my wicked past of self-described vanilla inclinations [which I really only claimed as a smokescreen because I was WAY too scared to even admit I was into this weird shit that involves getting flogged by a man in high heels and a leather corset].)

So you were already practicing? Or was this part of your transition and acceptance?

Oh, god no, I wasn't practicing. I was very very VERY interested (and had always harbored those inclinations -- or interests -- since practically the first moment I was aware of having sexual feelings; possibly even before then), and thanks to the wonders of Amazon.com, I had read a LOT.

But I was just too chickenshit to try to meet real! live! humans! who were also into that. True story: for at least 3-5 years before I ever joined the BDSM group, I knew they existed in my fair city, because I looked for info on Google; I was just far too scared to try.

Well too scared, and -- I was also in the Freak-Ass Church, who frowned on unmarried men and women having conversations by themselves, even if the conversations were on Godly Topics, because it could lead to "a false sense of closeness and create unhealthy expectations."

No, I'm serious about that.

So they wouldn't have looked too kindly on the whole kink thing. Plus, they didn't give us any free time anyway, so I wouldn't have had the time to check out the group even if I had been allowed to.

But that's best saved for another post. Or perhaps a book.

So (1) too scared to check out the real live perverts; (2) stuck in the joyless FAC; and (3) just too scared in general to admit what I wanted. I mean, my god, we're socialized in a world in which women are punished for being sexual in any way that doesn't fit a teeny tiny tightly proscribed role that the patriarchy deems serviceable. We *can* be sexual as long as it fits their definition. Any woman whose sexuality falls outside that stifling definition, and who OWNS that sexuality, gets punished.

So imagine where kink falls on the continuum of (1) "good girl" -- (2) "looks 'appropriately' sexy in the right setting, acts demure" -- (3) "looks 'appropriately' sexy in the right setting, acts demure in public, acts like a sexbot only for me" -- (4) "enjoys sex and admits it and acts how she likes, in public and in private."

Not even on the continuum. Because once you hit #4, the punishment (and I don't mean that as a joke about kink, ha ha, she said "punishment") starts.

The whole continuum of societally defined sexual behavior for women presupposes monogamous (or serially monogamous), generally vanilla sex. #4 starts to lean towards the kink thing -- although what I really mean by "enjoys sex and admits it and acts how she likes, in public and in private" still falls within the realm of generally vanilla sex, though possibly not monogamous.

Still #4 is where the "bad" behavior starts. And kink and polygamy and all other non-vanilla behaviors fall on the other side of that.

So the reason I couldn't even TALK about it, couldn't even admit an interest (much less a desire to DO these things), is because -- the bawdiness of Spike's Bitches notwithstanding -- I had YEARS of Catholic patriarchal teaching, followed by years of FAC patriarchal teaching all telling me that I shouldn't even be interested in vanilla sex, let alone anything that didn't involve a wedding band and one position only.

You can argue that I *shouldn't* have been that repressed, but -- fuck that. It is what it is. Society is not exactly fond of women who own their sexuality.

So there it is, in a long-winded fashion. I was never trying to "deceive" anyone, so I'm sorry people feel gullible. I wasn't trying to pull anything over on anyone -- I just. couldn't. talk. about. it. It wasn't intended to be deception.

I was never "secretly" kinky but running around posting about how I was vanilla, while thinking "Ha ha! Suckers!" Never.

It was a process of finally admitting what I wanted, and then trying to find it, and then feeling safe enough to talk about it. I would never call that deception; I'd call it someone going through some changes that are deeply, deeply deeply personal enough that they surely don't warrant running commentary.

Steph, somewhat relatedly, I promised you an e-mail with distress tolerance/mindfulness activities a few months back, and I never got it to you. I have it started and would love to spend some time today putting it together to e-mail you. Would you still be interested? It would actually be a good activity for me, based on how my last week or so has been.

It was a process of finally admitting what I wanted, and then trying to find it, and then feeling safe enough to talk about it.

That is what I'd thought, honestly. It seemed like a moment of self-growth.

Would you still be interested?

Very very VERY VERY much. The past 2 days have been exceedingly hard, and sometimes stabbing straight through my hand with a ballpoint pen sounded like the only way to make myself feel as bad physically as I did emotionally.

Uh, I didn't stab, of course; I'm not that strong. But I wanted to.

Ok. I just pulled up the file, and there is more there than I had remembered. I'm going to put some more specific ideas (rather than just concepts), though, that have worked for me. Look for it in a couple of hours.

And hang in there. I know it's scary. Trust me...I know it's scary. But, I'm proof that there's another side. And I know you know and have experienced that as well. But, sometimes we all need reminders (and I'm talking to myself here too!).

So there it is, in a long-winded fashion. I was never trying to "deceive" anyone, so I'm sorry people feel gullible. I wasn't trying to pull anything over on anyone -- I just. couldn't. talk. about. it. It wasn't intended to be deception.

Gosh, I hope I didn't come across as reproachful - I hadn't thought of it as deception, although I did initially think that maybe I was just dumb, and it was only me that didn't twig! (Which is more of a 'Wow. I'm dumb' reflex, rather than a 'Teppy is a deceitful deceiver!' reflex.) However, I totally see how it is A Very Honking Big Deal (especially what with the Freak Ass Church, which I don't even begin to know how to talk about), and how we're talking about steps of a journey, personal growth & sense of self-acceptance and all that good stuff.

I didn't mean to sound critical, or imply that anyone SHOULD just magically be hangup free and talking openly about their kinks (because I think that the universe, once it had finished laughing, would smite me for hypocricy for that one); only that I tend to take things at face value here, I think. I'm great at subtext when it involves a TV show and some hot boys who may or may not be getting naked offstage, but maybe not so good at subtext when it's jumping up and down in front of me with real people. Um. (Why no, I wasn't in love with a closeted gay boy for years*, no siree bob, not me.)

Aaaanyway - as ever, I'm just impressed as all hell at your cojones, and thoroughly enjoying living life vicariously through you. You're one of my heroes.

(*because, yes, I really was determined to be a fat chick cliche. Oh yes. Le sigh.)

Steph, you've got e-mail.

Teppy, I'm glad the anxiety attack has passed and you managed to have some fun.

Also, I have to say I love how much everyone takes care of each other here.

FINALLY caught up with Bitches.

And there's just so many hugs to deliver.

First, {{{Stpeh}}}. I'm so, so, so sorry for all the shit you've been going through. And please, by all means, use guilt on your father. Take it from the Jewish girl, for it seems to me like he's been using guilt on you. And listen to what everyone else said here, they are bright and right.

Also, if I may say - I'm quite wowed by your courage, and I think you're a very brave person. It had been said to me by friends tons of time that I'm decisive, knowing-what-I-want-and-going-for-it person, but that's only because I hate the "what if?" paranoias with every fiber of my being, and I also not great with cutting myself some slack. If there's a situation I know I'm not gonna handle for a while, and all I'm gonna do is feeling sorry for myself (HATE that feeling too, so much), I simply doing other stuff and ignoring it until I'll be ready to deal with it. All that means to say that I admire the way you described your sexual hesitations and the road you had to go through: It's clear to me it might not have been that-self-conscious ups-and-downs process, but nevertheless, wow.

Second, {{{Laga}}}, darling. My heart goes out for you and your family. Please do whatever it takes to feel more comfortable in this situation. I'm so sorry.

And yay Suzi!

And Trudy, great news.

Also, I must say that the main reason for me catching up with Bitches today and not tomorrow is waiting to read omnis' news about the forthcoming hot date. So, whenever that might happen... staring at a wall clock.

All I can picture is Shir, holding an M-16 and impatiently tapping her foot.