S was worse today. Not physically, but mentally. More locked into the hallucinatory world. It's tearing me up to have to watch all this. To know that she's lost in her own head. I just want to make it all stop and bring her back to reality, but I'm just so fucking helpless to do anything. And I'm all fucked up about leaving her there all alone in that horrible room so much of the time.

I've spent much of the last two days sobbing uncontrollably.

And I'm all tucked up about leaving her there all alone in that horrible room so much of the time.

Yeah, but I'm not sure you're helping her much if she's hallucinating that much. I'm not saying ditch her, but it's probably costing you more than it's helping her to be there so much. Be there when she's coherent and coming out of the infection. Because...

I've spent much of the last two days sobbing uncontrollably.

You're just making yourself suffer right now.

Oh, man, Sean. That is so tough. I can't even imagine, really. Geez. But, really, what CAN you do? And, is there, like, anyone you can talk to about this??? I mean, a hospital social worker or anyone? Emergency therapist? Eesh.

And hugs to Shir too. Eeep.

And now I feel like coming in and posting about the ridiculous drama and entertainment and OMG makingout and lesbolicious loucheness of my Saturday night out would perhaps be in poor taste. Er. But let's just say there was quite a bit of dancing, making out (um. I kissed obviously my N, who I've been with for weeks now. I kissed the girl who I'd gone on the coffee date earlier in the day with, who showed up there and proceeded to appear to have had a much better time at coffee than I'd thought. And I made out with J for half a second, after I demanded that J repeat makign out with N, because I missed seeing that while I was making out with Coffee Girl. Ahem.) Anyway. It was an interesting evening.

We'll see how it all turns out.

::snuggles the Sean::

There's no easy options here, Baby. Even in a clear-cut relationship (such as, dude, my MOM) sometimes you need to back off and give yourself some breath during a long illness with no end in sight. Sometimes that's harder than being there. Just keep your head above water.

What Hec said. If she doesn't really know you're there, it's not helping to witness everything. When she's back to herself, she may take comfort knowing you didn't see everything. Our love keeps us at their sides, but their love wants to spare us as well.

{{{{{Sean}}}}

If she doesn't really know you're there, it's not helping to witness everything. When she's back to herself, she may take comfort knowing you didn't see everything. Our love keeps us at their sides, but their love wants to spare us as well.

This. So much this. I know that S. would not want you to be suffering like this, Sean. If she knew you were there, that would be one thing, but like Hec said:

You're just making yourself suffer right now.

You can call and check in with the nurse to see if she's having a lucid period and visit her then, but I don't see what sitting next to her and watching her go through this is doing for either of you right now.

{{{{{Sean}}}}}

Honey, I think you need at least 24 hours away right now. Time to sleep, play dumb video games, read a book, or walk by the ocean. Time to give your heart a break and regain a little strength.

{{{Sean}}}}

Even in a clear-cut relationship (such as, dude, my MOM) sometimes you need to back off and give yourself some breath during a long illness with no end in sight. Sometimes that's harder than being there. Just keep your head above water.

Trudy is wise.

My dad has mentally deteriorated in the 4 years (!) since his first stroke. While he had moments of confusion at the beginning, he now has moments of clarity.

The hardest things for my mom (being the primary caregiver) have been doing things for herself. Putting my dad in a nursing home just about killed her, but she would have literally worked herself to death if she hadn't. He now considers the nursing home "home" and feels safer there.

She has a hard time not going to visit him and sit with him every single day. But, she needs to get away and do things for herself, too. Even if it's just sleep in and recoup. She feels guilty not being with him.

But, in all honesty, my dad's sense of time is not even close to being real, and he doesn't know when she's been there and when she hasn't. She can tell him he was there yesterday when she wasn't and he doesn't know any different.

All of this doesn't make her feel any less guilty for not visiting him every day.

I guess what I'm getting at is that the situation sucks. Feeling guilty for not being with her is totally understandable and normal. But, you need to engage for some self-care, too, or you won't be any good to anyone.

Oh Sean. At sometimes its more painful to be AWAY even when she's not lucid. I understand that. Sometimes its more painful to be there. It's really really ok for you to come from the logic of "which is going to hurt less right. this. minute." and then do that.

::keeps snuggling sean::

I guess what I'm getting at is that the situation sucks. Feeling guilty for not being with her is totally understandable and normal. But, you need to engage for some self-care, too, or you won't be any good to anyone.

Points upwards.

If you burn yourself out now, you're not going to be able to be when she *is* back to lucid. You need to set limits on yourself right now to force yourself to recharge.