The empty apartment has finally gotten to me, combined with the dread of what the next month or two will bring.

BRACKET HUGS TO YOU.

I think I am a size 12. Could be less if I could be more active, but size 2's are little tiny elf-people.I could never be that. But of course, I still have BIDs from people starting conversations with "Hi...what's wrong with you?" my whole life. Deena, thanks and don't worry about it. I had a lot of computer weirdness this summer, as you know.

Poking my head in briefly because I hate to infect anyone with my particular brand of snarly doom and gloom, but WRT the size thing, I'm just over 5'2" and right now, I'm at 160 and wearing a size 6 or 8, depending on the cut of the clothes. Fifteen pounds less, where I'm far more comfortable, I wear a size 4 pretty easily. I'm like juliana in that I have a wide as hell frame, with big hips and wide linebacker shoulders.

When I weighed 250, I wore a size 24. I'm not one of those people who's meant to carry that much weight. Probably a big reason why, when I decided I needed to lose the weight, a great deal of it came off fairly easy.

The fifteen pounds I've put on in the last year are a lot harder to lose than the first fifteen from when I weighed 250.

{{{{{Sean}}}}}}

{{{{Ginger}}}}} You are beautiful, and what a sense of style you have. If I didn't say it at the time, I adored your gorgeous frilly blouse at the Prom. I think maybe I didn't because I was too drunk to say it without the envy leaking into what I would say.

{{{{{everyone else, because now I'm still crying but for an entirely different reason than before.}}}}}

I spent the thinnest years of my life believing I was a fat cow.

Yep, same here. I was thin enough that my parents routinely would invite me home for dinner so they could make sure I was eating. Friends who have seen the photos from that era are all VERY EMPHATIC that I should never be that weight again.

I'm 5'4", 166-7(ish)lbs, and somewhere between a size 12 and 14. I'd like to get down to 160, but if I don't, I won't beat myself up agout it. Do the Body Image Demons still stage surprise performances of their greatest hits? Of course they do. But I'm getting better at ignoring them.

Twisted as it is, I'm often really glad I've NEVER been thin. So SHE (that I-was-so-thin-back-at-such-and-such chick) doesn't haunt me. I'm about the same size I was in high school. I did have a few years right after high school that I was below 200 lbs. (at barely 5'3"), and I wouldn't mind going back. But I've never been thin, so I have no idea what I'm missing, and I think I'm better off.

I spent the thinnest years of my life believing I was a fat cow.

Me too!

Completely ridiculous, isn't it?

I don't beat myself up about it, but I do miss the simplicity of being 5'8", size 8, and size 8 shoes.

And how much of that "believing I was a fat cow" was from outside sources? My mother put me on a diet - cottage cheese and salads - when I was 12, and constantly harped on how fat I was. At the time I was 5'6" and 128. I recently figured out that it wasn't the flesh she object to as much as the frame - I'm tall (I eventually hit 5'9"), wide shoulders, heavy bones; there is no way I'd ever hit the willowy, fragile look that she felt was appropriate. So ... I've shrunk a bit with age and I'm currently about 210. I'd like to weigh less, but I'm not going to punish myself to achieve some nebulous goal. I'm healthy. I've made the trade-off of not abusing my body to try to achieve some ideal.

and, may I suggest that for those of you with "Things to do when I've lost X pounds" cross out the last five words and start on that list.

I spent the thinnest years of my life believing I was a fat cow.

I don't think I thought I was a cow, but I certainly didn't appreciate how thin I was. Not that I was ever thin , but not overweight. I was hung up on the numbers. I'm 5'10 with muscles and boobs (great boobs, I may add ;), I'm never going to be a single digit size. I'm okay with that.