Cracked looks at Elves: [link]

The elves have undergone some serious changes of late. Early examples of the species tended toward being small, ineffectual, and annoying. They spent a great deal of their time bothering humans with pranks that ranged from annoying (souring your cow's milk) to "beyond Punk'd" (luring horny young men into remote locations and killing them). Medieval peasants would likely have lumped them into the same category as rats and stray dogs, if they weren't so busy starving to death and being oppressed by royalty.

...

Toward the end of the European renaissance, it appears the elves diverged into two distinct sub-species. The first consisted of the smaller, craftier elves, the kind that enjoy building toys or baking cookies. They maintained their predecessors' small, plump, ugly appearance, but they appear to have moved away from the habits of kidnapping peasant babies and killing livestock.

It is common knowledge that Santa Claus has been breeding and enslaving the minor elves for his North Pole "workshop" for centuries. No one knows where he captured his original stock, but some people have speculated that he took his reindeer sled to some isolated South Pacific islands in the 1600s to find mating pairs. (The big red sack hasn't always been used to transport toys...)

Mr. and Mrs. Claus took the chihuahua approach, selectively breeding their elves to be as small and amenable to training as possible. They attached bells to their hats and boots in order to more easily find any runaways on the vast emptiness of the North Pole. This is also why they are dressed in bright reds and greens: the better to stand out against the white snow.

Much more at the link

MONOCLES ARE BACK IN FASHION GENTLEMEN

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None of these characters, either real or fictional, wore a monocle because of poor eyesight. It is a common misconception that the glass circle is held in the poor eye to help give 20/20 vision. In fact the monocle is nothing more than a well-bred magnifying glass.

“It is always thought of an affectation,” says His Honour Judge Quentin Edwards who has used the glass most of his adult life. “But it is quite simply a clever device to help read small print or study something in detail. It is a quick and easy alternative to reading glasses and it is far more practical than carrying a pair of spectacles. I pull out my monocle to read the telephone directory, look at a menu or when I need to glance quickly at a document in court.

“You put it in your strong eye in the same way you use your strong eye to look through a microscope or fire a rifle.It is something you put in the eye when there is a need to magnify something. It is only in fiction that anybody wears a monocle all the time.”

{{{Tom}}} {{{Frank}}} {{{msbelle}}} And extra {{{}}}s for anyone else who wants to be feeling the holiday and is instead trapped by work or depression or stress or any combination thereof.

And all possible no family drama~ma to ita. I hope it all works out somehow so you can be there for your cousin's mom (and the avoidance of drama).

How is your Christmas eve going so far?

In a Christmas miracle, Matilda stirred and cried out for me right after you posted, and I went back to bed to check on her and fell asleep myself. I've been getting up at between 3 and 4 almost every morning for the last month (Ambien puts me to sleep right away but only defers wakeup time till 4, which hardly seems worth it, and Benadryl works but the gronk afterward is fierce). It's been wretched. But this morning, I feel positively reborn.

Are you able to post from umptythousand feet up, or is that just megan's Christmas superpower?

{{{Tom}}}

I'd love to see Sherlock Holmes. It won't happen tomorrow.

Kat is me. I exhausted the list of sitters and nobody was available even on Saturday. Hopefully, I can find someone next week so we can go out.

I'm giving no small amount of thanks for the fact that we are not travelling or entertaining guests this Christmas. Just us and the kids and the wintery mix of weather. But I'm making applesauce and the kids and I will be making gingerbread men later.

I kind of want Christmas to be over, too. I've been depressed as hell, seeing my family always stirs up issues for me, and my therapist is out until January.

Holidays can totally be a pressure cooker of dysfunction. You got the whole family under one roof, often combined with alcohol, and whatever weird unrealistic expectations happen around the holidays, often there are kids running around all wired on sugar and Santa, and then you think "Oh my god, Dennis Leary was right!"

It can totally suck. I myself get to see my mom and her new facelift and all her beauty issues, while I'm sick as hell and probably 10 pounds heavier than last year and not really looking my best.

Fortunately I'm kinda too sick to give a crap about her oh-my-god-I-can't-look-OLD!!! issues.

t edit And I didn't mean to make that about me. Sorry. I was expressing holiday solidarity and it became memememe. Merry merry.

Also, that unicorn doesn't have a horn. At least, not on its head.

Also, that unicorn doesn't have a horn. At least, not on its head.

Please pass the brain bleach.

My twin sister, who is recovering from her miscarriage gets to referee a Christmas gathering for our family. The big issue at the moment is wondering if the mother of one of my nephew's four year old girls will have lifted the restraining order against the other mother of his other four year old daughter before bringing her to my sister's house for the party.

Did I mention how glad I am we're not going?

Teppy, I hope the snot beast can be vanquished. I have a head cold but OTC meds are controlling it.

I am working today, but they're letting us leave at 3. It's dead quiet, and it looks like the Internet filters have been pulled.

We're going to cook at home tomorrow, and try to see Sherlock Holmes. I'm kind of glad that there aren't any family togetherness expectations. My middle sister's kids are going to her house in Pennsylvania, and she's very excited--she's the one who ended up with the maternal instincts of the family--and her pleasure pleases me.

So Happy Yule and Merry Christmas and best wishes of all the other holidays out there.

The really nice guy who always talks to everyone just came by and wished the Indian guys happy holidays and me a merry Christmas. Little does he know they plan on working all week.

God, my head hurts. I'm calling in a script for the semi-effective painkiller I think is not covered under my new insurance. Now I need to check pharmacy hours so I don't get there too late. Totally worth paying for out of pocket.

Trying to work out when this weekend's ER visit will be. Eat sister time? Wait until the morning she leaves? Will I make it that long? Will Boxing Day morning be heavier traffic? Will I be past caring?

That took all of 10 minutes for him to open everything.

How are you doing with the change to your Christmas?

sara and jesse,

I've lost your new addresses. Please resend!