HOLY SHITBALLS.

So apparently Bruce Wayne watched S2 of Sherlock, AMIRITE?

Holy shitballs, as soon as Gordon said, "Bruce Wayne?" I realized what Batman was going to do and I started weeping like my dog died. I am not even joking. I had both hands over my mouth because the entire theater was dead silent and I was about to start HOWLING like a banshee.

It took me until the clerk (or whoever) said the pearls went missing to realize that no, of course the goddamn Batman didn't blow himself up.

YOU GUYS. I never saw Talia coming, even though the story of the kid who escaped from the prison didn't mesh with the incomplete story of how Bane got his mask in prison. Because I even thought, "Wait -- if Bane escaped as a kid, then how was he grievously injured and needed his mask?" And then more stuff happened and I forgot about it -- which was skillful storytelling.

HOLY SHITBALLS, Talia Al Ghul. I was even telling Tim just last night about her existence and how she knocked boots with Batman. And there she is.

Also, OH MY GOD, JGL. There is nothing about his character I didn't like. "Use your real name," indeed, OH MY GOD. I made flappy hands so hard that Tim had to grab my hands. But COME ON. How could I not?

The final shot of the movie rocked SO HARD I can't even tell you.

I'm just going to keep posting because I keep thinking of things.

I was really pleased by how much of No Man's Land was worked in. Because I love that story.

There is no way I can EVER see anything related to back trauma without losing my shit. I almost had to walk out of the theater -- not to leave, but to clear my head, seriously -- when the dude in the prison was all, "Oh, I'm just going to shove your vertebra BACK IN YOUR SPINE and then you can hang here for a while." NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. (That is a non-spoilery, non-Batman GIF.)

That said, the actual breaking of Batman's back didn't bother me, because I read Knightfall and was waiting for it to happen. (I wasn't spoiled; I just assumed that any story with Bane would involve breaking Batman's back. I just didn't know how.)

Oh my god, I am so happy I wasn't spoiled for this movie. It wasn't what I expected, in a LOT of ways, but it really pleased me.

I had a crazy moment of "Who IS that actor?!?" with the sidekick to Daggett (the sidekick being the one who Catwoman sold Bruce Wayne's fingerprints to). Every time he was onscreen, I was like "I KNOW him from something, but what? Not Buffy, not Angel -- WHAT?!?" I had to look him up on IMDB when we go home -- he's goddamn Owen from Torchwood. Good Lord.

Also, I said in an earlier post that I feel like Batman Begins was really Jim Gordon's story, and The Dark Knight was Harvey Dent's story, and -- the final shot and the "Robin" bit aside -- I feel like Dark Knight Rises was really John Blake's story.

The final shot of the movie rocked SO HARD I can't even tell you.

I knoooooooow. I was waiting for Blake to tell Gordon that he was going to Bludhaven, and then I thought maybe his real name was Tim Drake, but then it was ROBIN because audiences don't know anything BUT I WILL TAKE IT.

HOLY SHITBALLS

RIGHT. The entire fucking audience gasped at that, and, like ita !, I was like FOR FUCK'S SAKE BASICALLY EVERYONE ASSUMED SHE WAS PLAYING TALIA FROM THE MOMENT SHE WAS CAST. It helped me get over the "Why did Nolan give Marion Cotillard a lame, damsel-in-distress character?" feeling I was having, like, ten minutes before.

So I did not like The Dark Knight Verbs as much as The Dark Knight Is a Noun, and I'm still not sure how much I liked it at all. I may like it more as a conclusion to the trilogy than on its own.

Anne Hathaway was goddamn fantastic, especially in the early scenes when she switches between badass and helpless victim. And, yes, Debet, I did get the implication that she was With that friend of hers for a bit.

OMG THE FUCKING BATCYCLE BLEW ALL OUR MINDS I WANT ONE. I...I don't even know how it does that crazy wheel-turny thing but WHATEVER PHYSICS.

So glad I wasn't spoiled for Liam Neeson and Cillian Murphy!

I loved that they used the iconic back-breaking shot. I didn't know whether they would go there, but...you know what, one reason I'm unsure about this movie is that it seems like there's very little Batman in comparison to the other two movies. It's very focused on Bruce Wayne. Which is interesting and I respect it while at the same time maybe wanting something else. Despite the fact that I even thought, "Wow, they are telling a really good story about Bruce Wayne, and I don't normally see that."

So can anyone explain how Bruce survived? When did he bail out? What was that scene about Bruce Wayne having checked something out six months ago?

Apparently Bruce Wayne did a software patch 6 months before the big kasplodey. I don't totally get what that means, though. We saw him in the Batplane when the clock had 5 seconds on it. (I assume we saw him, since I was weeping like someone stole my pickup truck. WEEPING.) Like, maybe the software patch meant that the bomb would explode but not in a nuclear way? But I still have no idea when and where Batman bailed out. Maybe Aquaman helped him.

I had no idea when Marion Cotillard was cast she would be Talia. I was like, okay, another female character. That's cool. I really truly didn't see it coming until she actually said, No, jackass, Ra's Al Ghul had a *daughter.* And then I remembered that I read the comics.

P-C, you're right; it's not a very Batman-y Batman movie. And I'm okay with that.

Oh, seriously, Jonathan Crane popping up was AWESOME.

Oh my god, I am meeting Buffistas for lunch in 8 hours. I have to go to bed.

BATMAAAAAAAAAAAN.

AWESOME.

I do wish he'd been a little more Crane-y. Like, there didn't seem to be a reason for that role to be his at all. Until Gordon called him Crane, I wasn't even certain it was really supposed to be him.

We totally saw him in the damn thing with 5 seconds left! I assume the software patch was the auto-pilot fix, so that makes sense, but...that was one hell of a five-second bailout, I guess.

Oh! The software patch was for the auto-pilot! I hadn't realized it wasn't working. But no, Batman and Lucius even had the conversation that the auto-pilot wasn't working. Durrrr.

But yeah, that would be one hell of a 5-second bailout. But he's the goddamn Batman.

I would have paid extra money to have a post-credit scene of Batman and Catwoman eating shawarma.

And Bane is looking at them all disgruntled because he can't eat anything through his damn mask.