I think that expecting the person to figure it out can create a lot of stress and pressure, and implies that if you *can't* figure it out, you aren't really a good friend/don't REALLY love your spouse/etc.

I do get that, but at the same time I really don't want anything, and I tell them so. Or I tell people who push it to take me out to dinner sometime, or come hang out, or otherwise spend time. And failing that, "oh, any old thing". I feel fairly self-conscious at people giving me things at all, and positively horrified at the thought that they did so because they feel like they're obligated to.

When I say "it feels like a shopping list" I don't mean "they're making me do the work". I mean "I feel like I'm using them like a servant". And I've learned to be pretty point blank about saying that if I say I don't want anything, I'm not playing the coy "you have to guess the perfect thing" game.

If someone wants to, spontaneously, because it's Tuesday? Awesome. I love to do that too, and I have huge gratitude for people who do it. But Christmas and birthdays and especially Valentines and anniversaries and such, I have Teh Issues about anyone getting me anything because some rule outside of our relationship says they're supposed to, so they must not really want to.

but at the same time I really don't want anything, and I tell them so.

To be fair, I wasn't talking about people like you. I didn't mean people who truly don't want anything and aren't just playing a mindfuck.

I meant people who dislike being asked what they want, because that means the other person doesn't know you well enough to find a gift that suits you to a T and captures the essence of your relationship and commemorates whatever holiday it also happens to be.

Seriously, there's a reason Amazon has wish lists.

for the people who don't want to be asked what you want as a gift, how do you respond when someone asks you what you want?

I tell them the first thing comes to mind. I want a lot of things, it's fairly easy.

But I'm being about this subject not only because I have so to speak rules about it. I mean, one day or another I get the stuff I want, if I'll still want them by then.

It's the people's company that I cherish and want most of all. Not the presents. That's a minor.

how do you feel about monetary gifts?

That's what my parents do. It's cool, but I can't get away with doing the same in return and they are hard to shop for.

Gotcha, Tep. Since I'd just answered in that vein, I kinda kept on going. My issues, let me show you them!

I think we're in agreement that Mindfuckery? Bad.

And a follow-up question for the people who don't like being asked what they want for a present: how do you feel about monetary gifts?

My parents will sometimes give me money that's designated for a present and I'm grateful for it, for sure! but also I end up feeling like I should spend it on something practical. Like the mortgage.

I'm really grateful for any present!

It's cool, but I can't get away with doing the same in return and they are hard to shop for.

So do you ask them for a list?

I'm honestly very curious about this, because my family has always done lists, and no one has ever viewed it as "Since Dad gave me a list of what he wants, now it's an obligation and not an actual heartfelt gift."

Why is it any less heartfelt to give someone what they want? Does it mean I love my dad less because I ask him what he wants? I don't understand that.

I meant people who dislike being asked what they want, because that means the other person doesn't know you well enough to find a gift that suits you to a T and captures the essence of your relationship and commemorates whatever holiday it also happens to be.

Well I don't know anybody who'd describe themselves this way and I really don't think that's what I mean! I hope I'm not that person!

I usually tell people categories, when they ask -- I'm always happy with books, sometimes I want more jewelry, or towels, or something like that.

The people related to me are not familiar with the Amazon Wish List.

Why is it any less heartfelt to give someone what they want? Does it mean I love my dad less because I ask him what he wants? I don't understand that.

Is that what you thought I meant?