I'd so turn off the camera were I him.

No kidding! I value the lack of video during phone calls like you wouldn't believe. Even at nearly 39, I still get painful bouts of phone shyness -- if it were all visual too, I don't think I could bear it.

This is why we don't all have video phones -- who'd want one??

Timelies all!

Good luck and healing thoughts for tomorrow, ita.

In other news, I'm watching Julia Louis-Dreyfus on Inside the Actor's Studio, and she just seems like someone I'd like to be friends with. She's so regular, but interesting.

Okay, so, I'm going to post about Charlie Trotter's now, and it's going to be long. And then I'm going to make myself something not nearly as good as what I ate last night.

She's so regular, but interesting.

And a billionaire heiress.

And a billionaire heiress.

Well, sure. Too bad she's already married!

Charlie Trotter's doesn't have a sign out front except to quietly note valet parking. It's small and dimly lit, posh in a way that doesn't need to advertise its opulence. There aren't any price tags to be found but for the wine list, because I guess even Charlie Trotter's needs to inform people that they might be spending $8,500 on a single magnum.

We had a 6:15pm reservation. Charlie Trotter's rarely opens on Mondays, only when large conventions are in town. I believe we had the oncology crowd. Not very festive people, but I hardly noticed. After about five minutes inside, I didn't feel uncomfortable being there. I think I was appreciating the place more than some of the oncologists.

If you're aren't an adventurous eater, you probably shouldn't go to Charlie Trotter's. The food is crazy, there's presentation and combinations of flavors that don't seem like they should work, but if you have faith and eat it anyway, you will be rewarded. It's not worth the money if you're going to be a pussy about it, oncologists!

The entire wait staff was quiet, competent, attentive, formal without being snooty, and knowledgeable; if they didn't know it, they went into the kitchen and asked the chef. (Seriously, we sent them in there several times with weird questions about what type of herb was in that dish, and what kind of olive oil are you using? Oil made from arbequina olives, apparently, which taste peppery and buttery.) Best wait staff ever. We got ours to laugh. Go team.

We were presented with two menus: the Grand Menu (carnivore) and the Vegetable Menu (vegetarian). The menus change every day. Our wait staff assured us that we could make requests and substitutions. I swapped in a dish from the Vegetable Menu. My roommate asked for no fish. Dude, they aren't kidding when they say you can request anything. They'll just make up stuff on the fly in that kitchen like magic. After we settled on the menu, we asked for the Sommelier because neither of us wanted to attempt the novel that was the wine list (like a Norton Anthology of wine lists, no lie), and the guy is paid to tell you what will go with your meal, tailored to your own wine preferences. We chose one white and one red, one glass of each. The white was Selbach-Oster Riesling Kabinett, Mosel 2005, and it was kind of fabulous. The red was an interesting Cabernet Sauvignon that even went with dessert, and I kick myself for not writing it down.

They take your plates and your flatware away with each course. A roving waiter kept bringing us different types of bread, little loaves, mini-baguettes, mini-bagels, something grilled with an herb I couldn't identify. The waiter who brought each course described what was on your plate and answered any questions you might have had. My meal looked like this (minus the white asparagus liberated from roommate's plate), although there were herbs and spices and sauces and garnish on each plate that weren't listed on the menu:

Salad of Fresh Almonds & Thyme (Oh. My. God. Yum.)

Tasmanian Ocean Trout with Orange Rind, Fennel Pollen & Trout Roe Vinaigrette (Fabulous. And I don't even like roe that much, but it was fuckin' fabulous roe.)

Casco Bay Cod with Picholine Olives, Artichokes & Stinging Nettle Sauce (Stinging Nettle Sauce? Okay! It's bright green and I don't care! Must go in my mouth!)

Arkansas Rabbit Loin & Leg with Turnips, Fingerling Potatoes & Mustard Greens (BUNNY, with a rich liver sauce. Turnip tasty, made compulsory Baldrick jokes.)

Summerfield Farm Lamb Shoulder with Garlic, Aged Manchego & Parsley (Seriously, how can you go wrong with garlic and cheese?)

Cantaloupe Sorbet with Feta Cheese & Spearmint (Also with olive oil. And ridiculously good.)

At some point one of the wait staff came by with an envelope containing our menus from when we first arrived. They were personalized. It was kind of crazy awesome. After the Cantaloupe Sorbet, we got coffee. Fabulous coffee with cream and brown sugar.

And then, well, we got a dessert explosion, possibly because we told them that (continued...)

( continues...) we were celebrating birthdays when we made the reservations.

The dessert explosion:

Organic Buttermilk with White Pepper, Toasted Milk Ice Cream & Nutmeg (So so good.)

Olive Oil Ice Cream with Venezuelan Chocolate & Red Wine (The Venezuelan chocolate was blended with cherries and apricots and millet and GOD.)

Poached White Peaches with Rolled Oats & Lavender (I thought about licking the plate. I almost did.)

Indonesian Chocolate with Pine Nuts & Pandan Broth (I never knew pine nuts and chocolate would go well together. Haven't a clue what Pandan Broth is. Could be made of boiled babies. I didn't care.)

They also brought out something that wasn't on the menu: two servings of Earl Grey Mousse with Dark Chocolate & Caramel Ganache Filling, and a sprig of fresh mint. Bless their hearts.

We quietly made "nom nom nom" lolcat noises at the table. We got more coffee and finished off our red wine. We exclaimed over the coffee. We discovered it was an Intelligentsia blend of beans from Guatemala and Nicaragua. As we finished scraping our spoons across all the plates, they brought us a Charlie Trotter's bag. Inside it were several bags of the coffee we'd made noises over, and two Charlie Trotter's marinades. Organic Thai Barbecue Sauce and Organic Ginger-Soy-Hijiki Sauce.

At this point, roommate and I were staring at each other, dizzy and sated from all the food and wine, and exchanging a look of "OMGWTFBBQ JACKPOT." Bill is paid. We were shuffling around about ready to leave when they asked if we'd like to tour the kitchen. Of course we did. They took us around back where there were tiny television monitors. Through the doorway was the studio kitchen! And tons of people were in it eating! Then we went to the actual kitchen, which was filled with chefs in white jackets and hats, copper pots, cast-iron skillets, an actual wood-burning stove, and a small bank of freezers. They bring everything in fresh every day. Also in the kitchen was a small table filled with people who were experiencing the even-more-expensive Kitchen Table Menu, which is a spontaneous fifteen-course extravaganza.

The chefs at Charlie Trotter's are kind of hot. I am just saying. Possibly it was the food talking.

Then we asked if we could see the wine cellar. We went downstairs to one of the FOUR wine cellars, the red cellar. It was locked and temperature-controlled, small and packed with hundreds of wine bottles, all numbered. Above our heads were four double-magnums of red wines priced at $35,000 each. I was afraid to move, as the power of the klutz runs strong within me. We made it out of the wine cellar without having to take out a bank loan to cover any damages, and finally left around 9:45pm. The valet immediately got us a taxi.

In short, it was amazing, exhausting, and I don't think I could eat like that very often, but damn, I'm glad we did.

In short, it was amazing, exhausting, and I don't think I could eat like that very often,

You could if you married Julia Louis-Dreyfuss.