Like, if we sold 1000 shares next Tuesday, I'd have cash in our accounts to pay off our debts by Friday. Turns out it can be up to two weeks. Who knew? Not me, that's for sure. And I still don't understand why it takes so long.

That sounds like bank bullshit -- like how they don't clear deposited checks for weeks now if they don't feel like it. It should be fast.

This may be more basic and less nuts and bolts than you're looking for, but a lot of banks have general education type sites: [link]

But really, it sounds like these are things you should make your broker answer.

There are also books like this one [link] that may or may not be what you're looking for, but browsing that section of a bookstore or library might be a good place to start as well.

But don't let him divert you into a discussion of philosphy. Ask him to send you a written (Or emailed) statement as to when you can get your money and why it is taking so long. And if you have anything left over for investment after dept paying, deferred purchases and such you may want to consider a different broker who does not evade questions.

Brenda, I'm sorry about the puppy woes. Fast-healing~ma to her.

Well, I don't think he realized he was evading questions. He just interpreted my "How does all this work?" question differently than I meant it, and I was too embarrassed to ask because it made me feel stupid.

Really, I guess I should rehearse a speech along the lines of, "I didn't grow up doing this, because my family just didn't have that kind of money, and in my adult life up to now I haven't had the resources to invest outside of employer plans. So I need the nuts-and-bolts--how to sell, how long various transactions take to clear, how to access account information online, etc."

ETA thanks for the links, Jesse! That gives me a good place to start.

Susan, the turnaround time on the stock doesn't sound quite right to me. It should only take a few days, not up to two weeks, unless the bank has some screwy policy.

I tried to ask our broker, but he immediately went into questions about my investment philosophy and so on. Which is fine, and I can even talk about it with reasonable intelligence, because that's half money management, half macroeconomics--topics I understand. But I feel like someone who's just started a new job, and my boss is talking about the philosophy of the organization while I just want to know where to find the bathrooms and the cafeteria and how to get my email account set up.

This does not surprise me. The SEC has been leaning on the idea that brokers need to exercise shitloads of due diligence when it comes to making sure that their clients understand the investments they are making and why. He's probably made some note in his file that he discussed investment philosophy with you so his ass is covered in case you should ever come back with a complaint about him steering you in the wrong direction or some such.

Oh great. Guess where my dad is headed in three weeks? [link]

Susan, the turnaround time on the stock doesn't sound quite right to me. It should only take a few days, not up to two weeks, unless the bank has some screwy policy.

Well, he said a few days to a week was more typical, just that it could sometimes take longer to close or settle or something like that.

Susan, my brother is a financial planner (there in Seattle BTW) and I have an MBA in Finance. I still feel like an idiot sometimes with nuts and bolts questions like you are mentioning. So what I do instead of talking to my brother is to call his assistant. She is ridiculously helpful with those types of issues and doesn't think I'm an idiot when asking for step by step directions on how to roll over an IRA from a previous employer.

Maybe you are just talking to the wrong person when you should be talking to his assistant. They know everything.

Legalistas. I was considering buying SmartDraw when I ran into this showstopper in their license. "SmartDraw.com reserves the right to inspect your facilities, servers and computers to ensure that you are in full compliance with this License. You agree that SmartDraw.com has the right to access and inspect your facilities, servers and computers for the foregoing purpose, including by using remote software monitoring tools without further notice to you."

The only way I can read this is that they have the right to install spyware on your machine, in which case the answer is not just "no", but "hell no, you cocksuckers".