Barb I totally get how you feel. Because what you have been subjected to accidentally is something that used to be used deliberately as a form of psychological torture. Well before your time, there was something called the McCarthy era when communists and lefties and liberals and people suspected of being the aforementioned were put on blacklists and denied work. And a lot of time they did not know for sure they were on such lists. So even when they suspected they were (and some of the more naive did not suspect) they did not know for sure. And almost always some part of them figured it was their fault. They just were not doing the job right, or they were not making a good impression in interviews. They were doing something wrong. Now you are not being targeted directly. But the process you describe is pretty obviously driven by corporate politics, and has nothing to do with the quality of your work. At worst you gave them what they asked for rather than what they wanted, failed to read minds. But most likely nothing you could have done would have satisfied, because there were conflicting requirements and everytime you met one it automatically contradicted another. And that totally feels like you did something wrong. Basically corporate infighting is doing to you the same thing that was deliberately inflicted to break people. I know that doesn't make it all better. But maybe that perspective can turn a tiny portion of the self-doubt into healthy rage.

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Typo, I'm well familiar with the McCarthy-era blacklisting. (Big ol' history geek here.) but I will admit that I hadn't thought about it in this context.

Normally, I would've progressed on into rage without too much delay. I have a fairly decent ego and a healthy perspective about my talent and those who know me know I have a work ethic that even goes beyond ego and any talent I might possess because I have a firm belief in there's no such thing as "perfect" just improving.

But, again, as those who've known me for the last couple of years can tell you, it's been a very rough year for me with respect to publishing-- another manuscript, one of my adult manuscripts-- went through the submissions rounds and suffered the most ridiculous range of rejections one could even begin to imagine. Which... you put it on paper and lay it out like that, I know would make someone who's not familiar with the situation wonder, "Well, is she as good as she thinks she is?"

Honestly? Who knows anymore. But I can tell you that the rejections I received on Breathe all read something along the lines of "Wow, she can write, she can craft a story, but..." and thing is, the "but" was never the same from one rejection to the next, not only making it difficult for me to hone in on anything I could improve in the manuscript to make it more sellable, but highlighting just how freakin' subjective this industry is.

The one thing I've held onto throughout this whole wretched process was that I had this young adult novel that my editor loved, that was a story I loved, that was proof I was doing something right.

And now this.

I'm trying to keep things in perspective. I really am. But right now, curling up and pulling the covers over my head is sounding really freakin' good.

Sorry about the < mememe>-ness of this all guys. I'll try to shut up now.

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Don't shut up if talking helps. What you are feeling it totally natural. Self-expression is not whining. And knowing where a feeling comes from does not make it go away.

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{{{{Nora and Tom}}}} That just fucking sucks. All kinds of job~ma to Tom.

{{{Barb}}} I know nothing about publishing fiction except that the business is obviously stoopid.

and the laces are wrapped around her waist.

I do wrap my laces around my waist. It's easier to tie/untie when you're doing it by yourself. Most reenactors do that. Of course, we wear our corsets under other clothes, so you don't actually see them.

IOmememeN, I got my hair cut today and totally needed it. Hadn't had it cut since May. And, I decided to do something diff. with my color, so I've got a white blonde star on the top. Looks like I'm wearing a little cap. I kinda dig it. Pictures start here: [link]

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And did not mean to patronize about McCarthy era. My parents were victims as were a lot of their friends so I heard a lot of first hand stories. And I've learned not assume knowledge. But one thing even people who have studied it often forget is that it was not just actors and writers and so on. Teachers,defense plant workers, ordinary people of every sort. There were little McCarthys and little blacklists in every state. But if the comparison is not helping I'll be the one to shut up. I just wanted to emphasize that no one could expect you to walk it off: what you are going through is seriously traumatic; I'm sure you will deal with it. You come across as an extremely strong person. But if it is tough deal with, it is because what you are dealing with is tough for anyone - tough enough to have once been used as deliberate psychological warfare. So, on top of dealing with it, you don't have to feel bad that dealing with it is hard work. It would be hard for anyone, no matter how healthy their ego.

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Nah, you didn't come across as patronizing at all-- more me thinking, "Hm, hadn't thought about it quite like that."

So, on top of dealing with it, you don't have to feel bad that dealing with it is hard work. It would be hard for anyone, no matter how healthy their ego.

This actually made me smile.

And Chi, I loved the shot of your hair from the top. Very cool.

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I love ChiKat's hair.

I don't love Barb being tormented by editors and publishers.

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cool hair ChiKat!.

I am sorry to hear the world of publishing is being so arbitrary , Barb.

about 16 more inches of floor put down tonight

ETA: the letter 'r' which is misbehaving on my keyboard

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Oh Barb, I'm sorry, what craptastic news. And craptastic news for Nora and Tom as well.

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I can't wait until work gets to the point where I can read during the day. So a bit of a Meara here:

PixK, have a blast scubaing! Very proud of you for over coming fear of drowning. It's something I've thought of before, but still too scared. So scuba some for me, k?

OH SHIT, y'all.

Tom just got laid off.

Oh dear. I'm glad there was a nice severance package. I really hope that this door closing is opening a window with beautiful fresh air. A ton of job~ma for you and Tom.

"yes! I remember you" we chatted about the new job, he said "I don't remember your resume as well, but from personality, you'd be great" So, I'm going to apply. Not exactly what I want to do, but decently close. And, gets me back into the law school arena.

Good luck Vortex! If nothing else, use it as a warm-up job app process.

In totally unrelated news, I just got two new cookbooks and I'm dying to cook, but I want to cook in large numbers.

Who wants to visit so I can cook?

:: looks at Buffista map to figure out is it plane, train, or automobile to taste yummies ::

So, instead of doing work at home this evening, I baked cookies. Granted, not from scratch. I got a tub of Toll House cookie dough, and baked them up. But, it was a nice test for my oven (which isn't bad for baking!), and will be warmly welcomed (hopefully) at work tomorrow. and the first batch was over-sized and undercooked. Gosh darn, I got a plate full of cookie dough mush.

Since y'all had Pervy Olympic Observations re: divers. My P.O.O. is watching the ladies softball, thinking "these gals would be great for a Playboy spread. You got petite types, curvy types, short & tall, and all have good muscle tone. Win win win for everyone!"

Also, in regards to the fab USA mens relay swim last night, we coined a phrase at work. "S/he pulled a France". Example Usage: "What happened with Joe last night at the bar? I thought he was making good progress on that hot lifeguard" "ya, he was doing great, but then he pulled a France, and came up short. I think he started talking about his ex or something". The one of the office guys came up with a far funnier example, but I can't recall it right now.

MM & Empress, did I miss the result of the new carness?

There was more. Alas. Not enough time or memory.

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