The penalty I paid for not showing stress was to get pushed into high stress situations. I wasn't sure how to explain I was feeling stress, I just didn't think it appropriate to show it like my co-workers did

Yep, this is me too.

Maybe its an efficiency thing. If you're not frantic clearly you could be doing more.

I've had bosses who clearly thought that way. But I took a rather malicious joy during a meeting with a boss like that when she said "You ... are handling all of this really well", and I was able to reply with "That's because I'm on anti-anxiety medication now!" (With the very obvious subtext of look what you drove me to, oh psycho manager.)

Nora, I'm sorry your boss is being a clueless twit.

I encourage us to chat about it as well with a positive attitude and goal in mind.

"My goal is to make this chat as short as is humanly possible."

Oh, Nora, I am so sorry!

I've had both good and bad bosses -- the louder ones got the worst from me. But,the ones that decided they could control everything ... Like the head of reference that decided we shouldn't sit for more than two minuets... Oddly you can't control your employee every working minute.

Which we ending up saying as a group. The attempt to control adults with bachelors and master that were in public service by choice -- made paranoid and resentful employees in stead of good public service.

The thing is, I get called out for dumb ass shit often enough that I'm pretty paranoid. So maybe if he stopped calling me out on all these tiny non-perfect things (that are seriously ridiculous), I wouldn't have jumped to conclusions. Which I will likely say in some form or another.

And which you should say, so maybe he will stop.

Last week, a co-worker and I were working on a really frustrating case, and I was going through and fixing things in the narrative that were wrong, like using "due to" instead of "because of." She asked me why I was doing that, and I said, shortly, "'Due to' is an adjectival phrase, it's just English, it's wrong," not wanting to get into the full explanation. The next day, she pulled me into her office and said that she thought she knew it had been a hectic day, but she thought I'd been a bit mean to her, and I'd hurt her feelings. She was upset after work for a long time before she realized that what I'd said had hurt her. Now I'm a little more aware of my behavior and will try to be better about it.

I'm learning to value honest feedback like that, even if it's a little hard and uncomfortable to deal with. So I hope you and your boss can have a productive conversation.

He thinks he is all sensitive and Awesome Boss Man, but really... not so much. A lot of my "attitude problems" come from situations where I suggest changes in processes and apparently, that is not allowed. Although he says he encourages it.

(These processes I suggest, BTW, tend toward the people I support taking advantage of the easy online tools to get stuff done so that I can use my time to support double the number of people I was hired to support. But since I'm his assistant, I must assist him in every single stupid ass thing, witness my errand this morning.)

Anyone want to take bets that Nora's boss came up with the other reason for the meeting AFTER they got the email?

Raises hand.

It might not have been as direct a thought process as, "Busted! What else can I get on her for?". But if we had a psychic lying about I'd bet folding money that the mental list of things you "needed to talk about" when he sent the email started with "your attitude" and included one or two other things... and when he got your email thought, "Well, of COURSE I wouldn't be upset with her for THAT, it was these other things. Her shivering and soaked just made them occur to me, that's all."

It's no-win, Nora. If you hadn't sent the email and tomorrow's meeting had started with "your attitude" your explaination would have been met with "You should have TOLD me, we can't let these things escalate."

The thing is, I get called out for dumb ass shit often enough that I'm pretty paranoid. So maybe if he stopped calling me out on all these tiny non-perfect things (that are seriously ridiculous), I wouldn't have jumped to conclusions. Which I will likely say in some form or another.

If you can find away to say something like "you have called me in to speak about my passing reactions before...so I am glad this meeting is about something substantial"

Nora--He sounds like a total tool, but you can't control his reactions--being anal and picky and overly demanding--you can only control your own. So I would go in there and admit you jumped to a conclusion and that you will try to avoid that in the future without telling him how it's his fault EVEN IF IT IS. I don't think he can hear it and just makes you sound defensive. The next time he does snipe at you is the time to bring up that it is overeacting and counterproductive and you pwould prefer if he said x instead of Y.

Frankly, I would not like to get an email from my employee telling me they know I am going to yell at them and that I shouldn't, and I think any boss would react by wanting to talk to you about it. That doesn't mean your boss is right, just that it's not good strategy. No one likes to be taken to task for something they didn't even do--even if they have done stuff like that before.