I updated my resume and sent it to Playboy! Go team.

I'd celebrate, but now I have to go to a meeting.

I'm trying to get on AIM...

Kat, they're right. Nobody says, "I'm so strong, all this shit is as nothing to me!" Strong doesn't feel strong, strong is just keeping on going when you want to quit and lie down forever. You say it's just that you have to because your family needs you, but there are plenty of people who just crumble under the weight of what's needed from them.

Seconding. A close friend of mine had a child die after a long fight with leukemia at 13. Soon after the child's diagnosis, my friend's (ex)husband took up cocaine and left the family (wife and 2 kids). He wouldn't even visit the kid in the hospital because it was "too much" for him. There are people who give up and people who find strength. My friend is an amazing person and I'm sure she wouldn't necessarily see that in herself. She is great fun, hysterically witty, kind, and open and living a full life, which is kind of amazing for someone who went through that kind of tragedy. She is kinda my hero.

It's not strong. It's life. I do what I have to do because I have to do it. Not because I choose to or because I want to.

Yeah, but like others said, you ARE strong. You were strong before all this, you are still strong now. And I'd also agree that doing what you have to because you have to--even seeing things in those terms--can take real strength. I know people say that life never hands you more than you can handle, but I disagree. I can think of lots of people that I *thought* were strong just up and refuse to deal with shit, even when that meant huge piles of crap falling all around them.

My huge piles of crap don't fall. They pile on each other and get huger. Didn't cry at Best Buy or Sephora, despite the memory card not working in my dumb phone and the Sephora lady making it look like I had glue on my face. Then spent an hour doing a breathing exercise which seems to be what therapy consists of.

I don't have much of a headache right now, and I hear that Noah's going to hug me. I will ignore my huge piles of crap for a few minutes more.

I came home with a noticeable headache, but the 8 hour object-oriented programming class resulted in real tangible knowledge, and went quite reasonably fast. Besides, it was inside and dry and warm, compared to where else I might have been. And due to "winning" a free lunch for the class by agreeing to sponsor a (very) short talk by a financial advisor, there was a good and yummy break in the middle.

I don't think my strength or willpower or whatever comes in small household size; it's only available when the shit hits the fan and industrial strength is called for. When Dad was in the hospital for a month and Mom was cracking under the pressure, I could step up and be a rock. When the issue at hand is something little like making myself get up early enough to jog before work, or getting an early start on all this packing, I completely wimp out.

In this, I am Matt. [feels self up. mmm] I can handle the apocalypse; it's the little-extra-push stuff that makes me wanna curl up under the covers and hope the brownies magically make it happen.

I think Noah hugs are a really good prescription.

Managed Target and the grocery store.

I have had pie! It was delicious apple pie. Tonight? More pie.

Also I scored a rare OOP CD that I wanted (Sugarpie Desanto. I wrote about her in LiTG but that was from the vinyl).