Oh my god, AI. I am so embarrassed for you. That opening was weak sauce.

And Kristy Lee in a cut out black top (BTW, more stripperware. Really?) and Luke Perry are not the two you want to start off featuring as "celebs" in the audience.

And, and, who let Paula have a bedazzler? And why?

Big David and Little David? Y'all, I don't think I can.

ETA: And they're really just gonna roll with the boxing analogy? Whyyyyyyy?

ETA Again: And why is ALW back? He was hardly the best guest mentor of the season. Where’s Dolly?

D’Archie is getting his ass handed to him on just ease and comfort level on stage.

Randy – Useless as usual. “Drop it hard?” What the fuck does that even mean? And he missed the memo that tonight’s theme was the sweet science.

Paula and Simon not much better.

D.Cook is really turning on the charm. If I didn’t already hate him enormously, I’d be really liking his personality right now a lot more than D’Archie.

I'm nodding at everything in your post, kat.

And I'll add, why does everyone choose such mature songs for Acheletta? They're much too old for him.

ETA: Not nodding at the hating of Cook. I really like him.

No more edits. On to the cereal posts!

Song One: Clive Davis' picks

Oh, look. It's the undead husk of Clive Davis. I see after last year’s anti-Kelly tirade, they’re not letting him speak extemporaneously. Good call.

I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For – D.Cook

Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me – D’Archie

Great songs, both. Actually, really good choices for both. I guess that’s why he’s a multimillionaire music mogul. Why he's so damn creepy is a whole 'nother story.

D.Cook

He’s in good voice tonight. Still sounds like whiny dorm rock, but I guess somebody’s got to provide the music for Gen Y’s Felicity moments. He’s no Bono, but then again who is? At least he’s on pitch. And the hair is better tonight. He’s decided to embrace the forehead and just make it work. Tyra did it, why can’t he? The beard is better, too. Makes the ginormous-ness of the head less alarming. So for him, I thought that was really good. Probably because he didn’t really do anything other than just sing the song straight.

D’Archie

Shaky start. He’s really dancing around the notes. ALW has some magical, eye opening powers, because every time D’Archie gets a treatment with him, he becomes much less squinty. Now that he’s in the belt-y part, he’s on firmer footing. He really has a beautiful voice. Once again, I’m 99.9% sure that he has no idea what he’s singing about. It’s like listening to a parrot speak. Words come out, but you can tell that there’s no comprehension. Paula paulaing is a fantastic thing. I am going to miss her nonsense. Also, Randy lies. The vocal early on was not on point. Simon lies as well.

Battle of the first songs goes to D.Cook. (I’ll be damned if I get hooked into the boxing crap they’re selling)

In commercials news: Beverly Hills Chihuahua? Who do they think is the target audience for this show?

Song Two

Dream Big – by Emily Shackelton(?) – D.Cook

In this Moment – By Ryan Gilmore(?) – D’Archie

Ok, ALW is crackin’ me up!! Are these the contest songs? I hope so, because I don’t know either one and they both sound like they suck ass. And since when do they get to choose which song they sing? And since when do they not have to sing the same craptastic song? Oh, hell to the naw!

D.Cook

Ah, here’s the D.Cook I know and loathe. Whiny, thin voice? Check. Nasal as hell? Check. Generic bar band rock sound? Check. Fuckin’ dog tags and leather jacket? Check. Oh, D.Cook. How glad am I that after tomorrow I will never have to hear you sing again. And BTW, you sound like fried ass and you missed that last note more than a last note’s ever been missed ever. No, Randy, he actually can’t hit them notes. Also, get with the program – it’s not a duel, it’s a prizefight. Simon is right. I need a meme for that.

D’Archie

Well, he started on pitch, so it’s already better than the first song. But, good heavens, this song is a load of ridiculous nothing. Did a 7 year old write this? I’m sorry. That’s probably an insult to self-respecting 7 year olds everywhere. But y’all, he’s so much more animated on this song. He’s really feeling it. Why is he such an old, sappy man? Is he some kind of weird Dorian Gray creature? Did his dad switch bodies with him like in that one episode of Buffy? Or, y’know, Freaky Friday? That was really, really good. Stellar vocal. Just beautiful. True, true, Simon. Better song choice.

In the song two battle, D’Archie reigns supreme.

Hmm, has Clive decreed a D'Archie win or are they doing a little reverse psychology on us? Discuss.

Song Three

The World I know – Collective Soul – D.Cook

Sigh. He really is that guy, isn’t he? Why not just bust out a little Runaway Train and turn fully into a Reality Bites left over cliché? At least it seems like Winona is available right now. I can already see the “Wind Forever” post break up tattoo (so no one accuses you of copying Johnny Depp). Oh, the song you ask? Boring as all get out. I am not even paying attention. Is he crying? There’s no crying in the AI finale! And Paula gives us the completely awesomest, and most Paula-riffic phrase ever - "Standing in your truth." Y’all, I’m totally gonna write that song for next year’s Idol songwriter contest. 5 bucks says I'd win. Absolutely agree with Simon. Horrible song choice. But he picked a crap song last time it was contestant’s choice, so at least he’s consistent. Oh, dammit Ryan, don’t egg him on. He’s so much more palatable when he’s not speaking.

Imagine – John Lennon – D’Archie

A repeat? I call huge bullshit. I hate when the contestants do this. (Even 'Tasia's rebooted Summertime) It’s just as beautiful as last time. More stylized. Too many goddamn riffs. But, y’all, this fool's voice is so pure. He is a gifted, gifted young one. And total fashion side note, seriously, how many Member’s Only jackets does he have? It’s truly terrifying! That was gorgeous. There was not one false note sung. He’s absolutely a better singer than D.Cook.

Hmm, they really are pimping him so, so hard. They must be really scared that the cougars are gonna put D.Cook over the top.

Last song totally goes to D’Archie. D’Archie takes it in my book two songs to one.

But Simon, sorry, you have not found a star. Both of them are still boring as fuck. And no, it was not even close to being the best finale. That would still and always be S1, Kelly vs. Justin. And for suspense factor, that would be Ruben vs. Clay, S3. And for sheer, blow you away electricity of the winning singer, that would be ‘Tasia. And for good feelings about both finalists that would be Carrie vs. Bo. And for complete and total domination by one candidate over another (or as the show would looooove for me to say – the knock out) well, that would be Jordin v. Blake last year (or ‘Tasia vs. Diana). See a trend? This was perhaps the worst final of the series, surpassed only by (maybe) Taylor vs. Kat.

And they let Ruben out of the contract-less losers’ closet. Wow!

Vocally, I'd give this to D'Archie. But, damn, just once I wish he'd pick a song a 17-year-old would choose.

I can't believe how much praise Archuletta got from the judges tonight. He's awful and deserved to go home so long ago. His voice is a mess.

sj - I agree.

He needs some vocal training - and definitely breath control.

He definitely needs some space from his environment and the chance to grow up a bit. I wonder when he turns 18 and can leave the da at home. Not sure the tour is the best place for this maturation process, but then, maybe so. At least some of the other idols seem like decent, fairly stable people. Maybe it will be JUST what he needs.

I didn't think last night was DCook's best of the season but he remains my favorite. I actually bothered to vote. I've never done that before. Seriously, this season with DWTS and AI, I'm like a person I don't recognize.

Still, it was fun and I'll be pleasantly surprised if Cook wins, but in any case, I'll be on the lookout for his album.

I stopped at my Starbuck this morning and the baristas asked me which one I liked best and I told them I thought they were both losers. Hee. Seriously, Archuleta has what could be a fantastic voice with a little more training and emotional maturity, but he's not ready for prime time, yet. Cook, while not having the best voice, knows how to present a song. Unfortunately, his last song wasn't one that grabbed you and made you sit up and take notice. Strategically, he screwed up. I don't know how much that will sway voters, but it could pitch it Archuleta's way. In the long run, it matters little because both will get the chance to record albums and they both go on tour. Same amount of exposure, just one gets the top billing. Big deal.

Truly. No biggie either way.

In fact, I saw an article last night saying "if your care about Darchie, DON'T vote for him," but it won't matter. They'll both get the exposure for good or ill.

I agree that Cook made a strategic misstep, but I also get the sense that he was doing it for himself. Not a good competitive move, but something a pop star would do. So, I guess that qualifies as the good news.