My parents both take niacin and the flushing never subsided for either of them (it's been years, now). They can both sleep through it, though, so they just take it at night. It sounds like that might not be helpful for you, though. Good luck.

I don't think I can weigh in on the clutter conversation right now. There is information encoded in the way the clutter has accumulated and I am loathe to lose that. Eventually, a lot will have to go, but not yet.

TCG and I are both prone to too much clutter. We try to purge a bunch of stuff whenever we move, but it has been a while since our last move. And of course as I say this we are in Cape Cod where I won't be able to resist the call of more stuff.

Teppy, I hope that you're feeling better.

We actually talked about it today, driving out to his parents' house. He brought it up ("Uh, sorry about those pictures of [ex-wife].") And I told him that I would be grateful if he could get the family photos he needed off that CD and burn a new one and get rid of the CD with the nudie pictures.

He said "Oh god, yes. I was thinking that last night, but at that moment, I just needed to get the CD out of the computer and move on to looking for pictures of Mom."

I told him I wasn't *angry,* as much as I was surprised and also squicked. He said he should have been more thorough and gotten rid of stuff when I moved in, and I said, "Well, I know by now that you forget about stuff if it's not right in front of you. And I *do* appreciate that these pictures *weren't* right in front of you!"

Then he mentioned there was more than one CD of pictures he'd have to purge, and I must have given him a look akin to oh-my-god-dude-why-all-the-nudie-pix?, because he said, "They're the same pictures; I just get obsessive about backing up my computer and have duplicate CDs."

I couldn't help it; I had to laugh. The porn! Won't someone think of the porn!

Relatedly, we were out at his parents' house earlier helping with random stuff, and his dad asked me if I knew Latin. I said I knew some words, because they're the roots for English words, but not enough to translate anything, but I could probably figure it out with Google. So he asked me if I could translate a Latin phrase on the bottom of a picture of Jesus with a crown of thorns, etc., very dramatic picture.

I got on the computer to Google it, and muttered, "I feel like Giles." And Tim said "Don't speak Latin in front of the books!"

Also, Tim's dad suggested to us both that we could go to our neighborhood's Catholic church and take refresher classes on being Catholic (they're basically classes for people who want to convert, but I guess infidels like us are welcome to take them, too), and then we could be members of our local parish. Tim, being diplomatic, said, "I'll think about that." I just nodded.

I told Tim later that I know his dad's faith is extremely important to him, and I would do a LOT to support and comfort him right now, but I cannot tell his dad that I'll go back to the Catholic church. There's too much that I cannot abide or tacitly support by my membership.

Tim told me he knew that conversation with his dad would happen sooner or later, and it probably will happen again. I'm going to have to figure out how to tactfully express that it ain't for me. I don't need to bad-mouth his faith or anything, but I also cannot pretend that I'm okay with it.

Two days after the funeral, we're all (Tim's family, that is) still going away on the trip we had planned for his parents' 50th anniversary. I think it'll be good for the family, but I also don't want to get rooked into a literal come-to-Jesus conversation. Gah.

t edit

Steph, I hope the headache has eased up considerably, and everyone's doing as well as possible.

The headache WILL NOT DIE. I had to come home from Tim's parents' house so I could be in a cool, quiet, dark place (with less Jesus) and take percocet (I wasn't going to take it before driving, b/c it's a 20-minute drive to his parents' house.) Percocet puts a dent in it, but when it wears off, the pain comes back. Evil.

And suddenly I'm the keeper--that weight was crushing.

Oh, yes. I have Hubby's mother's stuff, and she had lots of old photo albums--early 1900s stuff. No names. Older relatives of Hubby's dad have said they'd love to have copies, but I don't have time to go through them and make copies and ship out etc. Plus there's all the correspondence between his dad and mom when his dad was in Nam. And I have had the responsibility for judging this stuff's worth dumped on me. "Here are the things this person judged worth keeping. Decide whether it was worth it or not." Hubby's brother and sister make vague "Oh, that stuff, kind of cool, no I don't want it" noises. His daughter shrugs. I hate the responsibility, and I hate just consigning stuff that's survived for a hundred years to the trash.

Tep:

"I know that your faith is very important to you, and I appreciate, support and respect that. I respect and love you, and while there are many things I would do to make you happy, I'm afraid this is too important for me to be dishonest to you about.

Many people I love and respect are devout Catholics, but I have too many doubts and disagreements with the Catholic church officials for me to consider Catholicism without being hypocritical, and spirituality is too important to be hypocritical about. I take it very seriously. This is something I have to firmly, but respectfully, agree to disagree with you about, but it doesn't mean that I love you any less. Catholicism is simply not the right faith for me, although it brings you great comfort."

I have success with getting rid of clutter if I think of it as potential good. So, books we won't ever reread or furniture we don't like anymore or clothes that don't quite fit, etc. is stuff that someone else WILL use and love. Keeping it in a box is just depriving them of that. I feel good every time I drop stuff off to the Goodwill, since I feel like I am giving those things another chance to do what they were meant to. Also, more room in my house and less to clean.

the wonderful thing about the ADD mind is that it can see all the possibilities in something

Oh, hell, yes. Windsparrow, thanks for the book rec - I just bought it! How did I survive before Amazon.com?

It is my morbid nature that I don't want my family, in particular DH, to have to go through my stuff when I am gone.

After having done this for my mom, and thus by default for my grandmother because it was the same house and nothing got thrown away after Mam died, my sister and I agreed that we never wanted the girls to be doing that for us - rifling through stuff that meant something once, saying "what is this and why did she keep it?" It's actually helped me get rid of a lot of stuff, asking myself "Are you gonna keep it FOREVER? And then what?" K. won't even give enough of a shit to go through it (once she gets all the skulls and gargoyles), and S. will be overwhelmed by the responsibility, and they'll end up carting it all to Goodwill without even looking at it.

I've gotten better about purging, but struggle to get it out of the house. Piles of stuff everywhere to mail, sell, donate.

And return! My impulse control is often poor when I see pretty shoes, but I end up not able to wear most of them. I'm better about it all now that there's a Goodwill right on the corner and a post office across the street, but even so, there's been a bag of "donates" riding around in the back of my car for two weeks. Because to get to that Goodwill I have to go up the hill and turn around. I mean, really!

I maintain there's a time limit on how long random objects retain their discrete object-hood when resting on a horizontal surface.

I find this theory to be true. Soon enough you stop "seeing" the Things.

I maintain there's a time limit on how long random objects retain their discrete object-hood when resting on a horizontal surface.

This is true for me, too. There's a dvd case that I can see right now from the couch where I'm typing this. It's on the table next to the dresser where the dvds live, and it's been on that table for at least two months. It may be there for another two months, because after I click "post message" I'm sure I'll forget about it. Again.

Erin? Is awesome.

Someone else's house I could do. But not my parents', not my childhood home.

I offered a friend of my mom's to help while she does that this weekend at her mom's place up here.

Thankfully my mom declutters all of the time and just asks before she gets rid of anything I might want. If she's really ready for it to go and I want it, it comes to me. Or she just notes not to purge it and keeps it. But with her asking now when it's not all emotional, I can support her in getting rid of a lot of the things. She's great about asking though because I apparently surprise her in what I have a sentimental spot for (a broken perfume jar that still faintly smells of something mysterious and mom) and what I don't (a lot of jewelry that I think needs to go to cousins or something if it was family-related).

I maintain there's a time limit on how long random objects retain their discrete object-hood when resting on a horizontal surface. That limit's expiration results in the object becoming part of the horizontal surface and no longer visible as a separate object.

So damn true. This is when I am glad to be forced into cleaning ALL of the things. Because I just don't notice.

I keep thinking that I need to just start cleaning and culling as if I were moving again.

and get rid of the CD with the nudie pictures.

Oooooooooh. They're on a cd with other things. Okay. I was honestly boggled that he'd pulled out actual pictures and then went through them. Much clearer now.

after I click "post message" I'm sure I'll forget about it. Again.

Calli! There's a DVD on your table!