See that person waving from the next torture chamber? That's me.

Waving from across the hall.

Okay, I have to say: (1) I had no idea so many other people here have full-on, hyperventilating, weeping hysterically, trying-not-to-injure-oneself, absolutely-fucking-BROKEN panic attacks on a daily basis.

(2) How the FUCK do you all -- other daily full-on panic attack people -- deal with them and manage to hold down a full-time job? Or even get out of bed without losing your shit totally? Because I can't figure it out, and I'm tired of this happening every day. Especially before I've even had breakfast.

Seriously, are y'all as nonfunctional as I feel? Or am I just an exceptionally WEAK goddamn person? I mean, G_G, how in the hell do you teach and interact with hundreds of teenagers all day? I can't even talk to my boyfriend without losing my shit totally.

You know, all I'm doing is bitching. I'm going to take a break until I get my head on straight.

(This is not flouncing or goodbye cruel internets; it's me recognizing a pattern of whining and bitching and even if I *think* the interaction is helping me [which it probably isn't, because I cry harder every time I post], it's cannot possibly be doing anybody else any good, because oh my god, TIRESOME, she's posting about her panic attacks AGAIN and why doesn't she just get some goddamn drugs already?)

I don't think that isolating myself is the answer, but this continual whining isn't, either.

So, hopefully my doctor can come up with something that will fix me, and I'll be nicer to be around.

Tep, y'know we love you and just want you to do whatever it takes to feel better, right? And if that means venting and bitching or wrapping yourself in a blankie or whatever-- all we want is for you to feel better.

There are some pretty goddamn wide shoulders around here. Lots of leaning possibilities and it doesn't make you any less worthy or valid or strong for having to do a little leaning.

Thanks for the happy birthday wishes. I am being lazy this morning (although I did work out) and this afternoon I'm being lazier by having a facial and mani/pedi.

t gets on mom-voice

Tep, if it's causing you more upheaval and bad feelings to feel like you're "complaining" all the time, and you feel like a break is something you need, then so be it. (I do not use the quotes to diminish your feelings. I use the quotes as it was your word.) Take what you need for yourself to get to the place where you are not feeling so buried and overwhelmed. But please know that we love you and support you and absolutely do not want to you to stop talking to us about how you are or aren't handling things right now. You are an integral part of us and have contributed to the support and love of so many of us, that it's only fair that we do the same for you in your time of unsuredness.

We don't like seeing you unhappy and want to help in whatever way we can.

Happy Birthday, Sparky!

eta: What Aims and Barb said, Steph!

What they said, Steph. We like to know what's happening with you, but will understand if you need to take a break.

Happy birthday, Sparky!

As for you, Teppy - you do what you need to, to take care of yourself. If you find that bitching does help, then do it. If taking a break will help, do so knowing we love and care for you even when your pixels aren't widely available.

As for coping on a daily basis, I've only had a small handful of anxiety attacks in my life, enough to know how thankful I am that I do not have to deal with them daily. But my mother has had years of coping with that shit, and when she was really on top of it, she used to go to Recovery, Inc. meetings, where she learned a lot of useful coping skills. She taught me a couple. One was the saying "Feelings are not facts" - so, you can feel like you are going crazy, or dying, or totally losing your shit during an anxiety attack, and still remind yourself that it's just a feeling, that it is not true. I sometimes think of that skill as "mood surfing" - the mood is there to be ridden out rather than taken as gospel truth. Using the technique of reverse psychology on oneself might also be helpful, specifically when you feel you simply cannot get on with the daily activities of life such as hauling butt to work, you say, "Ok, if I don't want to go, I don't have to". Sometimes that eases up the pressure enough to make it more bearable to actually do it. I have no idea if any of these will help you, Teppy, but I thought I would put them out there just in case it might be of any use. At the very least, maybe they will show you that there are ways, so you can look for the ones that will work for you.

Happy birthday, Sparky!

For the record, I have never found Teppy to be tiresome about anything and her writing helped me admit the state I'm in. I suspect that I don't vent enough; I just sit alone in my black hole and gibber. Also, for some reason, I use a lot more semicolons.

Teppy, you're not tiresome. It just concerns me - and, I assume others - to hear that you're having such a hard time of it. We're here, we care, we want you to be happy. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and, if it includes posting here, do it.