Like a skeletal alien spider octopus woman thing that is threatening to envelop and devour you.

With teeth.

As long as it's comfy, I'm good.

And MM - of COURSE they have Internet. How else to take over the world?

Teeth in new places.

Did you know that in the middle ages, the Catholic church banned certain sexual positions?

The Holy Guide to Coital Positions

Somehow the human race survived the Middle Ages, no mean feat when you consider how much literature was out there condemning sex. Church thinkers like Saint Jerome announced that carnal relations were “filthy” even within the bounds of holy matrimony: “The wise man should love his wife with cool discretion,” Jerome opined, “not with hot desire… Nothing is nastier than to love your own wife as if she were your mistress.” Intercourse for procreation was tolerable, the holy fathers begrudgingly admitted, but anyone who indulged in sex because they were in love or seeking physical pleasure was on a fast track to damnation. In fact, this attitude eventually led the Church to legislate on the most intimate details of married life: In 1215, the cleric Johannes Teutonicus was the first to announce that there was only one “natural” coital position — what we today call “the missionary position,” a term that was coined in the 1960s — which was also optimal for conception. Attempting any other position was a mortal sin, Johannes opined, involving exotic and unnecessary forms of stimulation.

...

A consensus on the punishments included the following:

Dorsal sex (woman on top): three years
Lateral, seated, standing: 40 days
Coitus retro — rear entry: 40 days
Mutual masturbation: 30 days
Inter-femural sex — ejaculation between the legs: 40 days
Coitus in terga — anal sex: three years (with an adult); two years (with a boy); seven years (habitual); 10 years (with a cleric)

Wait. Woman on top is the only thing as bad as anal sex -- and anal with a boy is less bad than with an adult?!?!?

10 years (with a cleric)

This has me laughing so hard, I am going to hell! Going to hell! Also, didn't all the popes in the middle ages have, like, mistresses and children?

and anal with a boy is less bad than with an adult?!?!?

Remember, these rules were being written up by priests...

Like a skeletal alien spider octopus woman thing that is threatening to envelop and devour you.

Suh-weeeeeeeet!

t /Peter Griffin

Not terribly creative, those middle ages priests? So many practices left out....

Coitus in terga — anal sex: three years (with an adult); two years (with a boy); seven years (habitual); 10 years (with a cleric)

"Go you" party (with a nun); Awe and respect (with a Mother Superior); What the hell, dude? (with a hedgehog)

So, in seven years, gas might be $16 per gallon

I totally need to get a horse. And I guess my work building needs a stable.