The hairdresser put a lot more layers in my hair than usual. I do like how it looks, but it's all confusing!

Oneida Community = fascinating. Thanks Jessica, I had never heard of them before.

The Oneida Mansion House is still pretty fascinating. [link]

a lot of academics is get people information unless there is a reason why not

I'm a little bit worried about the academic boycott on Israel. Don't know who's in it and which universities (though it's safe to say that about half of the universities in England are in it).

And now. Can I please kill and torture the guy that invented mornings?

Also, omnis, what people said here: go and have the date in her place.

Also, I can't understand to the point of being angry with LDS. Jew were murdered because they were Jews. Why can't they respect personal choices? If I wanted to convert, I would have done so.

Vortex, do you think maybe, given how close you were with your Dad, that you remind her more of him than any other family member?

I don't think that's it. She would like my brother to take care of her, but she feels like he takes care of his wife, not her (shocking, I know).

But my feeling is that there will be some useful strategies for dealing with this form of manipulation, and for not taking up the burdon of toxic guilt that is being laid out so grandly for your shoulders, in the coping skills that are taught to codependents.

No offense taken, love. You might be right. One of the biggest problem with dealing with my mother is that she has no empathy. She honestly doesn't get that people feel differently about things that she does. Or if she understands that they feel differently, she thinks that they're wrong. We joke that she needs therapy but it wont do any good becuase she won't believe that the therapist knows more than she does.

I wish I had some advice that worked,

move 280 miles away? :)

If your mother choses to only connect with you, and then says that the connection is insufficient, she's choosing to engage in a relationship that makes her unhappy.

yes, and she responds to that by trying to make me unhappy.

And he wasn't even being a jerk about it, just needy.

I have the joy of both! I don't do needy. I dislike needy people. To clarify, there is a vast difference between needing help and being needy.

Basically the Oneida family patriarch believed that sex was holy and you should have as much of it as possible, but orgasms and marriage were evil.

Wait, so you can have all the sex you want but no orgasm? That's worse than no sex at all!!

I do like how it looks, but it's all confusing!

hil, you need to post some pics, so that we can give the traditional buffista greeting.

Did you know that the Oneida silverware company started out as a freaky Christian sex cult in upstate NY?

Amana appliances started out from a Utopian commune that held all property in common. The Amana Society started out because they thought the Catholics were doing it wrong, then were kicked out of Germany because the Lutherans thought they were doing it wrong.

Also, I can't understand to the point of being angry with LDS. Jew were murdered because they were Jews. Why can't they respect personal choices? If I wanted to convert, I would have done so.

Well, they believe that the after-death baptism is optional for the person baptized -- the dead person, in the afterlife, can decide whether or not to accept it, and what they're doing is giving them the chance.

hil, you need to post some pics, so that we can give the traditional buffista greeting.

Hee. Does it still count as the traditional buffista greeting if it's online?

We haven't had a DCista get-together in a while.

move 280 miles away? :)

A valid and healthy strategy, as far as I'm concerned. Living in another time zone has vastly improved my relationship with my mother.

One of the biggest problem with dealing with my mother is that she has no empathy. She honestly doesn't get that people feel differently about things that she does. Or if she understands that they feel differently, she thinks that they're wrong. We joke that she needs therapy but it wont do any good because she won't believe that the therapist knows more than she does.

Your mother's insecurities and neediness and manipulations - these problems are all external to you. You cannot fix them or her. You cannot change her. The only thing left is to learn how to keep it from oozing into you, and how to take up as little guilt as possible. You have the right to set and enforce your boundaries. You are not obligated by any sane definition of filial duty to allow your mother to remove your boundaries for her own convenience. Remember Cordelia (not Chase but rather Lear's daughter) - in a way, your mother is asking you to declare a false allegiance to her beyond all reason and right because the excessive indulgence of the false is easier and more distracting than dealing directly with the pain of loss and the stress of the changes that must be made in her mental and social landscape.

Remember Cordelia (not Chase but rather Lear's daughter)

I love that we need to clarify this :)

in a way, your mother is asking you to declare a false allegiance to her beyond all reason and right because the excessive indulgence of the false is easier and more distracting than dealing directly with the pain of loss and the stress of the changes that must be made in her mental and social landscape.

yes, she can't blame my dad or God for her unhappiness, so she'll blame me.

I'm not saying everybody needs to believe in God, but if you're going to do it? DO it. Don't try and develop some sort of pocket-sized almighty that you can wrap your puny human brain around with ease.

This. SO this.

I had a very religious education, so everything was cloaked in Christianity. I keep learning things outside of that environment, and I am still being shocked by how different things actually are than they were presented to me.

Of course, I am currently in a VERY liberal learning environment, which some of my extended family is unpleased about. But, I'm so happy to get this opportunity. It gives me the chance to say, "Ok. I've seen both ends of the spectrum. What's *actually* going on?" It's a very powerful opportunity.