Okay so I survived work.
I wasn't fired, my boss - who is a really great guy -- asked me why I didn't raise up the Red Flag for Help sooner, I told him...well probably too much.
The gist of it (after him meeting with the COO), is I need to get a list of things that need to be done RIGHT NOW and what they are and then a list of everything I have to do for this program and the other thing I've been given and what I need - time a way from my desk, training etc.
And then I'm meeting with him on Monday and we'll go from there. He also had no idea I'd received only a little bit of training from one accountant and that no one explained what the responsibilities would be. So one of the things on my list of needs is to know how much of this is solely my responsibility.
I realized I really need to pursue getting some therapy and I called my shrink's office and left a message so I'm hoping for a call back next week.
This kinda ties into the political stuff a bit with the claim that words don't really hurt.
One of the problems that keeps plaguing me is that I don't think I have the right to ask for help, I always approach situations as if I'll be denied help and will just be told to suck it up and deal. But that's the message I've gotten over the years for so many things. When my bipolar disorder really started effecting me in late elementary school and middle school the psychologist I was seeing would tell me things like "If you wanted to you could be like the other kids" and "If you loved your mother you wouldn't make her cry" and "You can change if you want." When I was being bullied in middle school and i finally told a teacher I was told "don't react, when you react you're making it worse and giving them a reason". And there have been other situations in jobs, like the place I was before this -- I went to help and I was told to figure it out on my own.
I'll be 37 years old and I'm still emotionally scared for what a person in power told me nearly over 25 years ago.