I'm in tears. This is stupid. I just don't get my brother sometimes. He just doesn't get it. I love him, but he just doesn't get it.

You know, my boyfriend's family found out this week (at Rash Hashanah dinner) that I'm on Medicare and Medicaid, and they didn't bat an eye. But my brother gives me shit and spreads incorrect shit about "handouts." I could kill him.

I didn't understand how bad insomnia could be until mine escalated about 15 years ago. The one strange benefit of chemo was that, except for exciting bone pain days, I lay down and fell asleep. I even napped, something I've never been able to do.

It used to be that once I finally fell asleep, I'd stay asleep, but since moved from tamoxifen to another hormone-suppressing drug a couple of months ago, I keep waking up a 4.

Thanks, Jilli. Your question allowed me to articulate some frustration. I feel like a junkie, talking about Ambien; it's gotten to the point where I'm thinking about switching Targets because I call them to see when I can get it -- 24th? 25th? please god, I haven't slept for more than 10 hours this week -- refilled, because it's a controlled substance, and you can't get more than a 30 day supply without specific dr. orders or something.

It's not a fun drug; I don't party with it. I don't take it during the day. I take it from 9 p.m. to 10:30 pm and I am tucked peacefully in bed by 11:30. But without it, I don't sleep. I am sobbing as I stare at the clock. 2, 3, 4, 5.

The most depressing time of the morning is 5:55 am, because that's when I would relaize no matter if I fell asleep RIGHT NOW, I would get the at the most 1 hour of sleep before I had to leave the house for work.

I've done without it for a couple of months, and those were months when I grew so depressed I thought I might die.

So, yeah, I just want to find a doctor that gets this, and doesn't make me feel like some kind of hands-out hypehead for asking for an increase in a medication dosage after 5 years of usage, a dosage that alleviates my condition and doesn't cause me any adverse side effects.

ARGH. It's so annoying. The problem is fixable; can't I just have someone pound the fucking nail in for me?

VW, some people just don't have the ability to put themselves in someone else's place. Has your bro ever had any kind of serious problem? Has he ever dealt with anything remotely like what you have had to deal with?

I hate it when people are so unrealistic about problems they've never come close to facing. They're all "Bootstraps! Just do it!" and your like "Dude. Bootstraps? I don't have FUCKING FEET."

I would have nothing constructive or kind to say to your brother either, vw.

I have a long rant about how this country's obsession with drug addiction keeps people from getting the medication they need to live semi-normal lives. The U.S. notoriously under-medicates people in chronic pain because of that. Let's see: leading a productive life even though you have to take an escalating amount of pain medication or screaming in pain and living on disability. Generally, American medicine picks the latter. If you have a doctor who actually treats your pain, the odds are the government will flag your file or his and accuse you of dealing.

This is related to my personal rant about being treated like a junkie when I just want to stop coughing for a few days.

There was an OTC drug back in the early '80s called Cope. I don't know what it is, and it's too common a name to use the Google-fu on, but that was some damned fine stuff. The only thing that would knock down the neuralgia.

It's asprin and caffine

BEHOLD MY MAD GOOGLE-FU

[link] [link]

God, I'm so glad you wrote that, Ginger, cause after I hit post, I was like, wow, they're all going to think I'm so deluded and addicted.

BEHOLD MY MAD GOOGLE-FU

I bow before the awesomeness that is the Trudy. Go to bed, already!

I'm running low on Ambien and don't have my new health insurance yet!

I'm just happy you can still get the drug.