I still don't know how to explain what ND does. Most of the time I just shrug and say, "Weird noises come out of his office."

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Oh, -t, I hate when that happens. I feel so sorry for the little things. The nasty window sure pulled a dirty trick on it.

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My career does not slot into the doctor, lawyer, used car salesman categories so folks just lock up

And even if you do have a career about which people have a clear-cut impression, ie. being a nurse, their impression is so unbelievably misguided and wrong that to explain the mistakes would take you days. No, I don't wear a little cap. No, I don't wear a little white dress. No, I don't simper and flirt with doctors. No, I don't follow them around with a clipboard writing down their every word and gazing adoringly at their broad, manly shoulders.

Nurses run rounds; the doctors are the ones who listen as we talk. We manage your labor; the doctors ask us what's going on and what should be done, not the other way around. We call the doctors to the room when we need them, and otherwise they stay out of our way and let us do our jobs.

We have an enormous amount of scientific knowledge and technical skills. We operate really complex machinery. We put things directly into your vein that could kill you if we're not careful. Conversely, we can literally save your life or your baby's life if we have to. And yet people STILL say, "Oh, how nice! You're a nurse! Have you met any handsome doctors?" when they hear what I do.

I love what I do with a passion I could never fully describe. But holy God, it's incredibly frustrating to have these conversations over and over again and realize how much further nursing has to go before people really understand what we do.

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But the truth, for me, all that concern about what others think is just a smokescreen. The person who is judging me is myself.

Yeah, there's that. And I know that. I really do know all this stuff. It's just I've had to learn it over time, and it tends to be the first thing that falls by the wayside under pressure.

I mean, right now I'm debating whether to go to work tomorrow, because I'm finally feeling better--as long as I don't try to actually exert myself. I mean, I've seriously barely eaten since I started feeling sick on Saturday. Today I had a small chicken sandwich for lunch, and that's the closest thing to a real meal I've had in three days. But I feel bad about missing three days of work, and how backed up things will be, and both going and staying home seem far more stress-making than they really should. Which is probably connected to the whole being sick/weakened thing. So checking my email and finding a payroll problem sent me into this whole spiral of "OMG how I hate my job and how I dread having to go back!" This with a side of self-blame ("You know, I never DID get the notice about that change that was supposed to happen--why didn't I think to follow up?") and contradictory annoyance at my coworker ("If your pay has been wrong since February, why the hell did you wait till the end of March and a financial crisis to TELL me?!").

And the whole place just hasn't been happy since the new director arrived, so I'm wondering if/when I decide to bail and look elsewhere. Because I'd finally found a place with a loose structure and laissez-faire chain of command--only to have someone come in within months trying to impose order and hierarchy on this lovely more-or-less functional chaos. Until she came along I was an authority--now I'm just under authority. And I really miss the autonomy I had when I started the job.

We get free career counseling at work--it's mostly designed for things like helping entry-level healthcare workers move into better positions through financial aid and job placement and the like, but I met with the counselor a week or two ago, and I think he views me as an interesting challenge. I think I'm going to take the time to do all the homework he wants to give me, with the goal of figuring out if there's a better compromise than the one I have now WRT meeting my financial needs while giving me time to write but still allowing me to be reasonably happy in my work.

It's just that right now I'm so. damned. tired. I'd love to take a day just to rest, and I'm tempted to do that tomorrow even if I'm mostly better, just to regroup before I go back in there.

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{{{{Jen}}}} As someone with several dedicated nurses in her extended family, I can't tell you how much I agree. Nursing is so important and so misunderstood.

I think people's general impression of what teachers do is similarly screwed up, but I think nurses get the worst rap of all.

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The nasty window sure pulled a dirty trick on it.

I know! I hear thumps at this window all the time - I don't know if they're trying to nest in the eaves or are hunting bugs or if the reflection is really deceptive or what, but it is apparently a hazard. They usually just shake it off and fly away, though. This one is still sitting where I left it, but at least it's upright.

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as long as I don't try to actually exert myself

Susan, dear, I'm looking at you sternly. Not on account of the "be a little nicer to yourself" business, as others have said it way better already. But this sounds like still sick, and taking an extra day to get yourself healthy will only help you in the longer term. For all values of "longer term" starting the day after tomorrow.

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A few years ago I had been feeling very dissatisfied with my life and felt unable to change it. I mean it wasn't bad, but it wasn't what I really wanted either.

I tried reframing how I looked at my life and that worked for a while, but then I started making small changes. I went back to school. I started stepping outside my comfort zone and trying new things.

Now - I finished my degree, I'm shifting into a new job, I'm moving to a new state, and I'm at the front end of a divorce. Oy and vey. Even with all this change, I am not expecting any of it to calm those inner voices that cast self doubt and make me worry what other people think.

To deal with that I try to remind myself that these ARE the choices I have made and if I don't like the results (notice, I'm talking about ME, not what others think) then it is up to me to change and make new choices.

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We manage your labor; the doctors ask us what's going on and what should be done, not the other way around. We call the doctors to the room when we need them, and otherwise they stay out of our way and let us do our jobs.

This is so true. With all three kids, my nurses were INCREDIBLE. And then the doctor shows up and sort of steals the glory, you know? (Which, okay, the guy who did the one C-section gets some credit, but whatever.)

And I'm so loopy and hormonal and exhausted after labor, I literally hugged them all.

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Susan, it sounds like you're on the right track by talking with the career counselor. I think you may need to seek some other kind of job that will make you feel more fulfilled regardless of what happens with your writing. It feels like you have been bouncing from one unfulfilling job to the next, and I suspect that a career shift might mitigate some of the other feelings you've been struggling with.

To deal with that I try to remind myself that these ARE the choices I have made and if I don't like the results (notice, I'm talking about ME, not what others think) then it is up to me to change and make new choices.

{{{Suzi}}} I give you so much kudos for taking charge of your life and doing what you need to do. I think back now to three years ago when I was about to ask for a divorce and move to CA. Man oh man, those were the hardest, most painful choices of my life, but I don't regret a single one of them. I just know that these changes are going to bring you the happiness you so richly deserve.

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