Dear Jon Stewart,

My publicist is under some weird delusion that if I write you a personal note, you will be charmed, take pity on me, and have me on your show to talk about my book, Will the Vampire People Please Leave the Lobby?.

I’m supposed to tell you that the audience for my book is epic in size, but if that were actually the case, they’d be telling me to write to Oprah, instead. My book is about internet communities, and so I can pretty much assure you that the audience for my book will at the very least be savvy enough to watch me make an ass of myself on your show on YouTube.

What else? Well, I’m awfully short and pudgy, so you can rest assured that if you ever had me on your show, you’d be the most attractive person on stage.

Actually, the only reason I’ve agreed to write this note is to get your awesome rejection letter...can you sign it personally? Ira Glass didn't sign my rejection letter from This American Life, and I was totally bummed.

With vast amounts of respect and love,

Allyson Beatrice

YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE!! And also, I feel compelled to add that neither short NOR pudgy = unattractive!

so yeah, I find that part 1) untrue 2) too self-deprecating.

I promise to not haunt you all ten years from now with coulda/woulda/shoulda groaning.

Dude, (goddamn my freshman hippy roommate who implanted that in my vocab) I'd be bored if I didn't have smoke breaks with you if we end up ghosts.

I must admit, I get a buzz of nerves telling people with stores I've got this friend? Who wrote this book? Andshemightcomevisitandifshedoesandumdoyouwannaher?

I really hope I'm more articulate than that. But I'm not.

oy, now you.

you are articulate. and not nearly the dorkmeister you see yourself as. you also do a damn good job of taking care of yourself.

Personally, I think that while a little self-deprecation can be nice, there's too much in Allyson's last version.

msbelle, it's mostly just not wanting to misrepresent Allyson's book. And I do, truly, suck at synopses. I can't sum up anything fictional well.

But, the topic of conversation needs to know I envy her complexion, face and hair. So freaking pretty. I wanted those attributes. I got ...well, I wasn't my standard of beauty. However, I like me now (mostly. The whole adult zits and funky agespots and pale is healthier but looks sickly? Can go. Please.)

Suggested edits:

My publicist is under some weird delusion that if I write you a personal note, you will be charmed, intrigued, seduced, just the smallest bit ravished, take pity on me, and feel oddly compelled tohave me on your show to talk about my book, Will the Vampire People Please Leave the Lobby?.

I’m supposed to tell you that the audience for my book is epic in size, but if that were actually the case, they’d be telling me to write to Oprah [, comma probably not necessary] instead. My book is about teevee fandoms and internet communities, and so I can pretty much assure you that the audience for my book will at the very least be savvy enough to watch me make an ass of myself on your show on YouTube.

What else? Well, I’m awfully short and pudgy, so you can rest assured that if you ever had me on your show, you’d be the most attractive person on stage would not only be getting a snarkalicious, witty guest, you'd be getting a snarkalicious, witty guest who makes you look like the tallest man on earth.

Actually, the only reason I’ve agreed to write this note is to get your awesome rejection letter...can you sign it personally? Ira Glass didn't sign my rejection letter from This American Life, and I was totally bummed.

With vast amounts of respect and love,

Allyson Beatrice

Too self-deprecating.

Hm. I think I can lighten that part up a bit...

msbelle, I have horrible self-image issues, I know. I know it can be infuriating to others. What I see in the mirror and in photos often scares me, and it just looks normal to other people. I don't know where to start on fixing that issue, it runs really deep, and I'm sorry it's so irritating.

not infuriating or irritating. sorry my posts sounded that way.

you're just talking some bad about someone I love. I'm a protector.

I'm sorry about the bad news, Fred Pete and Anne.

I like the letter thus far, Allyson and JZ.