the plate or something without making it a big deal.

Now that I am willing to learn to pipe up, what is the absolute most polite way to say it?

"I'm a vegetarian" or "I don't eat meat" both sound fine to me.

It was drilled into me by my grandfather that when you're a guest in someone's home, it's nothing but rude to ask for anything special.

I think it's rude if you wait until the food is on the table (or later), but as long as you let the host know before s/he goes grocery shopping you're doing them a favor. "I'd love to come to dinner. By the way, I'm a vegetarian. Is there anything I can bring?"

Thanks so much for the invitation, I would love to come! I hate to inconvenience you, but I just wanted you to know that [insert dietary restriction or hatred here]. I'm really looking forward to it!

This. This is pretty much what Pete and I say. (He can't deal with nitrites, which means that unless he knows for sure, he can't have bacon, sausage, or ham. Brunch can sometimes be a very sad meal for him.)