I got this as a comment on my blog. As a policy I don't think I'll approve it since the e-mail given is fakeEmail@hotmail.com though it is obviously not spam so I'm not entirely sure.
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(I am a super professional author of great renown. I have decided to edit the first few paragraphs of your first chapter, free of charge. This is a great honor I am bestowing upon you, and the only suitable response from your end is to make the necessary changes immediately. There is no need to thank me.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the other side of the wall, she could hear the ponderous footsteps of the creature's which had torn-apart at least a half-dozen capable soldiers: demons.
Aimee wasn't trained to fight demons. For that matter, she didn’t ever fight anything. She usually spent her days sitting at a workbench, painstakingly constructing the next device assigned to her. Yet she now found herself held still and silent in tense anticipation, heart thudding and sweat starting to drip off the tip of her nose as she watched the doorway ten feet ahead. The grisly remains of an Imperial Guardsmen lay just outside it, chest slashed open on the left side. A guilt tinged sense of relief washed through her when she realized the man was not her friend Curtis.
A hungry snuffling sounded from the next room, and Aimee crept toward the doorway. A heavy footstep sounded as the demon moved closer. In anxious response, she gripped the wooden handle of the device in her hand tight: a rune covered copper tube which represented five years of work for her. It was the most powerful magical artifact Aimee had ever Crafted. Of course, it had never been tested in the field. Until now.
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The hell?
I disagree with most of his changes, but a couple of his changes actually aren't all that bad.